Will single over 40s be single forever?

Works too hard. Won't compromise. Commitment-phobic. Cancels plans. Forgets plans. Doesn't call back. Sigh.

While it seems we're often preoccupied in his column with naming and debating the myriad douchebag behavioural traits of men – lying, cheating, sexting other boy or, worse, not texting you – lately I've come across a possible reason behind all this anti-male malice: it's not him, it's his age.

‘He's too young!’ cried a singleton recently to me after meeting the man of his dreams, only to discover (post hook-up) that he was 10 years younger. When he told him he was only five years his senior, he responded with, 'Yeouch, you're really old!'

Little did he know …

Nevertheless, he proceeded to court him for the next few weeks. That's because (generally speaking here) younger men love the chase. Everything is fresh, new and exciting. Man are unknown to them. No one has broken their hearts just yet. Hence, they're romantic, thoughtful, endearing, excited, filled with energy and brimming with ideas on how to please him.

‘So what if it can't go anywhere? said the other friends of mine, fielding yet another text message from him begging for a date. ‘It's refreshing. Much better than all these old guys who are so set in their ways that there's hardly room for you in their lives, let alone a full-time boyfriend.’

It's a universally acknowledged truth that age does matter. And, while socially acceptable age gaps have widened in recent times (thanks in part to the likes of Demi Moore, Madonna and Samantha Jones), I've begun to notice a strange pattern emerging: when it comes to the dating game, older men are increasingly the problem.

For years boy have thought that if they met and impressed an older, wiser, established, secure bloke, he'd be mature enough to know what he wanted when he saw it, get down on one knee, pop the question and be done with all the dating hoo-ha.

No such luck.

‘But I thought because he's older and has his shit together, he would be perfect!’ complained one boy who recently found himself single after dating a man aged 47. (he's 30.)

Take a look at Simon Cowell, who at 51, has allegedly just kicked out his fiancée and sent her to live in his other property, nicknamed the 'girlfriend graveyard' – a place where all his exes wind up just before they're given the flick … for good.

Then there's perpetual bachelor George Clooney, who swaps his girlfriends more often than most men change their underwear, never stopping to think that, by 50, he might want to stick with just one. Oh no.

After dumping Italian actress Elisabetta Canalis, Clooney has now moved on to former wrestler Stacy Kiebler. (If I were her, I wouldn't be fobbing off other dates any time soon.)

In my quest to discover the reason behind the delayed, I've discovered that the older a man gets, the less likely he is to commit … ever.

And by the time he reaches 40? It's near to impossible. So at 50, I'm not quite sure what the boy who date these men are thinking. That they'll change them? Be the ones these men will finally commit to?

Seriously?

Maybe it’s that by 40-50 years old we have our act together, know what matters to us, and realise that sex is no longer the all important, all enveloping need it once was.

Maybe we find the idea of being 70 years old at a potential offsprings 21st birthday party cringe worthy.

Maybe by middle age we realise we stand to lose so much and have and so little to gain by hitching our wagon to a potentially hostile take over of our lifes work and assets should all turn pear shaped.

Maybe we are tired of being constantly reviled by the fabulous boys (or money boys) in Kuala Lumpur as doucebags, liars, in the closet, cheats and misogynists on one hand, then expected to take on your baggage with the other.

See, old-men know that we are born alone, and a batchelor in middle age realises that it’s not a bad place to be.

Selfish and indulgent? For sure.

But ah... the blessed peace, the freedom from boy-nazis, the joy of choosing to have companionship or not.

Till then....

Friends with an ex? What's the point?

They say one should live one's life with no regrets. Yet, while most of us try to do so, a study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science found that one regret stands out more than others.

When 370 adult Americans were asked to report on one salient regret in life, the most common one was related to - you guessed it - a past relationship. (This came above regretting facets of one's career, finances)

Intrigued as to how many people really regret their past relationships, I spent the weekend investigating and discovered that, even though failed relationships abound, many people still remain firm friends with their exes.

