SEX on the first date - To do it or not to do it....?

‘The only time I slept with someone on the first date, I end up live with him for the next 3 years.’ Jones told me while ago in Melbourne.

While there are indeed some first-date sexual encounters that actually work out in the end, the ultimate question remains: to do it or not to do it?

According to a bunch of Melbourne based gay men, some of my single colleagues and many of those hailing from younger generations, the answer is a resounding ‘no’.

Yep, surprisingly, sex – or at least the casual encounter - is no longer on the cards.

I remember Jones told me that, while sex can be ‘discombobulating and distracting’, and while it can make one ‘immune to money, politics and moral’, sometimes it's all so complicated the younger generation are seemingly wanting to give it up altogether.

He mention during our happy hour at the pub ‘Generalising about cultural trends is tricky, but everywhere there are signs that sex has lost its frisson of freedom. Is sex less piquant when it is not forbidden? Sex itself may not be dead, but it seems sexual passion is on life support.’

And he's not the only one who thinks so.

Evidence of this is the fact that a bunch of once promiscuous gay men in Kuala Lumpur have declared they are going on a permanent no-casual-sex diet. One of these men is Karl, who told me that, after having sex with a stranger he met in the Bar, he woke up to find him naked and saying: ‘What's your name?’

Charming.

Unfortunately, there's no telling how it's going to end before the deed is done. Because, in the heat of the moment, it never, ever seems like a bad idea. Because, when the chemistry is palpable and there's more heat between the two of you than in a sauna, what's to stop you?

So to do it or not to do it? Can you predict the outcome of getting hot and sweaty and naked with someone else?

Everyone seems to have a different view of it. A friend who’s in the long term relationships, Luke, says: ‘When I met Jacob, all my rules flew out the window. I slept with him on the first date. We've been together for four years now.’

Newly in relationship’s Tory says: ‘I made him wait for six months. Best decision ever. We are so happy together. We've been together for seven months. Oh yeah, we haven't had sex in a while, but that's OK. I'm sure things will get better once he move in with me.’

Henry wrote to me in an email: "The boy dictates when you're going to have sex. For sure. You know when he wants to have it. So you just wait until you get the signals.

He waited for four months.

Does it really matter in the scheme of things how long a gay man makes the boy to wait?

At the dinner table the other night, I was surprised to hear a range of opinions.

'I made him wait for a month,' Daniel declared.

'We waited a month? No way it was that long,' his boyfriend Mark retorted.

Daniel, distraught at having to hold out and then not to have it even acknowledged, was shocked.

'Yes we did! I made you to wait, remember?'

Mark had no such recollection.

Liz (the only girl on the table), on the other hand, told the table that her boyfriend had made her wait for six weeks. ‘The minute we kissed, he was my boyfriend. We didn't need to sleep together to make it official.’

Is that why she likes him more than Mark likes Daniel? I doubt the sexual timing has anything to do with it.

While this conversation left me more confused than ever, perhaps it's as Peter, a friend of mine said on the subject of having sex on the first date: ‘It all depends how good you think he'll be’ ...

When they asking me: 'What do I think?'

To me, this makes it look as if gay men are using sex to manipulate the other gay men and get what they want.

Actually, that would be pretty close to the truth.

Stop over-thinking and over-analysing sex and enjoy it. That's what it's meant to be. It's not a tool to ensnare men or a carrot to dangle to keep him around as he patiently salivates. If you're worth hanging around he'll stay. If not, it won't matter when or if you have sex with him as he'll leave as soon as the cost outweighs the benefit or a smarter man gives him what he wants.

Being precious about sex just exposes many underlying insecurities and that is very unattractive and a big warning sign.

As for me, seriously? Just enjoy it, especially when you realised that both of you were on fire....

And my friend, what do you think?

Till then, catch you here pretty soon.

Supply Vs Demand

When my smart, spunky, successful friend Sean arrived in Kuala Lumpur from Auckland in the hope of nabbing himself an eligible Malaysian bloke, he was flabbergasted by what he discovered: a bunch of game-playing, Playboy types who come on strongly and then swiftly move on to the next without so much as a kiss in the morning or a goodbye text.

"What's going on?" he asked me, perplexed.

"They're spoilt for choice," I told him. "They don't need to pick one when there are so many gorgeous boys everywhere you look."

