How to get over him and get on with your life....

So you've parted ways with the men in your life.

What now?

If you've been going out with someone for more than just a few months, breaking up can be tough. If you've been with someone for more than a year or two, it can be one of the most painful experiences any man can go through.

But there are ways to make it easier and come out of the other end a better, wiser man - breaking up, without breaking down.

Here is few steps to help you get over the break-up blues, how to get over him and get on (not a hard on)

Put down the phone - Is it really over? Maybe he's testing you? Maybe you're testing him? Maybe this is the 10th time you've 'broken up' in as many months?

Only you know if this really is the end, but if it is, take your fingers off the keypad.

"You need to talk about it," says my good friend, "But not to him. Repeat, not to HIM."

Talk to your girlfriends - not like that. At least, not yet. "Instead of spending hours crafting the perfect 'casual, yet meaningful...' text message to your ex, spend the time talking it out with your friends instead," says my friend. "Female friends are perfect, as they'll be sympathetic and supportive and will encourage you to get everything emotional out in the open."

That's a good thing, apparently.


Clean him out - don't mean financially. We mean, clean him out of your life, or if that's impossible, at least get rid of reminders of him from your home. It will be painful, and there'll always be the temptation to stare mournfully at old photos wondering about what might have been. But it's for the best, because from now on it's your space again.

"If the whole place reminds you of him, move some furniture around, redecorate, or make small changes like covering the sofa in a new throw," says my friend again. "Ask your female friends what a 'throw' is,' he adds, unhelpfully.

This won't just stop you being surrounded by memories. Apparently, novelty helps boost your brain's dopamine stores, which will lift your mood.


Work him out - aking up is not just one long dark night of the soul, even if sometimes it feels like it. There are opportunities for self-improvement too, and one of them is to get fit, which will make you feel better about yourself, your body and life in general.

In fact, a good idea is to hit the gym or swim on those occasions when you used to see him, which can be the most maudlin times of all.

"Channel your misery into physical activity - running, cross-training, rowing, swimming... anything where you can challenge yourself," says my friend. "It will release naturally anti-depressant endorphins, distract your mind from repetitive ex-thoughts, and put you in an environment filled with fit, attractive men."

This last point is important. You might not feel like dating right now, but seeing those hard-bodied mans will at least make you realise that - wonderful though he was... is.... whatever - he isn't the only men in the world.

Do new stuff - Try to play a game, learn to cook, join the work squash league, start collecting model trains...anything. Apparently, we can only hold seven thoughts at one time. If you fill your brain up with other stuff, you'll slowly squeeze out thoughts of your ex.

And of course during one or two of those activities you might meet other men... not that you're interested in any of that. Yet.

Get ahead - (not a head job) One way to squeeze thoughts of him out of your head is to ask for new tasks at work, which has the added bonus of making you look conscientious and hard working and putting you in line for a promotion. Throwing yourself into work, like hitting the gym, is one way to get positives out of what at first looks like a wholly negative event.

"Not only will new challenges break up your daily routine, but it will be a positive distraction," says my friend. "It doesn't matter if it's driven by wanting to impress your ex at the start - 'If I get a brilliant new job, he'll want me back' - this will be short lived.

"As time passes, you'll enjoy the new challenge for itself and success at work will boost your self-esteem."

Take an evening class - Take an evening class to boost your career skills, or a weekend course to learn a new language. Again, it's a good idea to schedule this kind of stuff for the times you used to see him, to emphasise the psychological boost of squeezing positive benefits from a bad situation.


Do things he hates - No, not ringing him repeatedly at four in the morning and threatening him goldfish - these things will get you a court order.

Instead, do all the stuff that you really like doing but he hate, just to prove that life without him won't be all bad. For example, if he loved beach holidays, book a city break with a mate. That way you won't be tempted to spend the whole time wondering what you'd be doing if he was with you.

In the same vein, watch favourite films you know he didn't like, go to old man pubs rather than the swanky bars he preferred, and wear the sun-glasses you love but he turned her nose up at.

Talk to boys - In fact, talk to The Boys. Once you're over the initial shock of the break-up, your male friends become an invaluable resource for fun and forgetting (not so much straight away, when female friends may be more useful - see above).

"Later on, your male mates will come into their own, teasing you to cheer you up and taking you back out on the town," says friend of mine.

And by confiding in them, bantering with them and being out with them, you reinforce the bonds of your friendship. Even blokes can get a bit distracted in a heavy relationship. Another positive of your break-up may be the opportunity to reconnect with the friends who will be with you as boyfriends come and go.

Slowly but surely, get back in the game...

Only you'll know when it's the right time to date again, and there's nothing wrong in taking it very slowly indeed. As long as you're honest and up front, it's OK to look for no-strings arrangements, too.

"It's alright to take things slow for a while and allow a bit of time to regain your confidence. Online dating can be a great way of doing this as it gives you the chance to connect with new people even when you're perhaps not quite up to that first date just yet," says my friend again.


Breathe a sigh of relief - And by the time you're thinking about other men, however tentatively, you can breathe a huge sigh of relief. You're over the worst, and you've broken up without breaking down. You've even made yourself a better catch in the process. It's been a long road, but you've come a long way baby!

Till then, trust me , try those and you'll move on with your new life with big smile

Things to think about before entering into relationship

When you click with someone and think to yourself that maybe this person could be different from the others you have met on dates, you most likely want to take things further and let it develop into a relationship. Whether you have been single for a short time or for as long as you can remember, there are some things you should ask yourself before getting into a relationship to make sure that it works out. Here are some pre-relationship questions for you to think about.

Ask yourself whether you are really ready for a relationship. If you have just come out of a difficult relationship, you're likely to have a lot of emotional baggage which you need to deal with beforehand. Similarly you don't want to get into a relationship for the sake of it because you're bored of being single or because you want to make someone jealous.

Ask yourself whether you really know the person. Yes, you may have learnt a lot about them from going on dates together, but you need to go a little deeper; find out who they really are. Find out whether they are compatible, or whether friends know them. The last thing you want is to get into a relationship and find out the person is a nutcase, like emotionally unavailable.

Ask yourself whether you are being practical. It's not going to last if you don't have the same goals or they have traits which you don't like. They may be good looking, but don't let lust cloud your judgement and brush the negative things aside. If you want different things in life or have different goals then it's unlikely to work.


Ask yourself whether you have the same values and morals. A relationship has a better chance of surviving if the couple have the same core beliefs and values, as people's actions and decisions are based on these. Despite the saying ‘Love’, this isn't necessarily the case, and you are likely to find yourselves at loggerheads and clashing.

Ask yourself whether this is a positive thing as a relationship should make you happy, plaster a grin across your face, a glow in your cheeks and a spring in your step. It should be something that adds value to your life and be a positive thing. Don't let someone bring in negativity to your life or be negative about you.

Ask yourself whether you trust this person. While trust is something that a person earns and grows over time, it is the basic of every relationship. Do you trust this person you want to get into a relationship with? Do you feel safe with them? Do you trust that they will treat you right? Having this basic trust will allow the relationship to flourish

Till then, trust me it's work that way. Don't just jump into it...... why have to rush!