Perhaps these days it's unavoidable, especially considering the current generation, dating more, committing less and Facebook connects us with our exes from two to 20 years ago. Perhaps it's sufficient to say that exes are more prevalent in our lives than ever before - whether we like it or not.

But is it really healthy for one to remain friends with an ex after ending a relationship?

When it's over, should it be over emotionally as well as physically?

Pop singer Adele, who penned an entire album about taking revenge on her ex, has recently gone against everything she preaches in her lyrics and has let her ex back into her life.

'We're becoming friends again,' she told Spinner magazine, much to the horror of the millions of women whom she empowered through their own break-ups. 'I know what I'm doing,' she added.

'Enough time has gone by now.'

Say what!? Didn't her album, 21, which sold more than 10 million copies, act as a go-girl mantra, telling all women that they should strive to get over the dude who broke their hearts and never to speak to him again?

And now she's reneging on her message and doing what she's told women never to do – be mates with their exes?

It doesn't make sense. But it's not that rare either. Just the other day, Charlie Sheen was spotted out for dinner with his ex Denise Richards.

Elle Macpherson was photographed with her ex Tim Jeffries.

And Elizabeth Hurley, who is making headlines for her hasty engagement to Shane Warne, (apparently he makes her 'happy'), has remained friends with quite a few of her exes.

In an interview with the Daily Mail newspaper recently, Hurley said that Arun Nayer (her latest ex) is still her best friend. She also claims that she, Nayer and her other ex, Hugh Grant, all go on holiday together.

And the most startling revelation of them all: Warney and Grant now play golf together. Hmm.

In an unofficial survey carried out by moi, it seems the jury is out on whether one should hang out with an ex or not. Some reckon it can't be done without resulting in a cat fight. Others say they swear by it. ('My exes keep me sane!' said one.)

Another said she doesn't speak to her ex at all because it only sets her back and brings about too much pain.

Needless to say, everyone seems to have an opinion on how one should handle a past love.

Ah, the ex. The very word goes straight to the jugular, reeking of awkward moments, mixed memories, bitterness, resentment, anger, guilt and longing. So why does an ex continue to have such an impact over their previous partner's life?

Is it because we haven't - as Adele says so eloquently - met someone better than them yet? Or do they simply remind us of a time in our lives when we felt happy, part of a twosome, wanted, adored, never lonely and never bored?

These days, considering we're dating for longer and are racking up a lengthy list of exes, it almost seems that not being friends with an ex would cut out half of our social circle. Not to mention the fact that, if we work together, go to the same gym, share the same psychologist or landlord or favourite coffee shop, not remaining friends with this person is not something we even get to choose.

For me, being friends with an ex is fine, but it needs to have a use-by-date. Be friends until one or both of you gets serious with someone else. To me, it would be a little awkward seeing my new date giggling over mojitos with someone he's previously been sexually intimate with ... And so I hope to give him the same respect by not being too matey with any of my exes either.

But what do I know?

I’ll says that to be friends with an ex is a pointless endeavour and once a relationship is over, it should be over for good.

There's lots of people out there who think being friends with your ex is possible. I'm, however, not one of these types. Instead, I think trying to be friends with your ex is a very difficult task at the best of times and it's generally better to stay well clear of this sort of relationship. For starters, break-ups can be messy, and often there are unresolved feelings and hurts that make an ongoing close friendship impossible. It also makes it really hard for either of you to move forward, and be available to meet a new love interest.

You can't share personal things with them like you used to, nor can you spend the same sort of time socialising with their family and friends. Not to mention the problems that can occur with mixed messages, the possibility of ex-sex and of holding on to hope of rekindling the fire.

My advice - find someone else to be friends with and let both of you move on.

Talking about regrets, there's a saying:

Mistakes are sometimes the best memories. And when it comes to exes, past relationships, heartache, lost loves - whatever - sometimes even though you made mistakes, if you can turn around and say you had a heck of a lot of fun at the time, then it might, just maybe, have all been worth it ...

