Out and Online : Cracking the codeto gay profiles

When I first discovered online dating, I felt like I had won the lottery.

It’s a late blooming for me (since am just out from eleven years of relationships, and just landing (at that times) at strange land/city) which I has been neglecting for the past twenty five years. Meeting new peoples is hard, especially at my age, with different peoples around, different culture and with different kind of views toward life.

For forty eight years old gay man, who live in one of the trendy area in Kuala Lumpur, I found it hard to meet potential love interests by bumping into them at the supermarket or waiting in line at the Post Office, or staring each other at the café.

Online, there are tons of prospects—but the sheer quantity came with its own problems. How could I separate the guys I’d really like from those who weren’t my speed?

Sure, there were photos and write-ups explaining who they were and what they were

looking for, but I soon realized that these profiles didn’t always match the person once I met him face to face. Some guys would say they were looking for a long-term relationship when they were really out for no-strings-attached sex; others weren’t entirely out of the closet, which brought its own set of complications. These experiences made me wonder: Is there a way to check out someone’s profile and get to the truth of whether they’d be a great match?

To find the answer, I have to make some research by experiencing myself out there, been through few dates etc... I would like to shared some of my real life experience here and I hope it’ll work for anyone else in search of the right man among many.

A picture is worth a thousand words... Photos, of course, are an easy way to gauge how attracted you are to someone. But there are other messages you can glean from the kind of pics they post. Photos that are a little too good — he’s bare-chested, giving his most fetching glance at the camera, or wearing tight jeans that hint that he’s well-endowed — could indicate he’s out for some no-strings-attached fun rather than a relationship. Why? Because anyone who makes his sexuality his key selling point is probably more interested in what you have to offer in the bedroom versus out of it, says psychotherapist Joe Kort, author of the forthcoming book 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love. And while posting a few photos indicates a desire to give viewers a sense of who a guy is, posting a plethora (like more than 10) could mean he loves the way he looks a little too much and is as vain as a peacock.

...And having no pics says even more And what if a profile shows no photos at all or promises to email you one if you get in touch? It could mean he’s not out of the closet. “If someone doesn’t show photos or if he shows photos just of his body without his face, chances are he’s not comfortable with certain people knowing he’s gay,” says Kort. That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s ashamed of who he is; it might just mean that he’s worried that certain people in his life — relatives, coworkers — might react badly to the news. So before you initiate contact, make sure you’re fine using some discretion in your relationship.

Spot the scene queen... Certain gay guys live to party and dance all night at clubs. Want to know who they are so you can join them—or steer clear and find a more mellow relationship? Look for ads that mention “keeping up with me” or “no drama!” More often than not, they are drama, so be prepared for one really intense time with them. Another dead giveaway? Hip spellings of certain words like “boi” for boy. Encounter a string of slang like “Hot boi ISO a VGL str8 acting guy 4 LTR or NSA fun,” and you don’t need your decoder ring to tell that this guy is probably a veteran online dater (how else would he know all that lingo?) who’s most likely trolling for a good time. If that’s your thing, go for it—but if your idea of a great date is dinner and a movie, don’t expect this “boi” to jump on board. (Incidentally, the shorthand above translates as “Hot boy in search of a very good-looking straight-acting guy for long-term relationship or no-strings-attached fun.”)

Know if he’s just up for a one-night stand… When surfing profiles you’ll probably encounter the phrase “Fun and possible LTR” (LTR stands for long-term relationship). And while this might lead you to believe that this guy truly wants to settle down once he finds Mr. Right, don’t be fooled, says Kort: People who want “fun and possible LTR” are probably more into fun, less into the LTR. They merely want to avoid scaring away the more relationship-minded men who are attracted to their profile. Keep in mind, they may not be intentionally trying to deceive you, they may truly think they’re open to long-term commitment. But any emphasis on “fun” should be noted as a “caution ahead” signal by anyone whose priority is to settle down for the long haul.

…Or if he truly wants a relationship So how do you separate the guys who say they want a commitment from those who truly want one? For starters, there probably won’t be anything strongly sexual mentioned in their profile, says Kort. He may even go so far as to say “friends first, relationship later” to ward off the guys who are just looking for action. And since he’s probably not spending his days sleeping off last night’s outing, he’ll probably list lots of hobbies or activities he enjoys.

He also won’t give a laundry list of things he doesn’t want in a mate, like “no fats/fems” or “one-man gay pride parades need not apply.” This could indicate he’s burned out on dating, or that he’s just a negative person, or that he harbors a strict, fantasy-like image of who he wants to be with—three signs he’s probably not ready for the less-than-perfect reality of a relationship.

