There're no need right now for me to make a room for a significant other or a relationship. I am not willing to compromise for love. I told Daniel yesterday afternoon, when we had a coffee at cafe 151 in Pharan. I knew, love is wonderfu thing but not at the expense of all the other wonderful things, I told him.
I told Daniel that I always took a relationships very seriously, and when the relationships end, I need to spend sometimes to be alone, to think that the things is over. My break-up with Scott was particularly devastating to me. I needed to be alone and I needed to be because it wasn't right to rush into another ralationship again - I had some thinking to do, and some relearning of who I was. What my values were and what I was looking for.
I never feel that I had wasted my eight bloody long years with Scott, because I had very good relationship with him, we'd had the most fabulous times together, and of course we had some bad time too. Like most couple in this planet, no matters there're straight or gay, life's just like a rollercoaster ride, sometime you were up and some other time you were down. I had never regretted nor do I upset with the way we finished our eight year partnership. It was me, I wanted to finish it. I just not happy with the idea of following Scott back to London to live with his parents.
It took me six long months to decided that we have to end it and move on with our own life, which is I live in Melbourne and he move back to London to helping his father business. So I had to do a little healing after my life changed and to figure out what I did learnt from the relationship and what I want in next relationship.
Luckily I had some good friends around me, and who'd given me the unconditional support in my life: friends who have the integrity and don't lie to me, and friends who share my value system and who is understand why I react to certain things. I've had friends who will share my birthday with me, and who won't forgotten me at Christmas. I've had friends who will sit with me if I get sick and friends who know how I did like to be buried and I thoughts this was a pretty good for someone like me....
'Don't you feel lonely living by your onw everynight?' Daniel asked me, wondering how I will survived living on my own after Scott. As he always know that I'll never live alone and always the need to have some companion around me.
'Of course I did felt lonely sometimes.' I told him. The reality is I would love to be in love again, but who's going to fill Scott shoes? and where to find him?
'You still young George, and don't you given up just because Scott has gone.' he told me with full of concerned. Given up? Did I given it up? where the truth is, I always wondering where to find them?
'But at this moments Daniel, I am very happy with myself and enjoying being alone.' I lied to him just to end such conversation. The fact that, I don't want to pinning for something that I wasn't sure of.
'My dear friend, I didn't grow-up thinking: 'I can't wait to meet a man who's going to give me a great life,' and I am not even dreaming about what my next relationships were going to be like.' I told him and give him a big smile as the waiter brings us the coffees.
I still don't conjure the image of that. But I have a lot of great experiences and it would be so great to share those - and to have a kindred spirit to share those times and those that not so great too.
'For God sake Daniel, I am thirty five years old, I am not just looking for sex.' I don't know how those words come out from my mouth. Of course I am not looking for sex, I am looking for a man whom I could hold his hand and i could cuddle during the cold night winter, looking for the man that I could shared my life with and the man that i could give my love to. If I just looking for sex, I could just find it anytimes if I want to, there're everywhere, knowing Melbourne very well - city of hungry man.
'That is the thing, that make me more worried about you, I don't want seeing you sad, lonely at your old day.' His expression were confused me at some staged.
'You're wrong Daniel, I am not sad, and lonely at all, I am happy as I am. Of course i am going to meet a man sooner, but right now, am happy with the way it turn up.' the fact that I am tired with the game and not really interested with the trickery, and the manipulation and philosophies, it made me tired with the game that those peoples played.
I find myself striggling with the idea of having to choose a path in life that will bring me happiness and contentment.
It's finding out what is important to me, and paying attention to what I value. It's not about choosing blue and when I am sixty wishing that I had red. It's about knowing that I like blue and I have to nuturing that side, I am trying to pick my colour and so far now the one I had is a good one.
- Melbourne 1996 -
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