Dozen way to know - He's the ONE... (Part ll)

Are you going out with the right guy? Read this through the end and take a few minutes to re-evaluate your relationship.

OK, he's good looking. He turns you on. He's great to cuddle and wake up to on cold fully air-con mornings and he's got smiley eyes and a wicked sense of humour.

But is he The One? Here are 12 ways to tell that he just might be.

He's a looker - Shallow? You betcha! Let's face it; a keeper is someone you're going to want to look at first thing in the morning and last thing at night...for a very long time. So it's important that, whether it's because of his chiselled jaw line or just his kindly eyes, you find him attractive. Everyone is different, of course, but does your man have large eyes, a high forehead and soft features? Studies have shown that many gay men like masculine features (low foreheads, wide jaws and strong features) for one-night stands, and more strong faces for the long haul. Of course, the only really important question is this: do you fancy the pants off him or not?

He looks like you - Some couples look quite similar, and that might not be a coincidence. A study by psychologists at the University of St Andrews found that the faces we find most attractive are quite like our own. Other studies have shown that most couples often have a correlation in other physical qualities, like neck and wrist circumference and middle finger length. So if you're alike in so many ways, he could be your perfect man.

You accept his flaws - Nobody's perfect. But if you silently rage at his fingernail biting or football obsession and think, 'I must change that', he may not be for you. If you accept his flaws as just another part of the man you love then start planning for your future together.


He makes you laugh - We all like someone we can laugh with. And relationship experts confirm that the most successful relationships are those peppered with gentle banter, mickey-taking and joke telling. If he makes you cry laughing, you won't be tempted by the hard-bodied but humourless lothario who serves your coffee. Not now. Not ever.


He's employed - Or if he's not employed, he's bright and ambitious. Sorry to come over all practical here, but we can't escape evolution. Gay men are drawn to men who can be independent. You may not want his money, or at all. But part of you is still attracted to a man who either has resources, or who looks like he will get them in the future. In the distant past, when desires evolved, it was the man who would literally bring home the bacon and make sure both of you survived.

Your friends like him - Sometimes love - or even lust - can blind us to the truth. But your friends know what you like, value your happiness and can take a view of your boyfriend not influenced by a crashing avalanche of sexy hormones. And if, in their opinion, he's a good bloke and right for you, it's worth listening to.

You like his friends - By our mid 40s, we tend to have chosen our friends pretty wisely. They're a bit like us, and they tend to like a lot of the same things. If you like his friends, it means the way he is with you isn't an act. He really is a kind, funny, decent feller - and he has the kind, funny, decent friends to prove it.

You argue well - Show us a couple that doesn't argue and we'll show you, well, a very unusual couple. Arguing doesn't make you incompatible - but arguing badly might. If your arguments are bitter, personal and endless, you probably already know, deep down, that he might not be The One. But if your arguments are more like two people debating an issue on which they disagree, avoiding insults and personal language, you may be good for the long run. A life together invariably involves compromise. If you're both prepared to seek it when things get feisty, you're in with a very good shout.


You trust him - If he tells you he's planning a big night out with the boys and a swarm of butterflies immediately takes off in your stomach, you're in no position to say if he's a keeper or not. Trust is an essential ingredient for long-term love. Wait for it to evolve (if it does) before you start making plans.

He's from the right family - We don't mean he has to be the heir to a fortune (though that might help). But you want to be with someone who is also in it for the long term. How can you tell if he's going to stick around? Well, if he clearly adores you, that's as good a clue as any. And there is some suggestion that the likelihood of break-up is written in our genes. In twin studies, it was found that men who went through lots of break-up had a brother who was likely to have done the same. That suggests a tendency to stray might be inheritable - so if his parents are together and his siblings are in strong relationships, it's a good chance your bloke doesn't have the break-up gene.


He likes the real you - You've got no fancy clothes on and you're slobbed out on the sofa in an old pair of jogging pants and a T-shirt that probably used to be white. And he still says he fancies you like mad. Now that's a good sign.

Your gut tells you - Do you have a gut feeling that your man might The One? It might be all you need. When researchers at University College London used functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI) to take pictures of lovers' brains, they found the area responsible for gut feelings was particularly active. Gut feelings, or a lover's instinct, are not guesswork. If you have a gut feeling about him, it might simply be the unconscious expression of all your experiences with other men allied to your emotional intelligence. You might not know why this time is different, but you know that it is all the same. If other signals confirm the feeling, it might just be worth letting your man's intuition take control

Till then, what is your GUT feeling tell you sweetie... share with me here

Dozen way to know - He's the ONE...

Will single over 40s be single forever?

Works too hard. Won't compromise. Commitment-phobic. Cancels plans. Forgets plans. Doesn't call back. Sigh.

While it seems we're often preoccupied in his column with naming and debating the myriad douchebag behavioural traits of men – lying, cheating, sexting other boy or, worse, not texting you – lately I've come across a possible reason behind all this anti-male malice: it's not him, it's his age.

‘He's too young!’ cried a singleton recently to me after meeting the man of his dreams, only to discover (post hook-up) that he was 10 years younger. When he told him he was only five years his senior, he responded with, 'Yeouch, you're really old!'

Little did he know …

Nevertheless, he proceeded to court him for the next few weeks. That's because (generally speaking here) younger men love the chase. Everything is fresh, new and exciting. Man are unknown to them. No one has broken their hearts just yet. Hence, they're romantic, thoughtful, endearing, excited, filled with energy and brimming with ideas on how to please him.

‘So what if it can't go anywhere? said the other friends of mine, fielding yet another text message from him begging for a date. ‘It's refreshing. Much better than all these old guys who are so set in their ways that there's hardly room for you in their lives, let alone a full-time boyfriend.’

It's a universally acknowledged truth that age does matter. And, while socially acceptable age gaps have widened in recent times (thanks in part to the likes of Demi Moore, Madonna and Samantha Jones), I've begun to notice a strange pattern emerging: when it comes to the dating game, older men are increasingly the problem.

For years boy have thought that if they met and impressed an older, wiser, established, secure bloke, he'd be mature enough to know what he wanted when he saw it, get down on one knee, pop the question and be done with all the dating hoo-ha.

No such luck.

‘But I thought because he's older and has his shit together, he would be perfect!’ complained one boy who recently found himself single after dating a man aged 47. (he's 30.)

Take a look at Simon Cowell, who at 51, has allegedly just kicked out his fiancée and sent her to live in his other property, nicknamed the 'girlfriend graveyard' – a place where all his exes wind up just before they're given the flick … for good.

Then there's perpetual bachelor George Clooney, who swaps his girlfriends more often than most men change their underwear, never stopping to think that, by 50, he might want to stick with just one. Oh no.

After dumping Italian actress Elisabetta Canalis, Clooney has now moved on to former wrestler Stacy Kiebler. (If I were her, I wouldn't be fobbing off other dates any time soon.)