When The Sunday Star recently came out declaring that relationships are more about an economic transaction than a chance romantic interlude between two unsuspecting individuals, I was intrigued. Especially when I got to the part where the writer, Robert H. Frank, an economics professor at Cornell University, likened the current state of relationships to the financial market: one that is dictated by supply and demand.

"Economics teaches us that when there is excess demand for a good, its price rises," he writes. "According to this model, excess demand for partner should have caused the terms of courtship to shift in favour of men."

Which reminded me exactly of the dating game Down Under. It often seems that there is indeed an "excess demand for boys", and unfortunately the boys are having a field day sexually.

Says my banker friend Lloyd: "When supply exceeds demand, either supply will fall (there'll be fewer white) or the price will fall, and therefore boys will have lower standards or will be willing to accept inferior substitutes."

Like anything, if there is a surplus of hot, eligible, sexy, young men for the small number of eligible gay men, then it's no wonder we're in a no-commitment, game-playing generation.

The solution?

"Do not date any guy in their 30s," two men in their 40s recently warned me. "They have so much choice available to them, there is no way in hell they're going to settle down. You need to either go for a man much older than you, or stay single. Don't even try."

"He told me that he likes getting 80 clicks a day. It's just a big boost to his ego and shows him he's still got it. For that reason he'll probably never settle down, even though he pretends to want to."

And why should he? Simple supply and demand.

After a few weeks in Kuala Lumpur, Sean vehemently concurred with my hypothesis.

The competition is fierce. Hence the boys are becoming more desperate, will cling to anything with a stable job and a credit card, and boy, do the men know it.

When I did a quick poll of the gay men for my blog, I was swiftly given a startling reality check: Gay men expect sex quickly, and the boy feel that if they don't give it up just as fast, they'll lose out on nabbing the last available man in the country.

But when I interviewed one 33-year-old man I'll call Jim, I discovered that there are some men who are equally sour about their situation.

"I meet boys and they immediately want to take me home," he told me. "Suddenly, though, they don't want to do anything. And then I don't hear from him again."

The problem, he reckons, is that there are "too many assholes and not enough nice guys", and therefore these bad eggs are ruining it for the rest of the gay men species.

"Communication doesn't exist. Everything is done via text and everything can be misinterpreted. Gay boys don't text back for hours, or sometimes days. And when I text back regularly or too often, it's like I'm not playing by the rules or something. Everything is a game. How will any real relationship come out of that?"

He has a point. I often get berated by my well-meaning (boys) friends for texting or calling a guy.

"What are you doing? You should never contact them first!" they lament. "They need to be the ones chasing!"

I must be out of the loop, or loopy, or just honest and clear about my intentions. But apparently that's a no-no.

One long-time singleton James told me that when he was recently in London, the men treated him entirely differently. And he liked it.

"Men actually picked up the phone. They texted to say they wanted to see me again; called to say they had fun on the date, took me for picnics and tours of the city and still didn't try to kiss me by the third date. And when I texted or called them, they actually became more keen. It was refreshing."

So does that mean there is a low supply of hot-to-trot British gay men?

"That's right," says my Aussie mate Cameron who is living here. "That's why I flew back to Sydney to recruit one and bring him back with me."

They're now living together in Kuala Lumpur, have been together for over a year and both of them are blissfully happy they no longer have to play texting games ...

From my own experience when I just arrived Auckland in 1999 from Melbourne - the difference there is remarkable. Guys ask me out, want to pay for dates, open car doors... It really is quite amazing. The guy I am seeing at that time didn't even try to kiss me until our third date and this seems quite common... While I love it and it is refreshing it is also very confusing at time for a Melbourne boy like me... (at that time)

Till then

Is there such a thing as 'too much sex'.....?

They have ticked the attraction box, the personality box, and sharing of similar interests but what happens if they don’t pass the ‘same sex drive’ box? Finding someone that ticks all the boxes is hard enough, so can a relationship work when one person has a libido set to maximum threshold yet the other’s is at the bottom of the scale?

After a boys’ night out this week, I’m beginning to think boys just want to have fun and unfortunately some boy are failing to keep up. It’s the usual story, when a relationship kicks off the guy can’t get enough but once into the grove the pattern starts to take a turn. That is, the daily routine starts to become weekly, and God forbid, monthly.

I admit to breaking up with someone because our libidos didn’t quite lead to as many 'O’s' as I had wished for. My relationship with this particular ex started off perfectly. He ticked all the boxes and our attraction was so strong we simply couldn’t tear ourselves apart. However, as time progressed so did my concerns with the lack of nocturnal activity.

