Monday Blues.......

I couldn't sleep. As I lay on top of this crisp, cold white sheets of this king-size bed, my mind raced faster than a horse at the race course. My body felt numb, tension knotted my stomach, and knowing I only had a fifteen sleeps to ge before I going home....

I felt an extraordinary mix of anger, anxiety, and envy. I was angry that I had fallen in love with someone that I not even knew, anxiety that I have not other choice but to leave him cos I not even know him yet!!!. I felt envy at my brother and my sister, who didn't have to suffer such betrayal.

After more then decade's of absence, those "I wish I wasn't gay." feeling had returned. And my heart plummeted when I felt that because I was a gay, love always be a temporary things. For the first times in decade's I felt very lonely, sad and very alone in this cruel world.....

I felt even more sadness because I was alone with grief for my late father, my late mother and missed them so badly. During times like this I hated being alone and missed Angus more then ever. Angus's would have understand and made me laugh about it. I could hear Angus saying something like : "Chirl, men aren't good for nothing, but slanging dick and some of them, can't even do that right! Move on....."

But now there was no one I felt I could tell. There was no one to understand my pain. I wanted to tell Angus, but wonder how he would feel especially after I ended our long years of our beautiful relationships

Then I felt a twinge of guilt. Maybe I had done something to deserve an unfaithful lover..

I try to think of someone I had mistreated. For a few minutes I couldn't think of anyone.....

Then William Jones's come into focus, his image was strong and vivid, like he was standing in the room, staring at me with a lustful gaze. But I hadn't mistreated William, sure. I had treated him with a certain in different, but, I hadn't been mean. I rationalized that my treatment of William was to protect myself.

I was so proud to myself for not falling in love with William. During my brief affair with him, I knew that when he set his mind on someone, he was dangerous to any relationship. Especially, I just thinking of coming back to Malaysia and just end my 11 years relationship with Angus. During the times like that, what I want is to chill out myself and being alone in some Islands.........

Well, it was just my silly thought on my thinking and try to pack my stuffs, and what my plan is, when am arrive Kuala Lumpur.....

Till then, have a lovely nite and sleep well....