Till then, sweetie. Am not again you meeting up with your ex on the weekend, perhaps, inviting me to be the third person while you holidaying with your ex is not in my agenda.... I bet you two had a great time ‘catching up’ the lost...

What makes love last?

It all sounds so easy: Boy meets boy at the party, they fall in love, and live happily ever after. But anyone who’s been on the dating scene for more than a millisecond knows that it’s not that easy—not by a long shot.

Finding and maintaining a successful relationship often takes a little luck, more than a little patience, and a lot of work. What else does it take for a romantic partnership to go the long haul?

For the specifics, I sat down with two successful gay couples to explore what exactly keeps their bond strong.

Feel free to take notes!

Rob, 47, a publishing executive from local magazine, and Kevin, 46, a marketing and promotions Manager from well known company in Kuala Lumpur together for 10 years

Timothy, 51, a financial analyst from One of the biggest foreign bank in town, and Adam, 49, an accountant from audit firm in Kuala Lumpur together for 8 years

Q: What surprised you the most about being in a long-term relationship?

Adam: I once thought being in a long-term relationship meant a lot of sacrifice on my part with little return from my partner. With Timothy, it is a give-and-take situation. He is very giving and kind and doesn’t make a big deal out of doing things for me. We just do things for each other naturally, because we want to.

Rob: Challenges can strengthen a relationship as long as you stick together. Our fortunes have been everything from fantastic to downright terrible, but facing the tough times together has made us much closer.

Q: When did you know that your significant other was a “keeper”?

Adam: Timothy took me to dinner for my birthday right before we started dating. We were very close friends at that point. My previous boyfriends had virtually ignored that day when I was with them. Timothy went so far as to surprise me by taking me to my favorite restaurant and making it a fun night. It was very special for me.

Q: What’s your secret to keeping a long-term romance fresh?

Timothy: It’s difficult because we fall quickly into a groove in terms of restaurants we eat at, entertainment on a Saturday night, and day-to-day life. The main way we keep things fresh is by traveling. This pulls us out of our mundane routine the most.

Adam: It’s also important to have sex regularly to keep the intimacy alive.

Ouch...........!

You hear that buddy???????

Till then

Out and Online : Cracking the codeto gay profiles

When I first discovered online dating, I felt like I had won the lottery.

It’s a late blooming for me (since am just out from eleven years of relationships, and just landing (at that times) at strange land/city) which I has been neglecting for the past twenty five years. Meeting new peoples is hard, especially at my age, with different peoples around, different culture and with different kind of views toward life.

For forty eight years old gay man, who live in one of the trendy area in Kuala Lumpur, I found it hard to meet potential love interests by bumping into them at the supermarket or waiting in line at the Post Office, or staring each other at the café.

Online, there are tons of prospects—but the sheer quantity came with its own problems. How could I separate the guys I’d really like from those who weren’t my speed?

Sure, there were photos and write-ups explaining who they were and what they were

looking for, but I soon realized that these profiles didn’t always match the person once I met him face to face. Some guys would say they were looking for a long-term relationship when they were really out for no-strings-attached sex; others weren’t entirely out of the closet, which brought its own set of complications. These experiences made me wonder: Is there a way to check out someone’s profile and get to the truth of whether they’d be a great match?

To find the answer, I have to make some research by experiencing myself out there, been through few dates etc... I would like to shared some of my real life experience here and I hope it’ll work for anyone else in search of the right man among many.

A picture is worth a thousand words... Photos, of course, are an easy way to gauge how attracted you are to someone. But there are other messages you can glean from the kind of pics they post. Photos that are a little too good — he’s bare-chested, giving his most fetching glance at the camera, or wearing tight jeans that hint that he’s well-endowed — could indicate he’s out for some no-strings-attached fun rather than a relationship. Why? Because anyone who makes his sexuality his key selling point is probably more interested in what you have to offer in the bedroom versus out of it, says psychotherapist Joe Kort, author of the forthcoming book 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love. And while posting a few photos indicates a desire to give viewers a sense of who a guy is, posting a plethora (like more than 10) could mean he loves the way he looks a little too much and is as vain as a peacock.