So, my friends, just be careful when you read those opening ‘hello’ in the profile, cos, it could lead to something that you not want to..

No harm to keep trying, but I guess, I’ve had enough with the game…

Till then

Eight reasons why I cheats

Sometimes, when the going gets tough, the tough get it on with someone else. But what really makes me (or most men) stray? I guess a nagging boyfriend? Bad sex? An escape from loneliness?

Yes, yes and yes. Hear why me slipped away from the boy that I date for few months and end up I landed in someone else's bed (most of the time, in my bed). Then — whether you’re the ONE or your boyfriend — use the info below to sidestep this kind of situation in your love life.

Reason number ONE : For payback
The boy I was dated for few months, cheated on me, after I saw on his cell phone that he had been text-messaging with some other men. They were pretty harmless and dirty messages, but it angered me that he had been communicating with stranger in that way, in the very first night — That night, I was out with friends and had a lot to drink. I got so worked up about those messages that I pretty much made it my mission to find another boy and hook up with him, which I did. I think it was a payback thing.

Reason number TWO: The physical attraction just isn't there
Ever since I can remember, I have always been attracted to taller men with large chests. My current boy was great in a lot of ways, but he was completely flat-chested, which did absolutely nothing to make me sexually attracted to him. I tried to look past it, but it was hard. About four months into our relationship, I was out with a bunch of friends at a sports bar, and our incredibly tall, hot and ample-chested barmaid was really hitting on me. He gave me his number and asked me if I wanted to meet him after his shift was over. I agreed, and ended up sleeping with him. It was just a one night thing, but it helped me realize I needed to end things with my date, because I had to be with someone I was madly attracted to.

Reason number THREE: He just isn't there
The next time I cheated on my boy is, when he was away spending his time with his parents at his home-town, so much that I hardly see him.. It was almost as if I didn't have a boyfriend. I got so lonely — especially on the weekend nights, and I missed that companionship, both physically and emotionally. When he was gone, I began seeing someone else while I was still technically seeing and dating him. I think, in my case, since we didn’t live together, it’s hard to keep the relationship stronger when he is not there (with me on most night). Especially, in the cold raining nights, or when you feel that you need to hug someone badly...

Reason number FOUR: He thinks he's missing out
I had dated him for almost eight months, He spent nearly every two days at my place and during the weekend, he hardly going out with me, So I'd go out with my friends either for happy hour, dinner or brunch and have a blast. After a few months of that drill, I knew staying true to him would be tough; going out in the city made me realize how many smart, gorgeous boy are out there, and never having been with anyone other than ‘A’ made me feel like I was missing out on a lot of fun. One night I hooked up with this cute boy, which finally made me realize I had to end things with ‘A’. I told him what happened, and, as it turned out, he didn’t really care about that.

Reason number FIVE: He's moved on emotionally
I met my boy on the char-room, of all places. When we started dating, I was in the middle of keeping myself fit with lapping at the pool almost every late afternoon. As the months went by, I took the program really seriously and quickly dropped weight. After I lost the weight, I felt this new sense of confidence — Boys who had never spoken to me before began approaching me, and it felt great. My boy, on the other hand, was depressed about being low self-esteem and was always jealous of other boy. One weekend when he was out of town, I met this gorgeous French boy (on holiday) at my local cafe and we slept together. I never told my boy, I've realized since then that I need to be with men who are on the same page as me about the things in my life that are important"

Reason number SIX: There's too much fighting
Since my boy and I didn’t live together, and we fought all the time. The constant tension made me miserable. In contrast to my boy, there was a boy at work who was easygoing, friendly and fun. One night we were both working late and ended up getting a drink together after we left. One thing led to another, and I ended up staying over at his place. As bad as this may sound, after that happened, I felt free.

Reason number SEVEN He needs a shot of self-esteem
Honestly. At first, I'm really shy, and have never felt very comfortable approaching men. I once had a boyfriend who was just as shy as me. Our relationship was fine — nothing too exciting — but I was resigned to the fact that it was my best option. I went to a conference for business, and during one of the dinners, a really attractive, sexy man at my table began hitting on me like mad. I was so shocked; nothing like that had ever happened to me before. It made my self-confidence skyrocket, and I felt on top of the world. He and I were together that night and a few other times during the conference. I never told my ex about what had happened, I just needed that push.

Reason number EIGHT: To fulfill a fantasy
The one time, I once cheated on my boy of six months when a sexy boy I had been pining over for quite some time came on to me. He had been with someone else for a long time, so I knew he was off-limits. I have to admit, I'd still probably do it again; it was like my fantasy finally came true. Strange thing we didn't last for long. Sometimes, the fantasy is better than the reality!

