SEX on the first date - To do it or not to do it....?

‘The only time I slept with someone on the first date, I end up live with him for the next 3 years.’ Jones told me while ago in Melbourne.

While there are indeed some first-date sexual encounters that actually work out in the end, the ultimate question remains: to do it or not to do it?

According to a bunch of Melbourne based gay men, some of my single colleagues and many of those hailing from younger generations, the answer is a resounding ‘no’.

Yep, surprisingly, sex – or at least the casual encounter - is no longer on the cards.

I remember Jones told me that, while sex can be ‘discombobulating and distracting’, and while it can make one ‘immune to money, politics and moral’, sometimes it's all so complicated the younger generation are seemingly wanting to give it up altogether.

He mention during our happy hour at the pub ‘Generalising about cultural trends is tricky, but everywhere there are signs that sex has lost its frisson of freedom. Is sex less piquant when it is not forbidden? Sex itself may not be dead, but it seems sexual passion is on life support.’

And he's not the only one who thinks so.

Evidence of this is the fact that a bunch of once promiscuous gay men in Kuala Lumpur have declared they are going on a permanent no-casual-sex diet. One of these men is Karl, who told me that, after having sex with a stranger he met in the Bar, he woke up to find him naked and saying: ‘What's your name?’

Charming.

Unfortunately, there's no telling how it's going to end before the deed is done. Because, in the heat of the moment, it never, ever seems like a bad idea. Because, when the chemistry is palpable and there's more heat between the two of you than in a sauna, what's to stop you?

So to do it or not to do it? Can you predict the outcome of getting hot and sweaty and naked with someone else?

Everyone seems to have a different view of it. A friend who’s in the long term relationships, Luke, says: ‘When I met Jacob, all my rules flew out the window. I slept with him on the first date. We've been together for four years now.’

Newly in relationship’s Tory says: ‘I made him wait for six months. Best decision ever. We are so happy together. We've been together for seven months. Oh yeah, we haven't had sex in a while, but that's OK. I'm sure things will get better once he move in with me.’

Henry wrote to me in an email: "The boy dictates when you're going to have sex. For sure. You know when he wants to have it. So you just wait until you get the signals.

He waited for four months.

Does it really matter in the scheme of things how long a gay man makes the boy to wait?

At the dinner table the other night, I was surprised to hear a range of opinions.

'I made him wait for a month,' Daniel declared.

'We waited a month? No way it was that long,' his boyfriend Mark retorted.

Daniel, distraught at having to hold out and then not to have it even acknowledged, was shocked.

'Yes we did! I made you to wait, remember?'

Mark had no such recollection.

Liz (the only girl on the table), on the other hand, told the table that her boyfriend had made her wait for six weeks. ‘The minute we kissed, he was my boyfriend. We didn't need to sleep together to make it official.’

Is that why she likes him more than Mark likes Daniel? I doubt the sexual timing has anything to do with it.

While this conversation left me more confused than ever, perhaps it's as Peter, a friend of mine said on the subject of having sex on the first date: ‘It all depends how good you think he'll be’ ...

When they asking me: 'What do I think?'

To me, this makes it look as if gay men are using sex to manipulate the other gay men and get what they want.

Actually, that would be pretty close to the truth.

Stop over-thinking and over-analysing sex and enjoy it. That's what it's meant to be. It's not a tool to ensnare men or a carrot to dangle to keep him around as he patiently salivates. If you're worth hanging around he'll stay. If not, it won't matter when or if you have sex with him as he'll leave as soon as the cost outweighs the benefit or a smarter man gives him what he wants.

Being precious about sex just exposes many underlying insecurities and that is very unattractive and a big warning sign.

As for me, seriously? Just enjoy it, especially when you realised that both of you were on fire....

And my friend, what do you think?

Till then, catch you here pretty soon.