Many years ago (long before I met my current hot potato!) I was in a relationship where I just could not work out whether to stay or whether to go. I couldn't work out why, despite treating me like a princess, I couldn't pin point my true feelings about this guy.
The biggest conflict came from the fact that I was carrying the burden of past relationships, worrying that I had not stuck around long enough to make them work, and wondering whether I was just being a perfectionist trying to find that perfect, blemish-free piece of fruit that quite simply did not exist.
The biggest conflict came from the fact that I was carrying the burden of past relationships, worrying that I had not stuck around long enough to make them work, and wondering whether I was just being a perfectionist trying to find that perfect, blemish-free piece of fruit that quite simply did not exist.
That was, until a very wise friend said to me 'When you meet the right one George, you just won't have any doubts.’
So I took the leap of faith and left the relationship. A couple of months later I could clearly see that this guy and I did not fit. Why was it so hard to see while in the relationship? Because of those wonderful things we all have that blur our objectivity, emotions of course!
If you're stuck in this same quandary as to knowing whether to stay in your current relationship or not, I hope that this experience of mine will provides some things to look out for, to clear the path and make a decision that feels true for you.
Let me know how you go.
1. Listen to the doubts
If you're having doubts it's a sure sign to sit up and listen. The question you need to ask yourself is are you having doubts because he's not the right one or are you having doubts because you inherently fear commitment and are looking for some perfect man to sweep you off your feet? If it's a pattern that keeps arising, where you find small flaws with everyone you date it may say more about you than your partner. Only you will know the answer to this one but if there is something in your gut that just doesn't feel right, make sure you listen.
2. Take a look at your values and goals
This was the primary difference between me and the man I had so many questions about. He was a night owl that liked to stay up to the wee hours and sleep all morning, whereas I like to get my zzz's by 10.30pm and wake up at the crack of dawn. He liked to go out gaming with his mates. I didn't. He had no idea what he wanted from life and found change quite difficult. I know who I am and where I am going, and I love change. These were some telltale signs that we wanted different things out of life.
3. Notice how you feel about yourself
Ok so I shouldn't have to state this one but if you feel worse about yourself when you're with him than you did when you were single or in past relationships, watch out. If you're with someone that puts you down or makes you feel unworthy of his love, get out.
4. Recognise how you both communicate
The cornerstone of a healthy, long-lasting relationship is clear, honest communication. If you and your partner can't talk about your problems, you're in for an uphill battle. Either get help to communicate effectively or find a relationship where you both communicate well and each feel heard and supported.
5. Get past your fears
Are you staying in this relationship because you fear you won't find someone else? This is never a reason to stay in a relationship. It's not fair to you and it certainly isn't fair for your partner. Sure it's hard to leave a relationship and have to date all over again, but life's too short to spend it making huge compromises like this in such an important area of your life.
6. Get real about the time you enjoy with your friends
I hope I don't have to tell you this one but if you enjoy the company of your friends more than you partner, bing bing, wake up. If it's a temporary escape from problems in the relationship that can be worked through, then work through it. But if you genuinely prefer hanging out with your friends to being with your partner, what are you doing?
7. Hear what others have to say
When in the emotional grips of romance, we can fail to see other people's flaws that seem glaringly obvious to others. Now, I'm not suggesting you should put your friend's opinions above your own, especially if they tend to pick holes in all your love interests. However, if they generally respect your relationships and just have a really bad feeling about this one, at least consider their comments. Always trust your own judgement of course, but don't block out everyone else's opinion either.
8. Think about what makes you really happy
If we don't know what we love in a relationship and a partner, nor life for that matter, how can we expect our partner to fit? We must know who we are and what truly matters to us and be able to share this with our loved ones. Sit down and think about what you really desire in a relationship and partner, what truly makes you happy.
9. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
All too often we let the little things bother us in relationships that really don't matter. I'm talking about trivial things here that are small quirks that we just need to accept about our partner. If he messier than you, does it really matter if you clean up more than he does? If he doesn't like phoning you at the end of each day, in the big scheme of love is this such a deal breaker? Put your priorities in perspective.