In my quest to discover the reason behind the delayed, I've discovered that the older a man gets, the less likely he is to commit … ever.

And by the time he reaches 40? It's near to impossible. So at 50, I'm not quite sure what the boy who date these men are thinking. That they'll change them? Be the ones these men will finally commit to?

Seriously?

Maybe it’s that by 40-50 years old we have our act together, know what matters to us, and realise that sex is no longer the all important, all enveloping need it once was.

Maybe we find the idea of being 70 years old at a potential offsprings 21st birthday party cringe worthy.

Maybe by middle age we realise we stand to lose so much and have and so little to gain by hitching our wagon to a potentially hostile take over of our lifes work and assets should all turn pear shaped.

Maybe we are tired of being constantly reviled by the fabulous boys (or money boys) in Kuala Lumpur as doucebags, liars, in the closet, cheats and misogynists on one hand, then expected to take on your baggage with the other.

See, old-men know that we are born alone, and a batchelor in middle age realises that it’s not a bad place to be.

Selfish and indulgent? For sure.

But ah... the blessed peace, the freedom from boy-nazis, the joy of choosing to have companionship or not.

Till then....

Friends with an ex? What's the point?

They say one should live one's life with no regrets. Yet, while most of us try to do so, a study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science found that one regret stands out more than others.

When 370 adult Americans were asked to report on one salient regret in life, the most common one was related to - you guessed it - a past relationship. (This came above regretting facets of one's career, finances)

Intrigued as to how many people really regret their past relationships, I spent the weekend investigating and discovered that, even though failed relationships abound, many people still remain firm friends with their exes.

Perhaps these days it's unavoidable, especially considering the current generation, dating more, committing less and Facebook connects us with our exes from two to 20 years ago. Perhaps it's sufficient to say that exes are more prevalent in our lives than ever before - whether we like it or not.

But is it really healthy for one to remain friends with an ex after ending a relationship?

When it's over, should it be over emotionally as well as physically?

Pop singer Adele, who penned an entire album about taking revenge on her ex, has recently gone against everything she preaches in her lyrics and has let her ex back into her life.

'We're becoming friends again,' she told Spinner magazine, much to the horror of the millions of women whom she empowered through their own break-ups. 'I know what I'm doing,' she added.

'Enough time has gone by now.'

Say what!? Didn't her album, 21, which sold more than 10 million copies, act as a go-girl mantra, telling all women that they should strive to get over the dude who broke their hearts and never to speak to him again?

And now she's reneging on her message and doing what she's told women never to do – be mates with their exes?

It doesn't make sense. But it's not that rare either. Just the other day, Charlie Sheen was spotted out for dinner with his ex Denise Richards.

Elle Macpherson was photographed with her ex Tim Jeffries.

And Elizabeth Hurley, who is making headlines for her hasty engagement to Shane Warne, (apparently he makes her 'happy'), has remained friends with quite a few of her exes.

In an interview with the Daily Mail newspaper recently, Hurley said that Arun Nayer (her latest ex) is still her best friend. She also claims that she, Nayer and her other ex, Hugh Grant, all go on holiday together.

And the most startling revelation of them all: Warney and Grant now play golf together. Hmm.

In an unofficial survey carried out by moi, it seems the jury is out on whether one should hang out with an ex or not. Some reckon it can't be done without resulting in a cat fight. Others say they swear by it. ('My exes keep me sane!' said one.)

Another said she doesn't speak to her ex at all because it only sets her back and brings about too much pain.

Needless to say, everyone seems to have an opinion on how one should handle a past love.

Ah, the ex. The very word goes straight to the jugular, reeking of awkward moments, mixed memories, bitterness, resentment, anger, guilt and longing. So why does an ex continue to have such an impact over their previous partner's life?

Is it because we haven't - as Adele says so eloquently - met someone better than them yet? Or do they simply remind us of a time in our lives when we felt happy, part of a twosome, wanted, adored, never lonely and never bored?

These days, considering we're dating for longer and are racking up a lengthy list of exes, it almost seems that not being friends with an ex would cut out half of our social circle. Not to mention the fact that, if we work together, go to the same gym, share the same psychologist or landlord or favourite coffee shop, not remaining friends with this person is not something we even get to choose.

For me, being friends with an ex is fine, but it needs to have a use-by-date. Be friends until one or both of you gets serious with someone else. To me, it would be a little awkward seeing my new date giggling over mojitos with someone he's previously been sexually intimate with ... And so I hope to give him the same respect by not being too matey with any of my exes either.

But what do I know?

I’ll says that to be friends with an ex is a pointless endeavour and once a relationship is over, it should be over for good.

There's lots of people out there who think being friends with your ex is possible. I'm, however, not one of these types. Instead, I think trying to be friends with your ex is a very difficult task at the best of times and it's generally better to stay well clear of this sort of relationship. For starters, break-ups can be messy, and often there are unresolved feelings and hurts that make an ongoing close friendship impossible. It also makes it really hard for either of you to move forward, and be available to meet a new love interest.

You can't share personal things with them like you used to, nor can you spend the same sort of time socialising with their family and friends. Not to mention the problems that can occur with mixed messages, the possibility of ex-sex and of holding on to hope of rekindling the fire.

My advice - find someone else to be friends with and let both of you move on.

Talking about regrets, there's a saying:

Mistakes are sometimes the best memories. And when it comes to exes, past relationships, heartache, lost loves - whatever - sometimes even though you made mistakes, if you can turn around and say you had a heck of a lot of fun at the time, then it might, just maybe, have all been worth it ...

Till then, sweetie. Am not again you meeting up with your ex on the weekend, perhaps, inviting me to be the third person while you holidaying with your ex is not in my agenda.... I bet you two had a great time ‘catching up’ the lost...

What makes love last?

It all sounds so easy: Boy meets boy at the party, they fall in love, and live happily ever after. But anyone who’s been on the dating scene for more than a millisecond knows that it’s not that easy—not by a long shot.

Finding and maintaining a successful relationship often takes a little luck, more than a little patience, and a lot of work. What else does it take for a romantic partnership to go the long haul?

For the specifics, I sat down with two successful gay couples to explore what exactly keeps their bond strong.

Feel free to take notes!

Rob, 47, a publishing executive from local magazine, and Kevin, 46, a marketing and promotions Manager from well known company in Kuala Lumpur together for 10 years

Timothy, 51, a financial analyst from One of the biggest foreign bank in town, and Adam, 49, an accountant from audit firm in Kuala Lumpur together for 8 years

Q: What surprised you the most about being in a long-term relationship?

Adam: I once thought being in a long-term relationship meant a lot of sacrifice on my part with little return from my partner. With Timothy, it is a give-and-take situation. He is very giving and kind and doesn’t make a big deal out of doing things for me. We just do things for each other naturally, because we want to.

Rob: Challenges can strengthen a relationship as long as you stick together. Our fortunes have been everything from fantastic to downright terrible, but facing the tough times together has made us much closer.

Q: When did you know that your significant other was a “keeper”?