Six months into our relationship and sick of having my advances ignored, I voiced my concerns that perhaps we weren’t so perfect after all. In full fledge defence mode, he argued that there is such a thing as ‘too much sex’ and that nightly sex is not ‘normal’. All I could say was, ‘well my normal is obviously not your normal!’ And that was it, six months wasted but at least I learned the importance of addressing issues as they arise.

Now although some people simply have a different point of view on how often is ‘normal’, others simply have external forces making them regularly not up for the occasion. Yes, this is all those men out there with physically demanding jobs. Perhaps being literally too exhausted and physically incapable are legitimate reasons to be excused. So how does one satisfy their needs in such a situation?

A friend of mine faced with this precise dilemma recently deployed the ‘am’ trick as a last effort to save their relationship. He began to set his alarm ten minutes earlier each day ready to pounce as his man awoke, refreshed and ready for a little pre-work activity. They are now the happiest they have been in a long while.

On the flipside there are some relationships where tricks can't help but rather a little reminder and motivation will do wonders. I’m talking about those couples out there, who after years in the one relationship, simply forget how wonderful sex is. While the sudden urge to run to the bedroom at the drop of a hat may have gone, it's certain that once there you'll be back to pure bliss.

Luckily for me, at this point in time I’m in a happy state of equilibrium. Should things change, rest assured I’ll speak my mind!

Till then, I guess, at my age now. I am pretty much getting what I want....

And ENJOYED every moments.

SOUL MATES - Do they REALLY exist...?

To some extent, the process of mating belongs to the body and the mind. The soul cannot mate with anything, nor does the soul need a mate because it is absolute and boundless. Only what is limited needs a mate in order feel a little better.

If you choose a mate because you want your body to feel a little better, we call that sexuality, and it can be quite beautiful. If we choose a mate because we want our minds to feel a little better, we call that companionship.

If we want our emotions to feel better, we call that love.

Experiencing good physical compatibility, companionship and a strong sense of love can make your life very wonderful in many ways, but if you are willing to look at all this very carefully and sincerely, you cannot deny the limitations with which they exist and the anxiety that naturally follows such arrangements.

Though it is quite a fortune for a human being to find someone who is physically, mentally, and emotionally compatible, the limitedness of even that arrangement invariably becomes suffocating if you are unwilling to settle for the limited.

To have such a pleasant arrangement is like living in a beautiful garden. Every human being wants to have this, but this is not a matter of the soul. All the connections you make this way are either of the body, mind or emotions.

You cannot connect anything else this way. It is extremely important that we understand the limitations with which we are living and try to make the best of them for now, and then see how we can go beyond our limitations tomorrow.

If you do not understand the limitations of your relationship, it gets greatly decorated, but when it crashes it becomes so ugly you cannot even walk out of it gracefully. It becomes ugly simply because you tell many lies to yourself and to the other person. It is better to be straight, at least with yourself. Even if your partner lacks the necessary maturity for you to be 100 percent straight with him, you must at least be straight with yourself.

It is very, very important to be straight with yourself; otherwise, life won't work right. And if you are very straight with yourself, you will see through things very easily.

There are lots of things that people think are important that won't matter to you or even make much sense to you. The more sincere you are with yourself, the clearer you will see things and the less melodrama you will create in order to make your life more intense and interesting.

Without all the melodrama, you will become freer and freer, and you will quickly become less entangled. You will cut away one encumbering rope at a time. Then you will rise to higher and higher elevated realities.

If you do not become absolutely straight with yourself, it may take a lifetime to deal with every little thing that disturbs you before you finally come to the point where you realize that all your worry is not getting you anywhere.

That is a waste of your time -- and of life.

But if you are very straight with yourself, you will see that most of the things that are highly romanticized in the world actually mean nothing at all. They are all very empty. Life is full as it is, it does not need decorating. Only those who are missing the intensity of the life process -- those who are not in perception of the grandeur of life within -- have this juvenile idea that they have to enhance life. The life process does not need any assistance from you to become beautiful, if only you are willing to merge with it and know its beauty.

Does this mean you should not enjoy the simple aspects of life? No. Let's apply this to the moment. If you eat your dinner, will you get enlightened? No, but that does not mean we won't eat dinner; we eat.