...And having no pics says even more And what if a profile shows no photos at all or promises to email you one if you get in touch? It could mean he’s not out of the closet. “If someone doesn’t show photos or if he shows photos just of his body without his face, chances are he’s not comfortable with certain people knowing he’s gay,” says Kort. That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s ashamed of who he is; it might just mean that he’s worried that certain people in his life — relatives, coworkers — might react badly to the news. So before you initiate contact, make sure you’re fine using some discretion in your relationship.

Spot the scene queen... Certain gay guys live to party and dance all night at clubs. Want to know who they are so you can join them—or steer clear and find a more mellow relationship? Look for ads that mention “keeping up with me” or “no drama!” More often than not, they are drama, so be prepared for one really intense time with them. Another dead giveaway? Hip spellings of certain words like “boi” for boy. Encounter a string of slang like “Hot boi ISO a VGL str8 acting guy 4 LTR or NSA fun,” and you don’t need your decoder ring to tell that this guy is probably a veteran online dater (how else would he know all that lingo?) who’s most likely trolling for a good time. If that’s your thing, go for it—but if your idea of a great date is dinner and a movie, don’t expect this “boi” to jump on board. (Incidentally, the shorthand above translates as “Hot boy in search of a very good-looking straight-acting guy for long-term relationship or no-strings-attached fun.”)

Know if he’s just up for a one-night stand… When surfing profiles you’ll probably encounter the phrase “Fun and possible LTR” (LTR stands for long-term relationship). And while this might lead you to believe that this guy truly wants to settle down once he finds Mr. Right, don’t be fooled, says Kort: People who want “fun and possible LTR” are probably more into fun, less into the LTR. They merely want to avoid scaring away the more relationship-minded men who are attracted to their profile. Keep in mind, they may not be intentionally trying to deceive you, they may truly think they’re open to long-term commitment. But any emphasis on “fun” should be noted as a “caution ahead” signal by anyone whose priority is to settle down for the long haul.

…Or if he truly wants a relationship So how do you separate the guys who say they want a commitment from those who truly want one? For starters, there probably won’t be anything strongly sexual mentioned in their profile, says Kort. He may even go so far as to say “friends first, relationship later” to ward off the guys who are just looking for action. And since he’s probably not spending his days sleeping off last night’s outing, he’ll probably list lots of hobbies or activities he enjoys.

He also won’t give a laundry list of things he doesn’t want in a mate, like “no fats/fems” or “one-man gay pride parades need not apply.” This could indicate he’s burned out on dating, or that he’s just a negative person, or that he harbors a strict, fantasy-like image of who he wants to be with—three signs he’s probably not ready for the less-than-perfect reality of a relationship.

So, my friends, just be careful when you read those opening ‘hello’ in the profile, cos, it could lead to something that you not want to..

No harm to keep trying, but I guess, I’ve had enough with the game…

Till then

Eight reasons why I cheats

Sometimes, when the going gets tough, the tough get it on with someone else. But what really makes me (or most men) stray? I guess a nagging boyfriend? Bad sex? An escape from loneliness?

Yes, yes and yes. Hear why me slipped away from the boy that I date for few months and end up I landed in someone else's bed (most of the time, in my bed). Then — whether you’re the ONE or your boyfriend — use the info below to sidestep this kind of situation in your love life.

Reason number ONE : For payback
The boy I was dated for few months, cheated on me, after I saw on his cell phone that he had been text-messaging with some other men. They were pretty harmless and dirty messages, but it angered me that he had been communicating with stranger in that way, in the very first night — That night, I was out with friends and had a lot to drink. I got so worked up about those messages that I pretty much made it my mission to find another boy and hook up with him, which I did. I think it was a payback thing.

Reason number TWO: The physical attraction just isn't there
Ever since I can remember, I have always been attracted to taller men with large chests. My current boy was great in a lot of ways, but he was completely flat-chested, which did absolutely nothing to make me sexually attracted to him. I tried to look past it, but it was hard. About four months into our relationship, I was out with a bunch of friends at a sports bar, and our incredibly tall, hot and ample-chested barmaid was really hitting on me. He gave me his number and asked me if I wanted to meet him after his shift was over. I agreed, and ended up sleeping with him. It was just a one night thing, but it helped me realize I needed to end things with my date, because I had to be with someone I was madly attracted to.