In a nutshell, if you love his company, want similar things out of life, communicate well and feel better about yourself for having him in your life, you've likely got something good going on. If not, I don't pretend for a minute that it's an easy decision to make but often times it's the fear of making the wrong decision that can keep us stuck where we are putting up with something that just doesn't feel right. Whatever you do, don't let fear be the reason to stay in a relationship.
So I took the leap of faith and left the relationship. A couple of months later I could clearly see that this guy and I did not fit. Why was it so hard to see while in the relationship? Because of those wonderful things we all have that blur our objectivity, emotions of course!
If you're stuck in this same quandary as to knowing whether to stay in your current relationship or not, I hope that this experience of mine will provides some things to look out for, to clear the path and make a decision that feels true for you.
Let me know how you go.
1. Listen to the doubts
If you're having doubts it's a sure sign to sit up and listen. The question you need to ask yourself is are you having doubts because he's not the right one or are you having doubts because you inherently fear commitment and are looking for some perfect man to sweep you off your feet? If it's a pattern that keeps arising, where you find small flaws with everyone you date it may say more about you than your partner. Only you will know the answer to this one but if there is something in your gut that just doesn't feel right, make sure you listen.
2. Take a look at your values and goals
This was the primary difference between me and the man I had so many questions about. He was a night owl that liked to stay up to the wee hours and sleep all morning, whereas I like to get my zzz's by 10.30pm and wake up at the crack of dawn. He liked to go out gaming with his mates. I didn't. He had no idea what he wanted from life and found change quite difficult. I know who I am and where I am going, and I love change. These were some telltale signs that we wanted different things out of life.
3. Notice how you feel about yourself
Ok so I shouldn't have to state this one but if you feel worse about yourself when you're with him than you did when you were single or in past relationships, watch out. If you're with someone that puts you down or makes you feel unworthy of his love, get out.
4. Recognise how you both communicate
The cornerstone of a healthy, long-lasting relationship is clear, honest communication. If you and your partner can't talk about your problems, you're in for an uphill battle. Either get help to communicate effectively or find a relationship where you both communicate well and each feel heard and supported.
5. Get past your fears
Are you staying in this relationship because you fear you won't find someone else? This is never a reason to stay in a relationship. It's not fair to you and it certainly isn't fair for your partner. Sure it's hard to leave a relationship and have to date all over again, but life's too short to spend it making huge compromises like this in such an important area of your life.
6. Get real about the time you enjoy with your friends
I hope I don't have to tell you this one but if you enjoy the company of your friends more than you partner, bing bing, wake up. If it's a temporary escape from problems in the relationship that can be worked through, then work through it. But if you genuinely prefer hanging out with your friends to being with your partner, what are you doing?
7. Hear what others have to say
When in the emotional grips of romance, we can fail to see other people's flaws that seem glaringly obvious to others. Now, I'm not suggesting you should put your friend's opinions above your own, especially if they tend to pick holes in all your love interests. However, if they generally respect your relationships and just have a really bad feeling about this one, at least consider their comments. Always trust your own judgement of course, but don't block out everyone else's opinion either.
8. Think about what makes you really happy
If we don't know what we love in a relationship and a partner, nor life for that matter, how can we expect our partner to fit? We must know who we are and what truly matters to us and be able to share this with our loved ones. Sit down and think about what you really desire in a relationship and partner, what truly makes you happy.
9. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
All too often we let the little things bother us in relationships that really don't matter. I'm talking about trivial things here that are small quirks that we just need to accept about our partner. If he messier than you, does it really matter if you clean up more than he does? If he doesn't like phoning you at the end of each day, in the big scheme of love is this such a deal breaker? Put your priorities in perspective.
In a nutshell, if you love his company, want similar things out of life, communicate well and feel better about yourself for having him in your life, you've likely got something good going on. If not, I don't pretend for a minute that it's an easy decision to make but often times it's the fear of making the wrong decision that can keep us stuck where we are putting up with something that just doesn't feel right. Whatever you do, don't let fear be the reason to stay in a relationship.
Till then, always choose love, after all, you deserve it!
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