Adam: Timothy took me to dinner for my birthday right before we started dating. We were very close friends at that point. My previous boyfriends had virtually ignored that day when I was with them. Timothy went so far as to surprise me by taking me to my favorite restaurant and making it a fun night. It was very special for me.

Q: What’s your secret to keeping a long-term romance fresh?

Timothy: It’s difficult because we fall quickly into a groove in terms of restaurants we eat at, entertainment on a Saturday night, and day-to-day life. The main way we keep things fresh is by traveling. This pulls us out of our mundane routine the most.

Adam: It’s also important to have sex regularly to keep the intimacy alive.

Ouch...........!

You hear that buddy???????

Till then

Out and Online : Cracking the codeto gay profiles

When I first discovered online dating, I felt like I had won the lottery.

It’s a late blooming for me (since am just out from eleven years of relationships, and just landing (at that times) at strange land/city) which I has been neglecting for the past twenty five years. Meeting new peoples is hard, especially at my age, with different peoples around, different culture and with different kind of views toward life.

For forty eight years old gay man, who live in one of the trendy area in Kuala Lumpur, I found it hard to meet potential love interests by bumping into them at the supermarket or waiting in line at the Post Office, or staring each other at the café.

Online, there are tons of prospects—but the sheer quantity came with its own problems. How could I separate the guys I’d really like from those who weren’t my speed?

Sure, there were photos and write-ups explaining who they were and what they were

looking for, but I soon realized that these profiles didn’t always match the person once I met him face to face. Some guys would say they were looking for a long-term relationship when they were really out for no-strings-attached sex; others weren’t entirely out of the closet, which brought its own set of complications. These experiences made me wonder: Is there a way to check out someone’s profile and get to the truth of whether they’d be a great match?

To find the answer, I have to make some research by experiencing myself out there, been through few dates etc... I would like to shared some of my real life experience here and I hope it’ll work for anyone else in search of the right man among many.

A picture is worth a thousand words... Photos, of course, are an easy way to gauge how attracted you are to someone. But there are other messages you can glean from the kind of pics they post. Photos that are a little too good — he’s bare-chested, giving his most fetching glance at the camera, or wearing tight jeans that hint that he’s well-endowed — could indicate he’s out for some no-strings-attached fun rather than a relationship. Why? Because anyone who makes his sexuality his key selling point is probably more interested in what you have to offer in the bedroom versus out of it, says psychotherapist Joe Kort, author of the forthcoming book 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love. And while posting a few photos indicates a desire to give viewers a sense of who a guy is, posting a plethora (like more than 10) could mean he loves the way he looks a little too much and is as vain as a peacock.

...And having no pics says even more And what if a profile shows no photos at all or promises to email you one if you get in touch? It could mean he’s not out of the closet. “If someone doesn’t show photos or if he shows photos just of his body without his face, chances are he’s not comfortable with certain people knowing he’s gay,” says Kort. That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s ashamed of who he is; it might just mean that he’s worried that certain people in his life — relatives, coworkers — might react badly to the news. So before you initiate contact, make sure you’re fine using some discretion in your relationship.

Spot the scene queen... Certain gay guys live to party and dance all night at clubs. Want to know who they are so you can join them—or steer clear and find a more mellow relationship? Look for ads that mention “keeping up with me” or “no drama!” More often than not, they are drama, so be prepared for one really intense time with them. Another dead giveaway? Hip spellings of certain words like “boi” for boy. Encounter a string of slang like “Hot boi ISO a VGL str8 acting guy 4 LTR or NSA fun,” and you don’t need your decoder ring to tell that this guy is probably a veteran online dater (how else would he know all that lingo?) who’s most likely trolling for a good time. If that’s your thing, go for it—but if your idea of a great date is dinner and a movie, don’t expect this “boi” to jump on board. (Incidentally, the shorthand above translates as “Hot boy in search of a very good-looking straight-acting guy for long-term relationship or no-strings-attached fun.”)

Know if he’s just up for a one-night stand… When surfing profiles you’ll probably encounter the phrase “Fun and possible LTR” (LTR stands for long-term relationship). And while this might lead you to believe that this guy truly wants to settle down once he finds Mr. Right, don’t be fooled, says Kort: People who want “fun and possible LTR” are probably more into fun, less into the LTR. They merely want to avoid scaring away the more relationship-minded men who are attracted to their profile. Keep in mind, they may not be intentionally trying to deceive you, they may truly think they’re open to long-term commitment. But any emphasis on “fun” should be noted as a “caution ahead” signal by anyone whose priority is to settle down for the long haul.

…Or if he truly wants a relationship So how do you separate the guys who say they want a commitment from those who truly want one? For starters, there probably won’t be anything strongly sexual mentioned in their profile, says Kort. He may even go so far as to say “friends first, relationship later” to ward off the guys who are just looking for action. And since he’s probably not spending his days sleeping off last night’s outing, he’ll probably list lots of hobbies or activities he enjoys.

He also won’t give a laundry list of things he doesn’t want in a mate, like “no fats/fems” or “one-man gay pride parades need not apply.” This could indicate he’s burned out on dating, or that he’s just a negative person, or that he harbors a strict, fantasy-like image of who he wants to be with—three signs he’s probably not ready for the less-than-perfect reality of a relationship.

So, my friends, just be careful when you read those opening ‘hello’ in the profile, cos, it could lead to something that you not want to..

No harm to keep trying, but I guess, I’ve had enough with the game…

Till then

Eight reasons why I cheats

Sometimes, when the going gets tough, the tough get it on with someone else. But what really makes me (or most men) stray? I guess a nagging boyfriend? Bad sex? An escape from loneliness?

Yes, yes and yes. Hear why me slipped away from the boy that I date for few months and end up I landed in someone else's bed (most of the time, in my bed). Then — whether you’re the ONE or your boyfriend — use the info below to sidestep this kind of situation in your love life.

Reason number ONE : For payback
The boy I was dated for few months, cheated on me, after I saw on his cell phone that he had been text-messaging with some other men. They were pretty harmless and dirty messages, but it angered me that he had been communicating with stranger in that way, in the very first night — That night, I was out with friends and had a lot to drink. I got so worked up about those messages that I pretty much made it my mission to find another boy and hook up with him, which I did. I think it was a payback thing.

Reason number TWO: The physical attraction just isn't there
Ever since I can remember, I have always been attracted to taller men with large chests. My current boy was great in a lot of ways, but he was completely flat-chested, which did absolutely nothing to make me sexually attracted to him. I tried to look past it, but it was hard. About four months into our relationship, I was out with a bunch of friends at a sports bar, and our incredibly tall, hot and ample-chested barmaid was really hitting on me. He gave me his number and asked me if I wanted to meet him after his shift was over. I agreed, and ended up sleeping with him. It was just a one night thing, but it helped me realize I needed to end things with my date, because I had to be with someone I was madly attracted to.

