My Journal - I -

It was Saturday afternoon. It was the very first day of the new millennium - year two thousand. I was lonely, Malik had been gone for almost an hour and my body was dry from the relaxing bath I had taken. I put on my terry-cloth robe, and from my bedroom window i gazed up at the layer of puffy white clouds, so peaceful and beautiful sunny - summer of 2000.

I went into the kitchen and poured a glas of cognac, and more to my den. I stared to put some Diana Krall's but instead I slipped in Frank Sinatra's "Fly me to the moon" my anthem for few decades. After the cognac numbed my tongue, and the music had begun to soothe my soul, I decided to start my journal.

I spend Friday night with Malik at a new millennium party he was given with some of his friends. After his boyfriend' Darren left for work, I told him what happend with my life in Auckland. About how my relationship with Bennie had ended, and about his view of me as 'unsettled.' Just because for the past two years I has been travelling back and foward in between Melbourne and Auckland, which let me to diverse corner of the globe. 'Living in the moments' became my personal mantra and this often translated inro my relationship being fleeting - albeit passionate. yes, one could easily come to the conclusion that I was young and carefree. But two years later I am still very much alone.

When Bennie and I began 'dating,' i was stil in the midst of getting over yet another short-lived relationship. Fabian almost ten years my junior, was a charismatic Italian who-this I discover much later - had a reputation for loving and leaving. He wooed me with the fervour that his countrymen are known for flowers on our second date, home-cooked dinners, I mean home-made pasta(!), and talks of trip to Italy to meet his mother-all this within the first month of our relationships.

Looking back, I was blind to the warning signs of his wandering eyes, whenever a young and attractive guy walked into the room. I chalked it up to it being part of his Italian nature. So when one evening, over another beautiful home-made pasta, he served me with the cold dish of 'I don't think this is working.' I didn't know what hit me and spent the next several weeks in a deep depression.

I told Malik's: being new in Auckland and out of luck of support system, I threw myself into my relationship with fabian, believing that we would go the distance. i had just celebrated my 35th birthday and had been contemplating hanging up my travelling shoes and settling down for a change. Fabian was to tell me later that he wasn't capable of sharing that dream of mine with him. This fact, however, did not console me, especially when months after our break-up he was sporting a new love interest in his arms.

I met Bennie, ironically enough, when i was with Fabian. It was at a party of one of Fabian friends. While sitting watching Fabian make a fool of himself on the dance floor, Bennie sat by my side and asked me to dance. I declined, but not listening, he insisted. I enjoyed the dance. In his arms, it was a whirlwind adventure of twist and turns, he was a very forceful mover with lots of laughter.

I was not attracted, thought, so Bennie - even after my split with Fabian. Althought my matuan friends Neil would inquire with frequency about what I thought about him. "He's single." Neil would say, as if this was the only thing he had going for me. My instincts said 'no.' I had been out with Bennie socially on several occasions and found him abit too serious for my liking. He also to young for me, five years younger then me, and I didn't feel like repeat performance of younger guys, I want someone my age! It that too difficult?

Never say never, they says: My mind changed quite surprisingly when one night while driving me home after dinner party, Bennie asked about the demise of my relationship with Fabian.

I was visibly aback, which proved that after two months I had not got Fabian out of my head. Bennie quickly apologised, but his curiosity was peaked. I did go into some details, but wanted to punch him, which I did. With one arm on the steering wheel, he caught my right arm and we playfully struggled for a bit.

I think it was in this moment, arm in arm, that a spark what lit, at least on my past. Bennie would later tell me that he liked me from the very first dance..

We start 'dating' a month after that drive home. But Bennie come with rules and plenty of instructions. We were not to be intimate until we really got to know each other well. You know, I am thirty five years old man. A man had never in my life given this stipulation. Bennie had suffered a series of blows in his previous relationships and at thirty he didn't just want to fool around.

Yes, I could do this: No Hanky panky. this about maturity didn't last for too long. I went from feeling like a grown up to immature in the span of two weeks when it was o who longed for more than a kiss at the end of a nice evening. I would return home feeling as frustrated as a ten-years-old-boy who couldn't get the first base. My friend Neil told me to give him more time.

I give it a shot, out of the novelty of it and -in all honesty-it felt like I was embarking on something special. For the most part, we had fun. One day I email him with a top-ten list of thing we could do that evening: in-door rock climbing, game of pool, a private dinner and dance... It was the last one i was hoping he would take me up on. Bennie chose a game of pool at the local pub instead. Which further illustrated how vastly difference our romance inclinations were.