We can still enjoy the simple process of life even though dinner is not going to get us to the ultimate. Our bodies are hungry.

Similarly, if you are hungry in your emotions, body and mind for certain things, you get yourself into a relationships .

But you know very well that this is not the ultimate.

This is a good and sensible way to handle your relationship. If you believe too many fancy things about your relationship, then it cannot help but disappoint you.

Relationships are made to make our life journey pleasant for ourselves, and also for those around us.

Believe me, I been there done that and the soundstrack is still playing in my ears.... If you know what I means.....

Till then.....

What men REALLY wnat.....

'Man gives many question marks, however, a gay men is an entire mystery!'

Forget about those epening line at those website about what those guys want, here is what I want.....

Sense of Humour - My late grandfather always said laughter was the best medicine, which is, I guess why several of us suffered from never-ending whooping cough. At the conclusion of an everlasting work day, most of us are lethargic, irritable, and suffer from an intense desire to burn anyone who gets in our way. A great sense of humour, a keen wit, and the sly ability to laugh at anything even remotely amusing will therefore alleviate a lot of life’s pressures and dramas. Everybody loves to laugh - the most successful movies, plays, and television shows have always been comedies. Life is way too short to take it seriously and so the most attractive quality a man can have is to keep those around him in constant amusement. I keep in close touch with an ex-boyfriend to this day for the sole fact that we can make each other laugh like very few others can, and I guarantee that every guy out there is looking for similar fun and frivolity.

Intelligence - While it is generally thought that men are fearful of other men whose intelligence is superior to their own, nothing could be further from the truth. No one expects their significant other to be able to expertly discuss and analyse the geological topography of the People’s Republic of Chad, however, social intelligence and a keen interest in the world around us are qualities that will take most people a long way. In any sort of social scenario, we will be introduced to people who are well read, widely travelled, highly educated, and culturally curious, and it’s important that we are able to converse in type. Therefore most guys I know will always look highly upon a boy whose knowledge and interests are extensive and varied, and who is clever without resorting to grandstanding or the belittling of others. It’s been said before that sex and intelligence are the dual cures for boredom, and for single guys it’s not often that both are readily available in the same package.

Personal Style - While the male mind might easily be distracted by the flashing of an unholy amount of skin, it’s not generally something that will keep us occupied long term. We’re not all really that shallow and typically much prefer a man who dresses for the occasion with a little class and elegance - it’s why you just don’t see that many guys actively pursuing relationships with money boy or Justin Beiber (is that right spelling?). It’s certainly important to wear a spectacular ball to a VIP event and to have a hot clubbing outfit ready to go, but we also appreciate a pair of ripped jeans and singlet when lazing around the house or a business suit for a client meeting. Fashion isn’t always about dressing up or dressing down and it certainly isn’t about showing us everything as some of us definitely prefer to leave some things to the imagination. Give us variety, substance, and show us that you have a personal style all of your own, because clothes don’t just make the man and we do pay attention!

A Knock-Out Feature - While straight guys would be lying if we said looks were not important, they maybe do not carry as much weight as most gay men would think. A man does not have to be drop dead gorgeous with the body of Chriss Evan at Captain America and the face of Brad Pitt for our interest to be tweaked. If you were to ask twenty gay guys what feature they found the most attractive in a man or noticed in the first instance, you would quite likely receive twenty different responses. Some guys are derriere obsessed whereas others search for a George Clooney picket-fence smile; some appreciate curves and booty while one of my mates has a strange obsession with well shaped ears. While you probably have no idea what that guy you have been eyeing at the bar for the last couple of hours looks for and prefers, you will certainly know what your own knock-out feature is and everybody certainly has one, whether it be mysterious eyes, sensual lips, lustrous hair, a killer set of buns, or a gym toned stomach. Whatever it is, play it up, work with it, enhance it, own it. If a guy notices and admires your best asset, it’s more likely that he will transfer that admiration over to you as a whole.

Confidence - Nothing is more attractive to me than a man who breezes into a room like he hasn’t a care in the world. Carrying yourself with an aura of poise and self belief is a quality that will have male heads turning wherever you go. In this respect, confidence is channelled from someplace deep inside and it’s not an easy thing for straight men or gay men to fake or imagine - confidence can only be realised from a supreme belief in your own power. Watch your cat the next time it enters the room and acknowledge how it watches you with a curious mix of superiority, detachment, and impenetrable unflappability. While initially it will be difficult to stop yourself from throwing its smug face out the front door, you somehow are left working even harder to garner its love and approval. Confidence between the sexes prefaces innocent teasing, harmless flirting, and a sense of danger and mystery that allows for the transfer of power in any personal relationship. This will more often than not have any guy eating directly out of the palm of your hand.