Reason number THREE: He just isn't there
The next time I cheated on my boy is, when he was away spending his time with his parents at his home-town, so much that I hardly see him.. It was almost as if I didn't have a boyfriend. I got so lonely — especially on the weekend nights, and I missed that companionship, both physically and emotionally. When he was gone, I began seeing someone else while I was still technically seeing and dating him. I think, in my case, since we didn’t live together, it’s hard to keep the relationship stronger when he is not there (with me on most night). Especially, in the cold raining nights, or when you feel that you need to hug someone badly...

Reason number FOUR: He thinks he's missing out
I had dated him for almost eight months, He spent nearly every two days at my place and during the weekend, he hardly going out with me, So I'd go out with my friends either for happy hour, dinner or brunch and have a blast. After a few months of that drill, I knew staying true to him would be tough; going out in the city made me realize how many smart, gorgeous boy are out there, and never having been with anyone other than ‘A’ made me feel like I was missing out on a lot of fun. One night I hooked up with this cute boy, which finally made me realize I had to end things with ‘A’. I told him what happened, and, as it turned out, he didn’t really care about that.

Reason number FIVE: He's moved on emotionally
I met my boy on the char-room, of all places. When we started dating, I was in the middle of keeping myself fit with lapping at the pool almost every late afternoon. As the months went by, I took the program really seriously and quickly dropped weight. After I lost the weight, I felt this new sense of confidence — Boys who had never spoken to me before began approaching me, and it felt great. My boy, on the other hand, was depressed about being low self-esteem and was always jealous of other boy. One weekend when he was out of town, I met this gorgeous French boy (on holiday) at my local cafe and we slept together. I never told my boy, I've realized since then that I need to be with men who are on the same page as me about the things in my life that are important"

Reason number SIX: There's too much fighting
Since my boy and I didn’t live together, and we fought all the time. The constant tension made me miserable. In contrast to my boy, there was a boy at work who was easygoing, friendly and fun. One night we were both working late and ended up getting a drink together after we left. One thing led to another, and I ended up staying over at his place. As bad as this may sound, after that happened, I felt free.

Reason number SEVEN He needs a shot of self-esteem
Honestly. At first, I'm really shy, and have never felt very comfortable approaching men. I once had a boyfriend who was just as shy as me. Our relationship was fine — nothing too exciting — but I was resigned to the fact that it was my best option. I went to a conference for business, and during one of the dinners, a really attractive, sexy man at my table began hitting on me like mad. I was so shocked; nothing like that had ever happened to me before. It made my self-confidence skyrocket, and I felt on top of the world. He and I were together that night and a few other times during the conference. I never told my ex about what had happened, I just needed that push.

Reason number EIGHT: To fulfill a fantasy
The one time, I once cheated on my boy of six months when a sexy boy I had been pining over for quite some time came on to me. He had been with someone else for a long time, so I knew he was off-limits. I have to admit, I'd still probably do it again; it was like my fantasy finally came true. Strange thing we didn't last for long. Sometimes, the fantasy is better than the reality!

Till then, tell me about yours and we see how bad is the bad going..

TEN things that you never say to the men you love

Whether they admit it or not, a man's ego is a fragile thing. Here, boys dish the things they like to hear least.

1. I can't wait to see what you're doing for my birthday.

2. Are you ... crying?

3. If we leave right now, we'll have time to stop by Bed Bath & Beyond.

4. Do you need help lighting the grill?

5. I'm putting this whole conversation on my blog.

6. You had so much hair back then!

7. I don't care how big and drunk he is, he shouldn't be talking through the movie. I'm going to say something.

8. Actually, it doesn't happen to every guy.

9. We're vegetarians now.

10. My dad can fix that; you should call him.

Till then

Sharing a BED with a friend need not be an awkward experience

It’s nearly the weekend. Chances are you have some partying planned. Potentially, you could wind up in someone else’s bed.

But what if that bed is not a lover’s, but a friend’s? What if you’re about to commit that fresh new sin of buddy bunking?

It’s not uncommon for some friends of mine to share beds with members of their either same sex nor opposite sex: No matter they're straight, gay or whatever lebal that you like to put it in: young hip types with flash inner city apartments spend money on stuff not space, therefore guest rooms are rare and mattress sharing suits as a preferable alternative to transport under whatever influence. This kind of companionable cradle sharing is not limited to occasions of necessity either, with some of my known associates known to enjoy a nice snuggle once in a while.

I mean, doesn’t everyone need a hug sometimes? A recent study showed men, in particular, would rather a good nuzzle into the arms of their mates rather than ladies… interesting. And I agreed...

And so, today’s question:

Can you be friends and share a bed and have it be ‘OK’?

And:

Can you be friends, and share a bed, and have it be OK, even if one or both parties is in a romantic partnership with someone else?

Some people will bed hop in what contemporary shag-loving society may consider being the conventional sense. That is to say, sleep with a mate in more ways than one. And there’s nothing particularly wrong with this, so long as the pillow talk doesn’t leave anyone feeling confused about the future.

Yet I find it interesting that more eyebrows will be raised should a pair of people who protest they’re really ‘just friends’ sleep together, and actually sleep.

It wasn’t always thus.

Not long ago, the BBC had a great series on the evolution of houses, the rooms within and how people used them was brought to life by a lisping academic with short blonde hair and a penchant for naff phrasing.

“In medieval times, your main concerns were to be warm and safe, so it was delightful to be in with other people,” Lucy Worsley, curator of Historic Royal Palaces, told us. “Since then we've seen a trend toward privacy, which started with the rise of reading.”

So, bedrooms weren’t the bastion of privacy, or private business, then that they are today. It would have been common, and very socially acceptable, for people to buddy bunk without a breath of scandal.

But today … today, not so much. Or so it seems.

Is it because we’ve become so used to seeing sex everywhere we look that we can hardly believe when sex is absent? Have we lost sight of the fact that people from the same sides and the opposite sides could once play together without breaking the boundaries of nonsexual friendship? Or, is it simply that old acorn about gay men, straight men never really being able to just be friends sprouting another bloom of conjecture about human nature?

Personally, I’ve buddy bunked before. And it’s been on strict buddy to buddy terms. No hanky-panky, no lulls in conversation with unsaid, unrequited love things, for my part, anyway.

How about you?

Till then

SEX on the first date - To do it or not to do it....?

‘The only time I slept with someone on the first date, I end up live with him for the next 3 years.’ Jones told me while ago in Melbourne.

While there are indeed some first-date sexual encounters that actually work out in the end, the ultimate question remains: to do it or not to do it?

According to a bunch of Melbourne based gay men, some of my single colleagues and many of those hailing from younger generations, the answer is a resounding ‘no’.

Yep, surprisingly, sex – or at least the casual encounter - is no longer on the cards.

I remember Jones told me that, while sex can be ‘discombobulating and distracting’, and while it can make one ‘immune to money, politics and moral’, sometimes it's all so complicated the younger generation are seemingly wanting to give it up altogether.

He mention during our happy hour at the pub ‘Generalising about cultural trends is tricky, but everywhere there are signs that sex has lost its frisson of freedom. Is sex less piquant when it is not forbidden? Sex itself may not be dead, but it seems sexual passion is on life support.’

And he's not the only one who thinks so.

