The memories flash before me in a heartbeat. My feeling, my action – other’s action: as they were or as I wish they were everything that happened skips through my thought in a moments.
A kaleidoscope of instant in time whirl before me: images of a wrong guy and glass walls, of refugees and rubber band engines, of headless snakes and dances with devils of Melbourne sex tours: and with him……… Always with him…….. on mine, the montage in my mind seems to linger…
I try to snake it off, I get up make my way to window. The memories blur into introspections of fate. Was there anything else we could have done – I could have done? Was there – is there – a moment of truth, or lie, a cusp, a crossroads, upon which all depended?
Even now, I am torn between wanting a reason and wanting none. Was it fate, or fellow man, that conspired against me? Was I always destined to fail or was I simply beaten by better vision? Perhaps what happened was deliberately designed to shape my character, to prepare myself for new challenges, or maybe it was just to discourage me from such folly in the future?
More than anything, I want to know, just want to know, that is was all beyond my control. I stare at the stars and remember. But my memory is biased and distorted – I do not deny it – a hallucination of truth and lies shaped by the chemical magic of desire, bitterness, pride and pure imagination. I remember events as I want to remember them, as a blended dream of how I saw them or see them now, as I believe or like to believe them. I didn’t even have to be there: for such moments, my mind forgets who I am and presumes the memories of others – my father, my brother, Scott, Angus, and anyone at all involved – interpolating time and circumstance, replacing gaps with hearsay, logic and self-deceit. The memories flash before me in a heartbeat.
A kaleidoscope of instant in time whirl before me: images of a wrong guy and glass walls, of refugees and rubber band engines, of headless snakes and dances with devils of Melbourne sex tours: and with him……… Always with him…….. on mine, the montage in my mind seems to linger…
I try to snake it off, I get up make my way to window. The memories blur into introspections of fate. Was there anything else we could have done – I could have done? Was there – is there – a moment of truth, or lie, a cusp, a crossroads, upon which all depended?
Even now, I am torn between wanting a reason and wanting none. Was it fate, or fellow man, that conspired against me? Was I always destined to fail or was I simply beaten by better vision? Perhaps what happened was deliberately designed to shape my character, to prepare myself for new challenges, or maybe it was just to discourage me from such folly in the future?
More than anything, I want to know, just want to know, that is was all beyond my control. I stare at the stars and remember. But my memory is biased and distorted – I do not deny it – a hallucination of truth and lies shaped by the chemical magic of desire, bitterness, pride and pure imagination. I remember events as I want to remember them, as a blended dream of how I saw them or see them now, as I believe or like to believe them. I didn’t even have to be there: for such moments, my mind forgets who I am and presumes the memories of others – my father, my brother, Scott, Angus, and anyone at all involved – interpolating time and circumstance, replacing gaps with hearsay, logic and self-deceit. The memories flash before me in a heartbeat.
I blink and see peoples, places, destiny and tragedy – they all return to me in away that twists and shrinks time to my mind’s own design. For though nothing can change what happened, neither can history influence how I remember it. Remember them..............
And till then, all will begin from here, but not now, not right now... perhaps maybe tonight or tomorrow..........
No comments:
Post a Comment