So, my friends, let me know if I am wrong about those what I just point out! who's care about Mr. DTE (down to earth) Mr. Funny, Mr. Big Dick or Mr. Sporty etc....

Till then

Is HE the one...?

Many years ago (long before I met my current hot potato!) I was in a relationship where I just could not work out whether to stay or whether to go. I couldn't work out why, despite treating me like a princess, I couldn't pin point my true feelings about this guy.

The biggest conflict came from the fact that I was carrying the burden of past relationships, worrying that I had not stuck around long enough to make them work, and wondering whether I was just being a perfectionist trying to find that perfect, blemish-free piece of fruit that quite simply did not exist.

That was, until a very wise friend said to me 'When you meet the right one George, you just won't have any doubts.’

So I took the leap of faith and left the relationship. A couple of months later I could clearly see that this guy and I did not fit. Why was it so hard to see while in the relationship? Because of those wonderful things we all have that blur our objectivity, emotions of course!

If you're stuck in this same quandary as to knowing whether to stay in your current relationship or not, I hope that this experience of mine will provides some things to look out for, to clear the path and make a decision that feels true for you.

Let me know how you go.

1. Listen to the doubts
If you're having doubts it's a sure sign to sit up and listen. The question you need to ask yourself is are you having doubts because he's not the right one or are you having doubts because you inherently fear commitment and are looking for some perfect man to sweep you off your feet? If it's a pattern that keeps arising, where you find small flaws with everyone you date it may say more about you than your partner. Only you will know the answer to this one but if there is something in your gut that just doesn't feel right, make sure you listen.

2. Take a look at your values and goals
This was the primary difference between me and the man I had so many questions about. He was a night owl that liked to stay up to the wee hours and sleep all morning, whereas I like to get my zzz's by 10.30pm and wake up at the crack of dawn. He liked to go out gaming with his mates. I didn't. He had no idea what he wanted from life and found change quite difficult. I know who I am and where I am going, and I love change. These were some telltale signs that we wanted different things out of life.


3. Notice how you feel about yourself
Ok so I shouldn't have to state this one but if you feel worse about yourself when you're with him than you did when you were single or in past relationships, watch out. If you're with someone that puts you down or makes you feel unworthy of his love, get out.

4. Recognise how you both communicate
The cornerstone of a healthy, long-lasting relationship is clear, honest communication. If you and your partner can't talk about your problems, you're in for an uphill battle. Either get help to communicate effectively or find a relationship where you both communicate well and each feel heard and supported.

5. Get past your fears
Are you staying in this relationship because you fear you won't find someone else? This is never a reason to stay in a relationship. It's not fair to you and it certainly isn't fair for your partner. Sure it's hard to leave a relationship and have to date all over again, but life's too short to spend it making huge compromises like this in such an important area of your life.

6. Get real about the time you enjoy with your friends
I hope I don't have to tell you this one but if you enjoy the company of your friends more than you partner, bing bing, wake up. If it's a temporary escape from problems in the relationship that can be worked through, then work through it. But if you genuinely prefer hanging out with your friends to being with your partner, what are you doing?

7. Hear what others have to say
When in the emotional grips of romance, we can fail to see other people's flaws that seem glaringly obvious to others. Now, I'm not suggesting you should put your friend's opinions above your own, especially if they tend to pick holes in all your love interests. However, if they generally respect your relationships and just have a really bad feeling about this one, at least consider their comments. Always trust your own judgement of course, but don't block out everyone else's opinion either.

8. Think about what makes you really happy
If we don't know what we love in a relationship and a partner, nor life for that matter, how can we expect our partner to fit? We must know who we are and what truly matters to us and be able to share this with our loved ones. Sit down and think about what you really desire in a relationship and partner, what truly makes you happy.

9. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
All too often we let the little things bother us in relationships that really don't matter. I'm talking about trivial things here that are small quirks that we just need to accept about our partner. If he messier than you, does it really matter if you clean up more than he does? If he doesn't like phoning you at the end of each day, in the big scheme of love is this such a deal breaker? Put your priorities in perspective.

