Down with love.....

I am not very good at this. Being the ‘other man.’ It has been going on for nearly two months now and it is making me ill. Most of the time I feel sick with guilt. In heterosexual life if it is ‘another woman’ they called it ‘scarlet woman’ and how about in homosexual life? Will they call me ‘scarlet man.? Gosh… I am a bitch? That is what I say to myself when I look in the bathroom mirror. I used to hate people like me. But now I am one of them.

I have crossed to the other side. The only way I have found to stop the self-loathing is to tell myself that my behavior is somehow virtuous. That Toby and William are incompatible. That if he really loved Toby, he wouldn’t be doing this and I am therefore doing his favour by encouraging him to see sense and break up with Toby sooner rather than later. I even have reference for my ‘why it’s sometimes right to sleep with someone else’s boyfriend’ thesis.

I cite the gay break-up statistics. Point out that people often find out too late that the person they thought was ‘the one’ isn’t. And if they discovered it earlier, perhaps by having an affair with someone else whom they suspected might actually be the right one

Gay’s break-up statistic would plummet. It is bollocks, of course. My desperate, flawed logic. But it is all I have to cling on to. This idea that he is the right one for me, that once we get this minor complications of his boyfriend sorted out we will be together for life. And that makes it all OK.

But for now we are not together. Not publicly at least. So we have to pretend. We tiptoe around each other trying to get balance right. Between not smiling, lingering, speaking too much, in case we give the game away, or avoiding each other so much that the others guess there is something going on. I scream inside while we do it. Because I cannot scream out loud.

It has been five days, Five days too long. I exist for the time I spend with him. Alone. Away from others, away from Toby. Mostly at my flat but occasionally, if Toby is away, at his. He is coming to mine this evening. Seven-thirty. He has told Toby that he is going to the gym. But he will be working up a sweat with me instead. I shouldn’t say that because it is not funny.

I know that.And it had been three bloody long months, my theory doesn’t work, am still ‘the other’ man and I couldn’t take it anymore… I thought I deserve better than this painful relationship. My big mistake to courage this. I have to finish this.

Then I realised that, there's no need right now for me to make a room for a significant others or a relationship. I am not willing to compromise for love and being the "other man." Love's a wonderful, wonderful thing, but not at the expense of all the other wonderful things.

I took relationship seriously, and when they end, I spend time alone to think thing's over. My break-up with William was particularly devastating to me. I am truly like William, but I realised I was fooling myself for being 'the other man.' It was a destructive relationship and it had to end. Being in love with him was a roller coaster-ride and I definitely wanted off. William just what I need, he's young and fun, brilliantly talented. We're turned on by each other. It's not just about the sex. But the time wasn't right for me to get involved with William.

William's will remain a very special guy to me.

I need to be alone, and I needed to be because it wasn't right to rush into a relationship. I just arrived in Kuala Lumpur, plenty of talents and times in front of me, if I really needed, but right now, I had some thinking to do and some relearning of whom I was, what my values were and what I am looking for here in Kuala Lumpur.

I had to do a little healing after my life changed and figure out what I'd learnt. I have unconditional support in my life: people who have integrity and don't lie to me (even they'll leave around the world in different cities) and share my value system and who understand why I react to certain things. I have people who'll share my birthday with me, and who won't forget me at Christmas. I have people who will sit with me if I get sick and people who know how I'd like to be buried, and that's a pretty great scenario.

Of course, in reality: I would love to be in love again, but insists I am happy being single. I don't want to miss what is good in my life by pinning for something. I didn't grow up thinking, "Oh, I can't wait to meet a guy who is going to give me a great life." I didn't dream about what my next relationship was going to be like - I still don't conjure images of that. But I have a lot of great experiences and it would be so great to share those - and to have a kindred spirit to share those times that are not so great.

For forty seven years old, love means being totally honest. I am not interested in the games, the trickery, and the manipulations and philosophies.

I find myself struggling with the idea of having to choose a path in life that will bring me happiness and contentment.

It's finding out what's important to me, and paying attention to what I value. It's not about choosing blue and then when you're sixty wishing you had red. It's about knowing you like blue and nurturing that side. I am trying to pick my colour and right now the one I have is a good one.

Just last March, I sat with my good friends in Melbourne in Bangkok for our birthday gate-away, we played the birthday game, and we had to tell every person what we love most about them. When it cames time for my friend to tell his partner, he said: "You're my life and I'd do it all over again and we're together until the end" They've shared everything. They had everything in life, they're survivors, and that's what my friends hope for me - to meet a guy and have a quiet life and have some one to love and hand to hold, and ultimately that's all that there is. They have that at the table, I've seen it and I believe in it and I love it, I know it's there for me too, some place.

He's out there somewhere, I know he is, he's born, I know that much. But life for me right now is to enjoy the independent I have as a single men. I won't changed my plan just because of the man I meet say "I love you." I won't compromise my life just because of a man. I never should have looked back at that direction, it just the same old things. There are wasted days in my life.

I am older now and I am not foolish anymore. Something good has happened to me, I got something I can hold, something to believe in. And something to work on it........ My new dreams....

I am very happy with the way it turn out...... I'll work harder to make my dream become success and this dream will turn out to be just what I want it to be...... I'll pray and work hard for it.....

Till then, hope love will come your way as you had plan it sweetie.....Bless