Evidence of this is the fact that a bunch of once promiscuous gay men in Kuala Lumpur have declared they are going on a permanent no-casual-sex diet. One of these men is Karl, who told me that, after having sex with a stranger he met in the Bar, he woke up to find him naked and saying: ‘What's your name?’

Charming.

Unfortunately, there's no telling how it's going to end before the deed is done. Because, in the heat of the moment, it never, ever seems like a bad idea. Because, when the chemistry is palpable and there's more heat between the two of you than in a sauna, what's to stop you?

So to do it or not to do it? Can you predict the outcome of getting hot and sweaty and naked with someone else?

Everyone seems to have a different view of it. A friend who’s in the long term relationships, Luke, says: ‘When I met Jacob, all my rules flew out the window. I slept with him on the first date. We've been together for four years now.’

Newly in relationship’s Tory says: ‘I made him wait for six months. Best decision ever. We are so happy together. We've been together for seven months. Oh yeah, we haven't had sex in a while, but that's OK. I'm sure things will get better once he move in with me.’

Henry wrote to me in an email: "The boy dictates when you're going to have sex. For sure. You know when he wants to have it. So you just wait until you get the signals.

He waited for four months.

Does it really matter in the scheme of things how long a gay man makes the boy to wait?

At the dinner table the other night, I was surprised to hear a range of opinions.

'I made him wait for a month,' Daniel declared.

'We waited a month? No way it was that long,' his boyfriend Mark retorted.

Daniel, distraught at having to hold out and then not to have it even acknowledged, was shocked.

'Yes we did! I made you to wait, remember?'

Mark had no such recollection.

Liz (the only girl on the table), on the other hand, told the table that her boyfriend had made her wait for six weeks. ‘The minute we kissed, he was my boyfriend. We didn't need to sleep together to make it official.’

Is that why she likes him more than Mark likes Daniel? I doubt the sexual timing has anything to do with it.

While this conversation left me more confused than ever, perhaps it's as Peter, a friend of mine said on the subject of having sex on the first date: ‘It all depends how good you think he'll be’ ...

When they asking me: 'What do I think?'

To me, this makes it look as if gay men are using sex to manipulate the other gay men and get what they want.

Actually, that would be pretty close to the truth.

Stop over-thinking and over-analysing sex and enjoy it. That's what it's meant to be. It's not a tool to ensnare men or a carrot to dangle to keep him around as he patiently salivates. If you're worth hanging around he'll stay. If not, it won't matter when or if you have sex with him as he'll leave as soon as the cost outweighs the benefit or a smarter man gives him what he wants.

Being precious about sex just exposes many underlying insecurities and that is very unattractive and a big warning sign.

As for me, seriously? Just enjoy it, especially when you realised that both of you were on fire....

And my friend, what do you think?

Till then, catch you here pretty soon.

Supply Vs Demand

When my smart, spunky, successful friend Sean arrived in Kuala Lumpur from Auckland in the hope of nabbing himself an eligible Malaysian bloke, he was flabbergasted by what he discovered: a bunch of game-playing, Playboy types who come on strongly and then swiftly move on to the next without so much as a kiss in the morning or a goodbye text.

"What's going on?" he asked me, perplexed.

"They're spoilt for choice," I told him. "They don't need to pick one when there are so many gorgeous boys everywhere you look."

When The Sunday Star recently came out declaring that relationships are more about an economic transaction than a chance romantic interlude between two unsuspecting individuals, I was intrigued. Especially when I got to the part where the writer, Robert H. Frank, an economics professor at Cornell University, likened the current state of relationships to the financial market: one that is dictated by supply and demand.

"Economics teaches us that when there is excess demand for a good, its price rises," he writes. "According to this model, excess demand for partner should have caused the terms of courtship to shift in favour of men."

Which reminded me exactly of the dating game Down Under. It often seems that there is indeed an "excess demand for boys", and unfortunately the boys are having a field day sexually.

Says my banker friend Lloyd: "When supply exceeds demand, either supply will fall (there'll be fewer white) or the price will fall, and therefore boys will have lower standards or will be willing to accept inferior substitutes."

Like anything, if there is a surplus of hot, eligible, sexy, young men for the small number of eligible gay men, then it's no wonder we're in a no-commitment, game-playing generation.

The solution?

"Do not date any guy in their 30s," two men in their 40s recently warned me. "They have so much choice available to them, there is no way in hell they're going to settle down. You need to either go for a man much older than you, or stay single. Don't even try."

"He told me that he likes getting 80 clicks a day. It's just a big boost to his ego and shows him he's still got it. For that reason he'll probably never settle down, even though he pretends to want to."

And why should he? Simple supply and demand.

After a few weeks in Kuala Lumpur, Sean vehemently concurred with my hypothesis.

The competition is fierce. Hence the boys are becoming more desperate, will cling to anything with a stable job and a credit card, and boy, do the men know it.

When I did a quick poll of the gay men for my blog, I was swiftly given a startling reality check: Gay men expect sex quickly, and the boy feel that if they don't give it up just as fast, they'll lose out on nabbing the last available man in the country.

But when I interviewed one 33-year-old man I'll call Jim, I discovered that there are some men who are equally sour about their situation.

"I meet boys and they immediately want to take me home," he told me. "Suddenly, though, they don't want to do anything. And then I don't hear from him again."

The problem, he reckons, is that there are "too many assholes and not enough nice guys", and therefore these bad eggs are ruining it for the rest of the gay men species.

"Communication doesn't exist. Everything is done via text and everything can be misinterpreted. Gay boys don't text back for hours, or sometimes days. And when I text back regularly or too often, it's like I'm not playing by the rules or something. Everything is a game. How will any real relationship come out of that?"

He has a point. I often get berated by my well-meaning (boys) friends for texting or calling a guy.

"What are you doing? You should never contact them first!" they lament. "They need to be the ones chasing!"

I must be out of the loop, or loopy, or just honest and clear about my intentions. But apparently that's a no-no.

One long-time singleton James told me that when he was recently in London, the men treated him entirely differently. And he liked it.

"Men actually picked up the phone. They texted to say they wanted to see me again; called to say they had fun on the date, took me for picnics and tours of the city and still didn't try to kiss me by the third date. And when I texted or called them, they actually became more keen. It was refreshing."

So does that mean there is a low supply of hot-to-trot British gay men?

"That's right," says my Aussie mate Cameron who is living here. "That's why I flew back to Sydney to recruit one and bring him back with me."

They're now living together in Kuala Lumpur, have been together for over a year and both of them are blissfully happy they no longer have to play texting games ...

From my own experience when I just arrived Auckland in 1999 from Melbourne - the difference there is remarkable. Guys ask me out, want to pay for dates, open car doors... It really is quite amazing. The guy I am seeing at that time didn't even try to kiss me until our third date and this seems quite common... While I love it and it is refreshing it is also very confusing at time for a Melbourne boy like me... (at that time)

Till then

Is there such a thing as 'too much sex'.....?