Till then, tell me about yours and we see how bad is the bad going..

TEN things that you never say to the men you love

Whether they admit it or not, a man's ego is a fragile thing. Here, boys dish the things they like to hear least.

1. I can't wait to see what you're doing for my birthday.

2. Are you ... crying?

3. If we leave right now, we'll have time to stop by Bed Bath & Beyond.

4. Do you need help lighting the grill?

5. I'm putting this whole conversation on my blog.

6. You had so much hair back then!

7. I don't care how big and drunk he is, he shouldn't be talking through the movie. I'm going to say something.

8. Actually, it doesn't happen to every guy.

9. We're vegetarians now.

10. My dad can fix that; you should call him.

Till then

Sharing a BED with a friend need not be an awkward experience

It’s nearly the weekend. Chances are you have some partying planned. Potentially, you could wind up in someone else’s bed.

But what if that bed is not a lover’s, but a friend’s? What if you’re about to commit that fresh new sin of buddy bunking?

It’s not uncommon for some friends of mine to share beds with members of their either same sex nor opposite sex: No matter they're straight, gay or whatever lebal that you like to put it in: young hip types with flash inner city apartments spend money on stuff not space, therefore guest rooms are rare and mattress sharing suits as a preferable alternative to transport under whatever influence. This kind of companionable cradle sharing is not limited to occasions of necessity either, with some of my known associates known to enjoy a nice snuggle once in a while.

I mean, doesn’t everyone need a hug sometimes? A recent study showed men, in particular, would rather a good nuzzle into the arms of their mates rather than ladies… interesting. And I agreed...

And so, today’s question:

Can you be friends and share a bed and have it be ‘OK’?

And:

Can you be friends, and share a bed, and have it be OK, even if one or both parties is in a romantic partnership with someone else?

Some people will bed hop in what contemporary shag-loving society may consider being the conventional sense. That is to say, sleep with a mate in more ways than one. And there’s nothing particularly wrong with this, so long as the pillow talk doesn’t leave anyone feeling confused about the future.

Yet I find it interesting that more eyebrows will be raised should a pair of people who protest they’re really ‘just friends’ sleep together, and actually sleep.

It wasn’t always thus.

Not long ago, the BBC had a great series on the evolution of houses, the rooms within and how people used them was brought to life by a lisping academic with short blonde hair and a penchant for naff phrasing.

“In medieval times, your main concerns were to be warm and safe, so it was delightful to be in with other people,” Lucy Worsley, curator of Historic Royal Palaces, told us. “Since then we've seen a trend toward privacy, which started with the rise of reading.”

So, bedrooms weren’t the bastion of privacy, or private business, then that they are today. It would have been common, and very socially acceptable, for people to buddy bunk without a breath of scandal.

But today … today, not so much. Or so it seems.

Is it because we’ve become so used to seeing sex everywhere we look that we can hardly believe when sex is absent? Have we lost sight of the fact that people from the same sides and the opposite sides could once play together without breaking the boundaries of nonsexual friendship? Or, is it simply that old acorn about gay men, straight men never really being able to just be friends sprouting another bloom of conjecture about human nature?

Personally, I’ve buddy bunked before. And it’s been on strict buddy to buddy terms. No hanky-panky, no lulls in conversation with unsaid, unrequited love things, for my part, anyway.

How about you?

Till then

SEX on the first date - To do it or not to do it....?

‘The only time I slept with someone on the first date, I end up live with him for the next 3 years.’ Jones told me while ago in Melbourne.

While there are indeed some first-date sexual encounters that actually work out in the end, the ultimate question remains: to do it or not to do it?

According to a bunch of Melbourne based gay men, some of my single colleagues and many of those hailing from younger generations, the answer is a resounding ‘no’.

Yep, surprisingly, sex – or at least the casual encounter - is no longer on the cards.

I remember Jones told me that, while sex can be ‘discombobulating and distracting’, and while it can make one ‘immune to money, politics and moral’, sometimes it's all so complicated the younger generation are seemingly wanting to give it up altogether.

He mention during our happy hour at the pub ‘Generalising about cultural trends is tricky, but everywhere there are signs that sex has lost its frisson of freedom. Is sex less piquant when it is not forbidden? Sex itself may not be dead, but it seems sexual passion is on life support.’

And he's not the only one who thinks so.

Evidence of this is the fact that a bunch of once promiscuous gay men in Kuala Lumpur have declared they are going on a permanent no-casual-sex diet. One of these men is Karl, who told me that, after having sex with a stranger he met in the Bar, he woke up to find him naked and saying: ‘What's your name?’

