So you think you can date?
You probably can, but it's more complicated than ever before.
A friend recently hit me up for dating advice: "How do you tell if someone is a real name-dropper or just nervous and trying to impress you?"
The innocent question threw me: is there a rule that distinguishes acceptable self-promotion from self-indulgent arrogance?
I'm sure there is. There are countless rules. Dating advice long ago gave way to dating laws, even if nobody is quite certain what they are.
They wear the mantle of scientific observation. "If he is available Tuesday, you are available Thursday."
"Take him where everyone knows your name." Always be yourself, but let us show you how.
But while we're inundated with dating do's and don'ts, people seem more confused than ever. The rise of "rules" appears to be one response to the unprecedented freedom and diversity of modern relationships: too much choice can leave us floundering for something solid to hang onto. And, of course, not everyone's rules are the same.
Is it OK to complain when your date is more interested in their BlackBerry than your conversation?
What if they unexpectedly bring a friend?
And the big question: are you even on a date, or are you just hanging out?
Sex and relationship columnist Maureen Matthews says that rules can be both help and hindrance in a budding romance.
You can have guidelines and things that alert you to common mistakes people make when they're infatuated, but when it gets to the point, really be open to the other person. Don't make it all about you.
"Some people go out there with this long list of things that they want but until you meet the person you're going to fall in love with, you don't actually know what you want."
Friend of mine, Todd's runs "single volunteers" events in Melbourne: singles get together to volunteer their time to a good cause (such as preparing food for the homeless) while meeting like-minded souls in a friendly environment.
"It's a pretty rough world out there when it comes to the whole dating thing," he says.
"Whether you play by the rules or not, there's certainly room for some more respect for others' feelings."
For example, he would like to see people actually having a conversation to let people down rather than leaving them hanging.
"I just found the whole dating scene to be pretty abhorrent, really. I set this up because I was looking for a boyfriend and just could not bring myself to try speed dating or any gay website, which felt like it would be one continuous job interview, or the online thing where you have no idea if there's chemistry or not. Or where somebody tells you they're 'athletic' and it turns out to be only from the head up."
Todd's events don't put the focus on being single. "It's about being someone wanting to make a difference, who happens to be single," he says.
The lack of pressure, along with a shared sense of social conscience, has paid off: a recent event drew 216 singles resulting in 106 matches (as well as 7000 meals and a further ton of prepped vegetables).
It can be hell out there. My single friend James has tried all kinds of dating, from set-ups via mutual friends to speed dating and dating websites. James has rules. Don't start with a formal dinner - coffee or a drink are quicker and therefore less potentially disastrous ways of getting to know someone. Don't spend the time fiddling with your phone: your date may assume you're updating friends on your progress, and they are there for one-on-one-time rather than a group analysis of their flaws.
And don't sleep with someone first time around. "I don't know a single person who has slept with someone on a first date and had a relationship out of it," James says.
But he also has rules about rules, which is encouraging. Because what might at first appear to be deal-breakers can sometimes be misleading.
First dates are always nervous encounters, and the desire to make the right impression can come out wrong.
"Some of the guys I've been on dates with have come across as really arrogant but actually they're just shy and are overcompensating. If you think someone has redeeming qualities, try to get beyond that first date. What I'm saying is make allowances. I've had some terrible first dates."
The protocols of courtship common a century ago appear very formal today. Take calling cards: any eligible Victorian-era gent wishing to impress himself upon a belle would have an ample supply of these pocket-sized expressions of intent.
He'd drop one by the home of his desired, and if his family deemed him worth a follow-up he'd perhaps be granted an audience with Mother or Father in the sitting room. First dates were with parents, not the object of affection - for much of human history, relationships has been a social arrangement more than a personal one.
Think of the ways people get to know each other these days - texting, social networking sites, checking references from mutual friends. Once it could take weeks of awkward small-talk to suss out someone's likes and dislikes. Now we have a wealth of new media to do the work for us.