They have ticked the attraction box, the personality box, and sharing of similar interests but what happens if they don’t pass the ‘same sex drive’ box? Finding someone that ticks all the boxes is hard enough, so can a relationship work when one person has a libido set to maximum threshold yet the other’s is at the bottom of the scale?

After a boys’ night out this week, I’m beginning to think boys just want to have fun and unfortunately some boy are failing to keep up. It’s the usual story, when a relationship kicks off the guy can’t get enough but once into the grove the pattern starts to take a turn. That is, the daily routine starts to become weekly, and God forbid, monthly.

I admit to breaking up with someone because our libidos didn’t quite lead to as many 'O’s' as I had wished for. My relationship with this particular ex started off perfectly. He ticked all the boxes and our attraction was so strong we simply couldn’t tear ourselves apart. However, as time progressed so did my concerns with the lack of nocturnal activity.

Six months into our relationship and sick of having my advances ignored, I voiced my concerns that perhaps we weren’t so perfect after all. In full fledge defence mode, he argued that there is such a thing as ‘too much sex’ and that nightly sex is not ‘normal’. All I could say was, ‘well my normal is obviously not your normal!’ And that was it, six months wasted but at least I learned the importance of addressing issues as they arise.

Now although some people simply have a different point of view on how often is ‘normal’, others simply have external forces making them regularly not up for the occasion. Yes, this is all those men out there with physically demanding jobs. Perhaps being literally too exhausted and physically incapable are legitimate reasons to be excused. So how does one satisfy their needs in such a situation?

A friend of mine faced with this precise dilemma recently deployed the ‘am’ trick as a last effort to save their relationship. He began to set his alarm ten minutes earlier each day ready to pounce as his man awoke, refreshed and ready for a little pre-work activity. They are now the happiest they have been in a long while.

On the flipside there are some relationships where tricks can't help but rather a little reminder and motivation will do wonders. I’m talking about those couples out there, who after years in the one relationship, simply forget how wonderful sex is. While the sudden urge to run to the bedroom at the drop of a hat may have gone, it's certain that once there you'll be back to pure bliss.

Luckily for me, at this point in time I’m in a happy state of equilibrium. Should things change, rest assured I’ll speak my mind!

Till then, I guess, at my age now. I am pretty much getting what I want....

And ENJOYED every moments.

SOUL MATES - Do they REALLY exist...?

To some extent, the process of mating belongs to the body and the mind. The soul cannot mate with anything, nor does the soul need a mate because it is absolute and boundless. Only what is limited needs a mate in order feel a little better.

If you choose a mate because you want your body to feel a little better, we call that sexuality, and it can be quite beautiful. If we choose a mate because we want our minds to feel a little better, we call that companionship.

If we want our emotions to feel better, we call that love.

Experiencing good physical compatibility, companionship and a strong sense of love can make your life very wonderful in many ways, but if you are willing to look at all this very carefully and sincerely, you cannot deny the limitations with which they exist and the anxiety that naturally follows such arrangements.

Though it is quite a fortune for a human being to find someone who is physically, mentally, and emotionally compatible, the limitedness of even that arrangement invariably becomes suffocating if you are unwilling to settle for the limited.

To have such a pleasant arrangement is like living in a beautiful garden. Every human being wants to have this, but this is not a matter of the soul. All the connections you make this way are either of the body, mind or emotions.

You cannot connect anything else this way. It is extremely important that we understand the limitations with which we are living and try to make the best of them for now, and then see how we can go beyond our limitations tomorrow.

If you do not understand the limitations of your relationship, it gets greatly decorated, but when it crashes it becomes so ugly you cannot even walk out of it gracefully. It becomes ugly simply because you tell many lies to yourself and to the other person. It is better to be straight, at least with yourself. Even if your partner lacks the necessary maturity for you to be 100 percent straight with him, you must at least be straight with yourself.

It is very, very important to be straight with yourself; otherwise, life won't work right. And if you are very straight with yourself, you will see through things very easily.

There are lots of things that people think are important that won't matter to you or even make much sense to you. The more sincere you are with yourself, the clearer you will see things and the less melodrama you will create in order to make your life more intense and interesting.

Without all the melodrama, you will become freer and freer, and you will quickly become less entangled. You will cut away one encumbering rope at a time. Then you will rise to higher and higher elevated realities.

If you do not become absolutely straight with yourself, it may take a lifetime to deal with every little thing that disturbs you before you finally come to the point where you realize that all your worry is not getting you anywhere.

That is a waste of your time -- and of life.

But if you are very straight with yourself, you will see that most of the things that are highly romanticized in the world actually mean nothing at all. They are all very empty. Life is full as it is, it does not need decorating. Only those who are missing the intensity of the life process -- those who are not in perception of the grandeur of life within -- have this juvenile idea that they have to enhance life. The life process does not need any assistance from you to become beautiful, if only you are willing to merge with it and know its beauty.

Does this mean you should not enjoy the simple aspects of life? No. Let's apply this to the moment. If you eat your dinner, will you get enlightened? No, but that does not mean we won't eat dinner; we eat.

We can still enjoy the simple process of life even though dinner is not going to get us to the ultimate. Our bodies are hungry.

Similarly, if you are hungry in your emotions, body and mind for certain things, you get yourself into a relationships .

But you know very well that this is not the ultimate.

This is a good and sensible way to handle your relationship. If you believe too many fancy things about your relationship, then it cannot help but disappoint you.

Relationships are made to make our life journey pleasant for ourselves, and also for those around us.

Believe me, I been there done that and the soundstrack is still playing in my ears.... If you know what I means.....

Till then.....

What men REALLY wnat.....

'Man gives many question marks, however, a gay men is an entire mystery!'

Forget about those epening line at those website about what those guys want, here is what I want.....

Sense of Humour - My late grandfather always said laughter was the best medicine, which is, I guess why several of us suffered from never-ending whooping cough. At the conclusion of an everlasting work day, most of us are lethargic, irritable, and suffer from an intense desire to burn anyone who gets in our way. A great sense of humour, a keen wit, and the sly ability to laugh at anything even remotely amusing will therefore alleviate a lot of life’s pressures and dramas. Everybody loves to laugh - the most successful movies, plays, and television shows have always been comedies. Life is way too short to take it seriously and so the most attractive quality a man can have is to keep those around him in constant amusement. I keep in close touch with an ex-boyfriend to this day for the sole fact that we can make each other laugh like very few others can, and I guarantee that every guy out there is looking for similar fun and frivolity.

Intelligence - While it is generally thought that men are fearful of other men whose intelligence is superior to their own, nothing could be further from the truth. No one expects their significant other to be able to expertly discuss and analyse the geological topography of the People’s Republic of Chad, however, social intelligence and a keen interest in the world around us are qualities that will take most people a long way. In any sort of social scenario, we will be introduced to people who are well read, widely travelled, highly educated, and culturally curious, and it’s important that we are able to converse in type. Therefore most guys I know will always look highly upon a boy whose knowledge and interests are extensive and varied, and who is clever without resorting to grandstanding or the belittling of others. It’s been said before that sex and intelligence are the dual cures for boredom, and for single guys it’s not often that both are readily available in the same package.