After about two months of 'dating.' Bennie the exes, trated me to a lovely dinner, thing were going well and he hope we could go on seing each other. I agreed and it seemed that all that was missing at the table was a signed contract. We didn't shake hands, but later that evening exchanged one of the most passionate kisses of our dating tenure.

Althought there was such a serious side to Bennie, there was also a caring and funny side of him. He listened to my many career schemes, could make me laugh at a drop of hat and matched me on our different needs for affection. Just two days afte that lovely dinner, thing went pear shaped. After a soul-destroying week of work. I had a mental break-down of short-nothing justifiable-just a 'oh woes me' cry.

After an evening with friends and three glasses of Pinot Gris later I asked Bennie to stay with me that evening, to which he sharply respesting his need to take things slows.

The next week we were 'taking a break' from each other and in that following week over another dinner the jig was up. I was 'unsettled' according to him. He eventually wanted to buy a house, have a partner and lifestyle were not compatible - all a load of crap.

Trying not to totaly create a scene, i defended myself. We both had our guard up. Mine fell when I saw the look of 'hurt little boy' on his face of a thirty years old man. I was ready to call Auckland home and ready for commitment at that time, but he wasn't understood and didn't believe in me.

I was, nonetheless, hurt and angry. I could see right through his projections and wondered how I could have fallen for a man who could so easily give up on me. But I did I had done it more than one.

We attempted to be just 'friend' some months after our split. Calling each other in the middle of the night. Asking company for a walks and coffee. We would, thought, often blur the lines of friendships with a smooch now and again, which often ended with Bennie proclaiming that it wasn't a good idea and him dropping out of my life for several weeks - only to start up again.

It was at one of the evening after a play that thing heated up between us. I guess after the dinner and loads of champagne's, Bennie made the move and we made love for the first time.

It was a beautiful night, one leaded with so much expectation and longing. I was more in shock than anything else that he initiated it. I wonder if it was more curiosity than lust that led us to the night.

Not a big surprised: A couple of days later Bennie called to say that he didn't think that we should continue that night. Ugh...! As I shook my head in disgust and hung the phone on him. I swore to myself to leave him to the hell alone. I was tired of him going hot and cold on me. I was even more exhausted at the emotional energy I was spending, receiving nothing in return.

We drop out of each others lives for several months until one afternoon, Bennie gave me a call to see if I wanted to 'catch-up' for coffee. I would always relent, partly out of my warped belief that maybe things could still work and partly because i felt that we could eventually amke a good friends out of this. We had a civilized cup of latte at SPQR and a chat about our lives. Birth of us grateful that it was daylight and no alcohol was involved. When he later gave me a hug and said we should get together sometimes soon, I didn't say a word.

I told Malik, I did 'catching-up' with bennie, and we went back to on-again, off-again relationships. But it wasn't really a relationship. It consisted of both of us calling each other up whenever we felt lonely. I had been experiencing another depression. Bennie, as well, had his own issue. He shared with me that he was still grieving over his last relationship. Who three years previously ended the relationships abruptly!

Althought I knew very well that nature of our relationships was unhealthy, I did not know how to end it. Each time we saw each other, I would tell myself it was the last time, sometimes sharing this with him. He would often agree, but week later, one of us will give that 'late night' call. Until one night we both decided enough is enought.

We had an illuminating conversation, with Bennie acknowleging our sexual connection, but also telling that there were no chances of anything else. Even though, in my heart of hearts, I knew this, once said I finally saw him and the relationship for what it was. Before going to sleep, we agreed to say goodbye for good.

I told Malik, this morning, when we wake-up, I feel so empty and I cry for a long time.

Malik's give me a big hug and he told me i didn't need to be sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. Usually when he inivites me to a parties with Darren and his others friends, I find a way out, because most of his friends are smoker and pretty young - around twenties and I felt too old everytimes I around them. But I need to talk and just to be with Malik, and hope that humours and warmth would help me to ease some of my loneliness. He assured me this were going to be a hot party, with some peoples around my age. He was rights, his friends partner was just around my age and he had invited a lot of his friends.

The party was packed, I meant it, it was wall-to-wall mens. It had been so long since I been out that I'd forgotten how many good looking guys called Melbourne home. After helping Malik bring in some of the foods he had cooked. I found a spot against a wall unit and allowed my eyes to tour the room. the music was great, and the drinks was flowing. Almost every five minutes, Malik was coming over and introducing me to one of his friend. His age, and my age...