In a nutshell, if you love his company, want similar things out of life, communicate well and feel better about yourself for having him in your life, you've likely got something good going on. If not, I don't pretend for a minute that it's an easy decision to make but often times it's the fear of making the wrong decision that can keep us stuck where we are putting up with something that just doesn't feel right. Whatever you do, don't let fear be the reason to stay in a relationship.

Till then, always choose love, after all, you deserve it!

How to mend a BROKEN heart.....!

Have you just been through a relationship breakup? If so, I'm sure you're dealing with a lot of emotions, having up and down days, and times where you wish you could be back in love again. A break up is inevitably painful (unless of course you're happy that its over) but there are things you can do to help yourself move on with greater ease.

I was watching 'The Bachelorette' the other day, I don't know if you've seen it, but basically it's a reality show where ten guys are fighting for the love of the one bachelorette, in this case Ali. Each week one of the men is not given a rose by Ali and sent home as a result. This week, the tables were turned on Ali when one of her favourite men, Frank, decided to leave because he had realised he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend.

Ali was devastated as she had a deep connection with Frank right from the start.

Now the reason it was interesting, is that Ali said something at this point that reflects the inner torment that is common for us to go through after a break up. Despite Frank telling Ali that he realised he was in love with someone else, Ali still played the fantasy over in her mind that he would come back and say he had changed his mind.

She couldn't work out why her mind was doing this, despite intellectually knowing that that it wasn't going to happen and despite being so angry at him for his selfish behaviour and deceit that she wouldn't really want him back anyway.

This flood of emotions, fantasies and thought patterns is normal after a break up. We all go through a common grieving process after a big loss in our lives. Ali was in the early stages of grief referred to as 'shock and denial'. Basically there are three main phases of grief that if you understand may help you move through your own loss:

Phases of grief:
Phase 1: Shock & denial - you can't believe the relationship has actually ended, you literally can't get your head around it. You may even feel numb, disconnected and play over scenarios in your mind of what you did wrong to cause it to happen, or what you failed to do that you think may have saved the relationship. You start to feel angry that this person has done this to you or even just a general sense of anger at life or even find others to blame for the outcome. You may begin bargaining which means praying / begging to the universe or your God that the person comes back to you and what you will do if they do.

Phase 2: Sadness, depression and loneliness - you feel immense pain about what has happened, start crying easily, or become particularly moody or withdrawn. You may start to want to be alone and reflect on your upset and sadness. In the process you reflect upon past memories with your partner and worry about whether you will ever fall in love again. Strong feelings of depression and isolation can arise.

Phase 3: The turn-around - you start to feel ok and your life is re-establishing itself, although you may still miss the person you are starting to let go and move on with your new life. You start to deal with problems in a more solution oriented way and to work through things. You start to feel a sense of acceptance that the relationship is over and hope that you will find someone else and once again be happy in love.

Each of these phases is normal to go through after a break up and we tend to move back and forth at various times. It is important to remember that you can't rush yourself to 'just get over it', however, by understanding these phases you can help yourself move through each of the phases more easily. Some of the following strategies may be useful to do so.

1. Face your feelings

Do you have a tendency to run away from your feelings or deal with them as they arise? Unfortunately in our society it's quite common to avoid our feelings through the use of drugs and alcohol, working long-hours, keeping busy, food, or any other strategy that enables us to ignore our feelings. As a result we have no way of moving through or releasing those emotions and instead we hold onto them, bottling them up inside. If you want to move through the loss with greater ease, you must start facing your feelings. Spend some time alone on a regular basis just sitting and being with your feelings about the break up. Allow the sadness to just be there without trying to fix it. Allow yourself to cry or feel angry and hurt. Take several big deep breaths in and as you breath out, imagine breathing out all the hurt, pain and anger.

2. Do something to signify closure

Some people find it helpful to do something physical that represents completion of the relationship to help them mentally accept the end of the relationship and start a new life. For example, writing a letter to their ex (but not actually sending it rather putting it in the bin or ripping it up afterward or simply writing it in their journal where no-one else will see it), saying everything they wanted to say to their ex but didn't, and ending it with a final goodbye and best wishes Another client of mine went to a spot that he used to frequent with his ex, said goodbye to him as if he was there, thanked him for the good times and told him that he is now moving on to find love with someone who was able to love him in the way he wished to be loved.