These technologies set new rules of engagement we may not even be aware of. Imagine this: a website that drags together all your online personal data, from Facebook to gay website updates to movie-viewing and music-listening preferences. It already exists on line. Suitors can research your personal preferences and daily activities without exchanging a single word.
It sounds a little like stalking. But perhaps it's just a way of handing the old matchmaking role to the latest technology.
It's not just the early adapters looking for love online. The fastest-growing demographic for Australia's most popular dating sites is the over-50s crowd who might not feel as comfortable in pubs and clubs.
Online dating culture doesn't come without risks. Only last week an Australian online dating service was accused of creating fake profiles and using them to "flirt" with paying members. And in Kuala Lumpur, most peoples just want to have a sex and not even want toknow your last name or even remembering you phone number..... It's kind of sad sometimes.
This isn't an isolated case: I've been told that many singles web services at least initially begin by creating false accounts. After all, nobody wants to be the first to arrive at the party.
Technology is moving in on our love lives in ways we may not even realise. A site such as Facebook gay website (to name a few) may not be as romance-focused as rsvp.com.au but as a ubiquitous tool of modern communication, its particular form affects how we exchange howdies with future lovers.
Then there are the rules imposed on us by others. In some cases these are cultural - the expectations of family or community. Todd is Jewish, and the relatively small population in Melbourne has coloured his dating experiences.
"It's hard when you're in a particular ethnic minority or religious denomination. You've got this pressure of 'my cousin probably knows your brother and your driver and your dog breeder' and that makes people even more ill at ease."
A close community can bring on dating horror stories.
"I went on a date with a guy that was an absolute arsehole to me. Really nasty and kept telling me to shut up the whole way through the date. I found out much later that in between asking me out and us going out, he'd actually met someone else. I found out two months ago that it's my cousin and that they're in early stage of their relationships. That's what dating in the Jewish community is like!"
External pressures can be even subtler than this. Often our choices about the right partner are influenced by our friends, but Matthews cautions against putting too much stock in post-date debriefing sessions.
Listening to your buddies really does need to be taken with a pinch of salt. I doubt whether everybody's friends are all really perceptive social counsellors.
"I've known couples who look on the surface to be quite inappropriate, and they've been extremely long-lasting. Nobody from the outside can know what is going on in a relationship."
"It's such a dating culture over there that all you need to do to meet people is dress nice and go to a bar. The initial thing of meeting people and exchanging details is very easy. People are very open to it."
It wasn't merely the dating culture that stood out. The rules are significantly different.
"You can date as many people as you want at the same time without any obligation," I says.
"And it's weirder to not be dating than to be dating. If you're single and you're not seeing anyone, it's strange. Even if you don't necessarily like these people, to not be going out on dates is weird."
In Kuala Lumpur, approaching someone at a bar and swapping digits doesn't have the stigma that openly hitting on someone might here. According to Dean, you'll seem more suspicious if you're not open about your interest and try to play it overly cool.
"Australia has a dating culture of introductions, and unlike Kuala Lumpur" I says.
"It's almost like a 19th-century thing." One more tick for my thesis. "It's almost impolite to meet someone on your own; you're introduced to them."
Friends of friends, that kind of stuff. People generally come with a reference.
Could it be time to ditch the notion of dating and embrace the confused, techno-mediated landscape of Australian relationships, where rules apply only when you want them to? It's not likely to happen. We'll always have standards and preferences and develop rules to fit them.
What kind of rules of thumb does Matthews suggest?
The most attractive thing is if somebody is interested in you and actually listening. There's nothing worse than when the first date is like a job interview where the person is laying down everything they've got and achieved and been.
"And be loveable! So often we're going 'what's he or she got to offer me?' What have you got to offer them? Be affectionate and warm and genuine and see whether you both genuinely feel something for each other."
Till then, hope you had a great 'date' and please take note about those rule.... and tell me who's rule those rules......
ENJOY...
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