Personal Style - While the male mind might easily be distracted by the flashing of an unholy amount of skin, it’s not generally something that will keep us occupied long term. We’re not all really that shallow and typically much prefer a man who dresses for the occasion with a little class and elegance - it’s why you just don’t see that many guys actively pursuing relationships with money boy or Justin Beiber (is that right spelling?). It’s certainly important to wear a spectacular ball to a VIP event and to have a hot clubbing outfit ready to go, but we also appreciate a pair of ripped jeans and singlet when lazing around the house or a business suit for a client meeting. Fashion isn’t always about dressing up or dressing down and it certainly isn’t about showing us everything as some of us definitely prefer to leave some things to the imagination. Give us variety, substance, and show us that you have a personal style all of your own, because clothes don’t just make the man and we do pay attention!

A Knock-Out Feature - While straight guys would be lying if we said looks were not important, they maybe do not carry as much weight as most gay men would think. A man does not have to be drop dead gorgeous with the body of Chriss Evan at Captain America and the face of Brad Pitt for our interest to be tweaked. If you were to ask twenty gay guys what feature they found the most attractive in a man or noticed in the first instance, you would quite likely receive twenty different responses. Some guys are derriere obsessed whereas others search for a George Clooney picket-fence smile; some appreciate curves and booty while one of my mates has a strange obsession with well shaped ears. While you probably have no idea what that guy you have been eyeing at the bar for the last couple of hours looks for and prefers, you will certainly know what your own knock-out feature is and everybody certainly has one, whether it be mysterious eyes, sensual lips, lustrous hair, a killer set of buns, or a gym toned stomach. Whatever it is, play it up, work with it, enhance it, own it. If a guy notices and admires your best asset, it’s more likely that he will transfer that admiration over to you as a whole.

Confidence - Nothing is more attractive to me than a man who breezes into a room like he hasn’t a care in the world. Carrying yourself with an aura of poise and self belief is a quality that will have male heads turning wherever you go. In this respect, confidence is channelled from someplace deep inside and it’s not an easy thing for straight men or gay men to fake or imagine - confidence can only be realised from a supreme belief in your own power. Watch your cat the next time it enters the room and acknowledge how it watches you with a curious mix of superiority, detachment, and impenetrable unflappability. While initially it will be difficult to stop yourself from throwing its smug face out the front door, you somehow are left working even harder to garner its love and approval. Confidence between the sexes prefaces innocent teasing, harmless flirting, and a sense of danger and mystery that allows for the transfer of power in any personal relationship. This will more often than not have any guy eating directly out of the palm of your hand.

So, my friends, let me know if I am wrong about those what I just point out! who's care about Mr. DTE (down to earth) Mr. Funny, Mr. Big Dick or Mr. Sporty etc....

Till then

Is HE the one...?

Many years ago (long before I met my current hot potato!) I was in a relationship where I just could not work out whether to stay or whether to go. I couldn't work out why, despite treating me like a princess, I couldn't pin point my true feelings about this guy.

The biggest conflict came from the fact that I was carrying the burden of past relationships, worrying that I had not stuck around long enough to make them work, and wondering whether I was just being a perfectionist trying to find that perfect, blemish-free piece of fruit that quite simply did not exist.

That was, until a very wise friend said to me 'When you meet the right one George, you just won't have any doubts.’

So I took the leap of faith and left the relationship. A couple of months later I could clearly see that this guy and I did not fit. Why was it so hard to see while in the relationship? Because of those wonderful things we all have that blur our objectivity, emotions of course!

If you're stuck in this same quandary as to knowing whether to stay in your current relationship or not, I hope that this experience of mine will provides some things to look out for, to clear the path and make a decision that feels true for you.

Let me know how you go.

1. Listen to the doubts
If you're having doubts it's a sure sign to sit up and listen. The question you need to ask yourself is are you having doubts because he's not the right one or are you having doubts because you inherently fear commitment and are looking for some perfect man to sweep you off your feet? If it's a pattern that keeps arising, where you find small flaws with everyone you date it may say more about you than your partner. Only you will know the answer to this one but if there is something in your gut that just doesn't feel right, make sure you listen.

2. Take a look at your values and goals
This was the primary difference between me and the man I had so many questions about. He was a night owl that liked to stay up to the wee hours and sleep all morning, whereas I like to get my zzz's by 10.30pm and wake up at the crack of dawn. He liked to go out gaming with his mates. I didn't. He had no idea what he wanted from life and found change quite difficult. I know who I am and where I am going, and I love change. These were some telltale signs that we wanted different things out of life.


3. Notice how you feel about yourself
Ok so I shouldn't have to state this one but if you feel worse about yourself when you're with him than you did when you were single or in past relationships, watch out. If you're with someone that puts you down or makes you feel unworthy of his love, get out.

4. Recognise how you both communicate
The cornerstone of a healthy, long-lasting relationship is clear, honest communication. If you and your partner can't talk about your problems, you're in for an uphill battle. Either get help to communicate effectively or find a relationship where you both communicate well and each feel heard and supported.

5. Get past your fears
Are you staying in this relationship because you fear you won't find someone else? This is never a reason to stay in a relationship. It's not fair to you and it certainly isn't fair for your partner. Sure it's hard to leave a relationship and have to date all over again, but life's too short to spend it making huge compromises like this in such an important area of your life.

6. Get real about the time you enjoy with your friends
I hope I don't have to tell you this one but if you enjoy the company of your friends more than you partner, bing bing, wake up. If it's a temporary escape from problems in the relationship that can be worked through, then work through it. But if you genuinely prefer hanging out with your friends to being with your partner, what are you doing?

7. Hear what others have to say
When in the emotional grips of romance, we can fail to see other people's flaws that seem glaringly obvious to others. Now, I'm not suggesting you should put your friend's opinions above your own, especially if they tend to pick holes in all your love interests. However, if they generally respect your relationships and just have a really bad feeling about this one, at least consider their comments. Always trust your own judgement of course, but don't block out everyone else's opinion either.

8. Think about what makes you really happy
If we don't know what we love in a relationship and a partner, nor life for that matter, how can we expect our partner to fit? We must know who we are and what truly matters to us and be able to share this with our loved ones. Sit down and think about what you really desire in a relationship and partner, what truly makes you happy.

9. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
All too often we let the little things bother us in relationships that really don't matter. I'm talking about trivial things here that are small quirks that we just need to accept about our partner. If he messier than you, does it really matter if you clean up more than he does? If he doesn't like phoning you at the end of each day, in the big scheme of love is this such a deal breaker? Put your priorities in perspective.

In a nutshell, if you love his company, want similar things out of life, communicate well and feel better about yourself for having him in your life, you've likely got something good going on. If not, I don't pretend for a minute that it's an easy decision to make but often times it's the fear of making the wrong decision that can keep us stuck where we are putting up with something that just doesn't feel right. Whatever you do, don't let fear be the reason to stay in a relationship.

Till then, always choose love, after all, you deserve it!