3. Deal with the anger

Anger is a normal part of loss and grief, it is not to be judged or feared. However we need to release our anger or we can end up taking it out on the world and ourselves. Find a way to release your anger about the relationship ending - go to a boxing class and imagine telling your ex everything you are angry about as you punch into the bag; write a list of all the things you are angry about, allowing yourself to feel the anger as you write it; see a therapist or counsellor to help vent and work through your feelings.

4. Focus on what did not work

Focusing on the negative is not something I usually recommend however, after a breakup is the one time when it can be helpful. Once a relationship is lost in our lives we often focus our attention on all the things we miss about the person, why our life is empty without them and how much better it was when they were here. Shift this perspective by intentionally focusing on what did not work in the relationship, the challenges and frustrations and the qualities that were absent that you would like to find in your next relationship that will enable it to be even more amazing.

5. Visualise an even better future

One of the hardest parts about a break up is that it can be difficult to imagine falling in love again in the future. While in the relationship you may have imagined the rest of your life with our ex and now you have to create a whole new picture of what your live will be like. By consciously thinking about how you would like your new future to be, you reduce the tendency to focus on the hole in your life created by the break up and instead focus on the possibilities of what can be.

6. Set personal goals

Set two or three personal goals to achieve in your life to take the focus away from the relationship and toward making yourself happy. This will give you a focus for your thoughts and a feeling of moving forward despite the painful emotions.

7. Look after you

This is a great time to start looking after yourself and learning to love yourself more fully. Many friends come to me for advice for this exact reason, to learn how to love themselves more so that in their next relationship they can be truly happy. Get out and start exercising if you are not already, put together a healthy eating plan, find hobbies and passions that you love, join a new group to fill some of those free evenings. If you can afford it, get a massage or get your hair down. Take part in a yoga or meditation class that will help you move through the emotional turmoil and gain acceptance.

Trust me, that will help you alot - it might sound dificult, but if you practice and do it the right way, sooner or later you'll find confident and move on and new man is on their way already.....

Till then, don't thinks too much of your ex's.... move on and leave the 'wanker' alone and get a new life .....

Meaningless SEX anyone?

To be honest, I really don’t know. From my recent experience I would say No but then again, for a gay men I think maybe it depends on what kind of head space he’s in at the time as to how emotionally attached he’s going to get.

I met Mr. French at a party one night, took him home and, well, shagged him till the sun came up. And when I say 'met' I mean, I saw him, singled him out, flirted for a bit then got him into a taxi quick smart knowing exactly what I wanted.

Normally I’m not that kind of men. Hell I’ve been in a relationship for 11 years before, and am kind of dating someone now, so of course I’m not that type of men, but that night I went out fully knowing what I intended to do and why. I had been thinking about trying out a casual kind of ‘relationship’ for a few weeks deciding that I wanted some fun but not a full on commitment. I’d even had rules around how it would was going to work to keep emotions to a minimum.

The next morning Mr. French was a total gentleman. We went into work together, he carried my bags for me, we had a good conversation, we swapped numbers and that was that. A good start to what I had decided was going to be my first casual sex relationship...unbeknownst to Mr. French.

I waited a few days and then I texted him and asked him if he wanted company after 10pm that night for a few hours. Of course he did! What boy would say no to that kind of offer? That night I set some ground rules. If I was going to do this I knew I couldn’t develop an emotional connection what-so-ever with Mr. French I needed to be 100% in control so when it ended it had minimal impact.

I needed this because the rejection I’d felt from my relationship was still fresh and I guess I just wanted to feel ‘wanted’ on some kind of level. (I’m sure a psychologist would have a field day with that statement!)

My booty call rules included:

No sleep over’s

No calling before 8pm at night

No waking up together on Sunday mornings

No weekend breakfasts

No dinner dates

No snuggling

My rules rocked for about two weeks. And then of course...HE broke the god damn rules. And I let him. We started catching up at the pub and then once for dinner and before I knew it the guy was sleeping over. It all went downhill from there. I was so annoyed at myself. I started really liking Mr. French I did everything I could to keep it physical. I really tried to stick to those damn rules. Queue emotional complications.

I think most gay men’s are just built to look for emotional connections, meaningful conversation and some level of understanding from men. Whether we just want sex or not, sex means something to us, even if it is just a one night stand. It makes us feel something about ourselves: loved/approved of/sexy/beautiful/wanted/attractive.

And if we really like the guy it’s something we do to deepen the connection.

And tell more about it please......

Till then