Reason number THREE: He just isn't there
The next time I cheated on my boy is, when he was away spending his time with his parents at his home-town, so much that I hardly see him.. It was almost as if I didn't have a boyfriend. I got so lonely — especially on the weekend nights, and I missed that companionship, both physically and emotionally. When he was gone, I began seeing someone else while I was still technically seeing and dating him. I think, in my case, since we didn’t live together, it’s hard to keep the relationship stronger when he is not there (with me on most night). Especially, in the cold raining nights, or when you feel that you need to hug someone badly...

Reason number FOUR: He thinks he's missing out
I had dated him for almost eight months, He spent nearly every two days at my place and during the weekend, he hardly going out with me, So I'd go out with my friends either for happy hour, dinner or brunch and have a blast. After a few months of that drill, I knew staying true to him would be tough; going out in the city made me realize how many smart, gorgeous boy are out there, and never having been with anyone other than ‘A’ made me feel like I was missing out on a lot of fun. One night I hooked up with this cute boy, which finally made me realize I had to end things with ‘A’. I told him what happened, and, as it turned out, he didn’t really care about that.

Reason number FIVE: He's moved on emotionally
I met my boy on the char-room, of all places. When we started dating, I was in the middle of keeping myself fit with lapping at the pool almost every late afternoon. As the months went by, I took the program really seriously and quickly dropped weight. After I lost the weight, I felt this new sense of confidence — Boys who had never spoken to me before began approaching me, and it felt great. My boy, on the other hand, was depressed about being low self-esteem and was always jealous of other boy. One weekend when he was out of town, I met this gorgeous French boy (on holiday) at my local cafe and we slept together. I never told my boy, I've realized since then that I need to be with men who are on the same page as me about the things in my life that are important"

Reason number SIX: There's too much fighting
Since my boy and I didn’t live together, and we fought all the time. The constant tension made me miserable. In contrast to my boy, there was a boy at work who was easygoing, friendly and fun. One night we were both working late and ended up getting a drink together after we left. One thing led to another, and I ended up staying over at his place. As bad as this may sound, after that happened, I felt free.

Reason number SEVEN He needs a shot of self-esteem
Honestly. At first, I'm really shy, and have never felt very comfortable approaching men. I once had a boyfriend who was just as shy as me. Our relationship was fine — nothing too exciting — but I was resigned to the fact that it was my best option. I went to a conference for business, and during one of the dinners, a really attractive, sexy man at my table began hitting on me like mad. I was so shocked; nothing like that had ever happened to me before. It made my self-confidence skyrocket, and I felt on top of the world. He and I were together that night and a few other times during the conference. I never told my ex about what had happened, I just needed that push.

Reason number EIGHT: To fulfill a fantasy
The one time, I once cheated on my boy of six months when a sexy boy I had been pining over for quite some time came on to me. He had been with someone else for a long time, so I knew he was off-limits. I have to admit, I'd still probably do it again; it was like my fantasy finally came true. Strange thing we didn't last for long. Sometimes, the fantasy is better than the reality!

Till then, tell me about yours and we see how bad is the bad going..

TEN things that you never say to the men you love

Whether they admit it or not, a man's ego is a fragile thing. Here, boys dish the things they like to hear least.

1. I can't wait to see what you're doing for my birthday.

2. Are you ... crying?

3. If we leave right now, we'll have time to stop by Bed Bath & Beyond.

4. Do you need help lighting the grill?

5. I'm putting this whole conversation on my blog.

6. You had so much hair back then!

7. I don't care how big and drunk he is, he shouldn't be talking through the movie. I'm going to say something.

8. Actually, it doesn't happen to every guy.

9. We're vegetarians now.

10. My dad can fix that; you should call him.

Till then