Charming.

Unfortunately, there's no telling how it's going to end before the deed is done. Because, in the heat of the moment, it never, ever seems like a bad idea. Because, when the chemistry is palpable and there's more heat between the two of you than in a sauna, what's to stop you?

So to do it or not to do it? Can you predict the outcome of getting hot and sweaty and naked with someone else?

Everyone seems to have a different view of it. A friend who’s in the long term relationships, Luke, says: ‘When I met Jacob, all my rules flew out the window. I slept with him on the first date. We've been together for four years now.’

Newly in relationship’s Tory says: ‘I made him wait for six months. Best decision ever. We are so happy together. We've been together for seven months. Oh yeah, we haven't had sex in a while, but that's OK. I'm sure things will get better once he move in with me.’

Henry wrote to me in an email: "The boy dictates when you're going to have sex. For sure. You know when he wants to have it. So you just wait until you get the signals.

He waited for four months.

Does it really matter in the scheme of things how long a gay man makes the boy to wait?

At the dinner table the other night, I was surprised to hear a range of opinions.

'I made him wait for a month,' Daniel declared.

'We waited a month? No way it was that long,' his boyfriend Mark retorted.

Daniel, distraught at having to hold out and then not to have it even acknowledged, was shocked.

'Yes we did! I made you to wait, remember?'

Mark had no such recollection.

Liz (the only girl on the table), on the other hand, told the table that her boyfriend had made her wait for six weeks. ‘The minute we kissed, he was my boyfriend. We didn't need to sleep together to make it official.’

Is that why she likes him more than Mark likes Daniel? I doubt the sexual timing has anything to do with it.

While this conversation left me more confused than ever, perhaps it's as Peter, a friend of mine said on the subject of having sex on the first date: ‘It all depends how good you think he'll be’ ...

When they asking me: 'What do I think?'

To me, this makes it look as if gay men are using sex to manipulate the other gay men and get what they want.

Actually, that would be pretty close to the truth.

Stop over-thinking and over-analysing sex and enjoy it. That's what it's meant to be. It's not a tool to ensnare men or a carrot to dangle to keep him around as he patiently salivates. If you're worth hanging around he'll stay. If not, it won't matter when or if you have sex with him as he'll leave as soon as the cost outweighs the benefit or a smarter man gives him what he wants.

Being precious about sex just exposes many underlying insecurities and that is very unattractive and a big warning sign.

As for me, seriously? Just enjoy it, especially when you realised that both of you were on fire....

And my friend, what do you think?

Till then, catch you here pretty soon.

Supply Vs Demand

When my smart, spunky, successful friend Sean arrived in Kuala Lumpur from Auckland in the hope of nabbing himself an eligible Malaysian bloke, he was flabbergasted by what he discovered: a bunch of game-playing, Playboy types who come on strongly and then swiftly move on to the next without so much as a kiss in the morning or a goodbye text.

"What's going on?" he asked me, perplexed.

"They're spoilt for choice," I told him. "They don't need to pick one when there are so many gorgeous boys everywhere you look."

When The Sunday Star recently came out declaring that relationships are more about an economic transaction than a chance romantic interlude between two unsuspecting individuals, I was intrigued. Especially when I got to the part where the writer, Robert H. Frank, an economics professor at Cornell University, likened the current state of relationships to the financial market: one that is dictated by supply and demand.

"Economics teaches us that when there is excess demand for a good, its price rises," he writes. "According to this model, excess demand for partner should have caused the terms of courtship to shift in favour of men."

Which reminded me exactly of the dating game Down Under. It often seems that there is indeed an "excess demand for boys", and unfortunately the boys are having a field day sexually.

Says my banker friend Lloyd: "When supply exceeds demand, either supply will fall (there'll be fewer white) or the price will fall, and therefore boys will have lower standards or will be willing to accept inferior substitutes."

Like anything, if there is a surplus of hot, eligible, sexy, young men for the small number of eligible gay men, then it's no wonder we're in a no-commitment, game-playing generation.

The solution?

"Do not date any guy in their 30s," two men in their 40s recently warned me. "They have so much choice available to them, there is no way in hell they're going to settle down. You need to either go for a man much older than you, or stay single. Don't even try."

"He told me that he likes getting 80 clicks a day. It's just a big boost to his ego and shows him he's still got it. For that reason he'll probably never settle down, even though he pretends to want to."

And why should he? Simple supply and demand.

After a few weeks in Kuala Lumpur, Sean vehemently concurred with my hypothesis.