That was a gorgeous young men just coming, every heads in the room was turn ti him. I was like 'wow..!' This guy definitely my type of guy. He's tall with a short hair and well dress - clean cut. I was like shock when he turn and look at me with broad smile at his face.

He was very busy talking to his friends, and everyone in the room come to him and gave hin a hug and kisses. But then one of the guy - i guss might be his boyfriend - was all over him, rubbing his arse and his hand at his shoulder all the time. I wish that was me.

'Bugger! Why didn't he come and stand next to me.' my tiny voice told me. But another voice speaks out 'Forget about him mate, can't you see that he had a boyfriend?' So, I told myself that they guy who's rubbing his arse is his boyfriend and that would make me felt better. But my eyes couldn't stop watching him the whole night, and every times he stared at me, he gave me the most beautiful smile - I was like - God know - melted.

I saw him talking to the guy next to him closely and I decided this love connection wasn't going to happend. I pick my drinks and back-up and noticed that even thougt he was still otherwise engaged, he smiles at me again and this time he winked at me. Well, that was it - I was going to meet this man, I could simply ignore his admire.

During the ride home all i could think about was the beautiful gorgeous stranger and how everytimes I think abot giving love another try, the unexpected happens.

It was hell, dark. It was, and I am deeply lonely. I felt panic and absolute fear about my future. I thought I knew what my future would be and then suddenly i didn't. So, then I went, what's it all about/ What is life? Why do i want to live it? What is hope? I Had all these nihilistic thoughts...

On the plane back 'home' to Auckland, I was like - Am I not goo enough to attract a man and to make a man come to me? What's wrong with me? Am I too old for them? And why is love very hard to come to me after my long break-up with Angus?

It was a few days after am back to Auckland that i felt so depressed and empty - wanting a man badly. that late afternoon, in hot Auckland summer, when everyones is heading to the beaches for sun-bathing and nice swim. I was heading to the club 18, I was angry to myself. If I couldn't attract a man in the bright light with my clothes on, why don't I try in the dark maze with nothing on!

I felt so nervous because i haven't been to the sauna in Auckland yet. I have been to one in Melbourne years ago. I never had the thought of finding a man at this kind of sleezy dark room. But i had made-up my mind to give it a go, to see what I could graps and which man will find me attractive in my nakedness. I was laugh at myself when I am finally managed to go through the entrance.

It was very dark, and I didn't wear my glasses. I realised and I feel it that so many hands try to grapping my arse. In the darkness like this, it was impossible for me to see the hands or to figure out how the look like, so, I just ignored them by walking forward: 'sorry mate, I am blind' my inner voice says.

About hald an hour or so, when my eyes sight get better with the darkness and I feel more comfortable with the place and of course I could see some faces and all those naked bodies more clearly. Some of the guys are too old and some pretty ugly and some were bloody young. I felt useless and unworthy, and keeps asking myself, what on earth I am doing here? - to find a man!

It was the image of a tall and slim guy watching me from the room infront of me. I was so nervous and don't know how to make out of this. I stand still, after fifteen minutes, the image infront of me make a move toword me, he come and slowly touching my nipples and my naked body. His warm and smooth hands really turn me on.

When finally, my body agreed and give the respond to his smooth tought - that made me felt high - I gave him the indication that I agreed to follow him to into the room.

It was the longest sex I've ever had, and it was also the best sex in a long times. We made love twice that evening in the same room, i know that, I knowit because i was there with him, and the story he told me all still fresh in my head. Three hours in that tiny room, we finally out and clean our 'dirty' body in the shower. Before we're leaving the place, he introduce himself - my name is Scott William Graham.....

Mushroom Bruschetta

8 slices fresh loaf, cut extra thick

2 table spoon olive oil

4 large portobello mushroom

200g mixed mushroom

100g butter

2 garlic cloves, finely diced

1 cup fresh chopped parsley

freshly ground black pepper

1 lemon

Lightly coat slices of bread with olive oil, using brush. Heat a cast iron grill break on both sides until lightly grilled. set aside, wipe any dirt from the mushroom and slice. Heat butter in a large pan, add garlic and mushroom and cook over gently heat for about 10 mins. Add extra parsley and grind with plenty of pepper. pile the mushroom on top of the bread and squeeze with lemon juice, serve immediately