The competition is fierce. Hence the boys are becoming more desperate, will cling to anything with a stable job and a credit card, and boy, do the men know it.

When I did a quick poll of the gay men for my blog, I was swiftly given a startling reality check: Gay men expect sex quickly, and the boy feel that if they don't give it up just as fast, they'll lose out on nabbing the last available man in the country.

But when I interviewed one 33-year-old man I'll call Jim, I discovered that there are some men who are equally sour about their situation.

"I meet boys and they immediately want to take me home," he told me. "Suddenly, though, they don't want to do anything. And then I don't hear from him again."

The problem, he reckons, is that there are "too many assholes and not enough nice guys", and therefore these bad eggs are ruining it for the rest of the gay men species.

"Communication doesn't exist. Everything is done via text and everything can be misinterpreted. Gay boys don't text back for hours, or sometimes days. And when I text back regularly or too often, it's like I'm not playing by the rules or something. Everything is a game. How will any real relationship come out of that?"

He has a point. I often get berated by my well-meaning (boys) friends for texting or calling a guy.

"What are you doing? You should never contact them first!" they lament. "They need to be the ones chasing!"

I must be out of the loop, or loopy, or just honest and clear about my intentions. But apparently that's a no-no.

One long-time singleton James told me that when he was recently in London, the men treated him entirely differently. And he liked it.

"Men actually picked up the phone. They texted to say they wanted to see me again; called to say they had fun on the date, took me for picnics and tours of the city and still didn't try to kiss me by the third date. And when I texted or called them, they actually became more keen. It was refreshing."

So does that mean there is a low supply of hot-to-trot British gay men?

"That's right," says my Aussie mate Cameron who is living here. "That's why I flew back to Sydney to recruit one and bring him back with me."

They're now living together in Kuala Lumpur, have been together for over a year and both of them are blissfully happy they no longer have to play texting games ...

From my own experience when I just arrived Auckland in 1999 from Melbourne - the difference there is remarkable. Guys ask me out, want to pay for dates, open car doors... It really is quite amazing. The guy I am seeing at that time didn't even try to kiss me until our third date and this seems quite common... While I love it and it is refreshing it is also very confusing at time for a Melbourne boy like me... (at that time)

Till then

Is there such a thing as 'too much sex'.....?

They have ticked the attraction box, the personality box, and sharing of similar interests but what happens if they don’t pass the ‘same sex drive’ box? Finding someone that ticks all the boxes is hard enough, so can a relationship work when one person has a libido set to maximum threshold yet the other’s is at the bottom of the scale?

After a boys’ night out this week, I’m beginning to think boys just want to have fun and unfortunately some boy are failing to keep up. It’s the usual story, when a relationship kicks off the guy can’t get enough but once into the grove the pattern starts to take a turn. That is, the daily routine starts to become weekly, and God forbid, monthly.

I admit to breaking up with someone because our libidos didn’t quite lead to as many 'O’s' as I had wished for. My relationship with this particular ex started off perfectly. He ticked all the boxes and our attraction was so strong we simply couldn’t tear ourselves apart. However, as time progressed so did my concerns with the lack of nocturnal activity.

Six months into our relationship and sick of having my advances ignored, I voiced my concerns that perhaps we weren’t so perfect after all. In full fledge defence mode, he argued that there is such a thing as ‘too much sex’ and that nightly sex is not ‘normal’. All I could say was, ‘well my normal is obviously not your normal!’ And that was it, six months wasted but at least I learned the importance of addressing issues as they arise.

Now although some people simply have a different point of view on how often is ‘normal’, others simply have external forces making them regularly not up for the occasion. Yes, this is all those men out there with physically demanding jobs. Perhaps being literally too exhausted and physically incapable are legitimate reasons to be excused. So how does one satisfy their needs in such a situation?

A friend of mine faced with this precise dilemma recently deployed the ‘am’ trick as a last effort to save their relationship. He began to set his alarm ten minutes earlier each day ready to pounce as his man awoke, refreshed and ready for a little pre-work activity. They are now the happiest they have been in a long while.

On the flipside there are some relationships where tricks can't help but rather a little reminder and motivation will do wonders. I’m talking about those couples out there, who after years in the one relationship, simply forget how wonderful sex is. While the sudden urge to run to the bedroom at the drop of a hat may have gone, it's certain that once there you'll be back to pure bliss.

Luckily for me, at this point in time I’m in a happy state of equilibrium. Should things change, rest assured I’ll speak my mind!

Till then, I guess, at my age now. I am pretty much getting what I want....

And ENJOYED every moments.