How to get over him and get on with your life....

So you've parted ways with the men in your life.

What now?

If you've been going out with someone for more than just a few months, breaking up can be tough. If you've been with someone for more than a year or two, it can be one of the most painful experiences any man can go through.

But there are ways to make it easier and come out of the other end a better, wiser man - breaking up, without breaking down.

Here is few steps to help you get over the break-up blues, how to get over him and get on (not a hard on)

Put down the phone - Is it really over? Maybe he's testing you? Maybe you're testing him? Maybe this is the 10th time you've 'broken up' in as many months?

Only you know if this really is the end, but if it is, take your fingers off the keypad.

"You need to talk about it," says my good friend, "But not to him. Repeat, not to HIM."

Talk to your girlfriends - not like that. At least, not yet. "Instead of spending hours crafting the perfect 'casual, yet meaningful...' text message to your ex, spend the time talking it out with your friends instead," says my friend. "Female friends are perfect, as they'll be sympathetic and supportive and will encourage you to get everything emotional out in the open."

That's a good thing, apparently.


Clean him out - don't mean financially. We mean, clean him out of your life, or if that's impossible, at least get rid of reminders of him from your home. It will be painful, and there'll always be the temptation to stare mournfully at old photos wondering about what might have been. But it's for the best, because from now on it's your space again.

"If the whole place reminds you of him, move some furniture around, redecorate, or make small changes like covering the sofa in a new throw," says my friend again. "Ask your female friends what a 'throw' is,' he adds, unhelpfully.

This won't just stop you being surrounded by memories. Apparently, novelty helps boost your brain's dopamine stores, which will lift your mood.


Work him out - aking up is not just one long dark night of the soul, even if sometimes it feels like it. There are opportunities for self-improvement too, and one of them is to get fit, which will make you feel better about yourself, your body and life in general.

In fact, a good idea is to hit the gym or swim on those occasions when you used to see him, which can be the most maudlin times of all.

"Channel your misery into physical activity - running, cross-training, rowing, swimming... anything where you can challenge yourself," says my friend. "It will release naturally anti-depressant endorphins, distract your mind from repetitive ex-thoughts, and put you in an environment filled with fit, attractive men."

This last point is important. You might not feel like dating right now, but seeing those hard-bodied mans will at least make you realise that - wonderful though he was... is.... whatever - he isn't the only men in the world.

Do new stuff - Try to play a game, learn to cook, join the work squash league, start collecting model trains...anything. Apparently, we can only hold seven thoughts at one time. If you fill your brain up with other stuff, you'll slowly squeeze out thoughts of your ex.

And of course during one or two of those activities you might meet other men... not that you're interested in any of that. Yet.

Get ahead - (not a head job) One way to squeeze thoughts of him out of your head is to ask for new tasks at work, which has the added bonus of making you look conscientious and hard working and putting you in line for a promotion. Throwing yourself into work, like hitting the gym, is one way to get positives out of what at first looks like a wholly negative event.

"Not only will new challenges break up your daily routine, but it will be a positive distraction," says my friend. "It doesn't matter if it's driven by wanting to impress your ex at the start - 'If I get a brilliant new job, he'll want me back' - this will be short lived.

"As time passes, you'll enjoy the new challenge for itself and success at work will boost your self-esteem."

Take an evening class - Take an evening class to boost your career skills, or a weekend course to learn a new language. Again, it's a good idea to schedule this kind of stuff for the times you used to see him, to emphasise the psychological boost of squeezing positive benefits from a bad situation.


Do things he hates - No, not ringing him repeatedly at four in the morning and threatening him goldfish - these things will get you a court order.

Instead, do all the stuff that you really like doing but he hate, just to prove that life without him won't be all bad. For example, if he loved beach holidays, book a city break with a mate. That way you won't be tempted to spend the whole time wondering what you'd be doing if he was with you.

In the same vein, watch favourite films you know he didn't like, go to old man pubs rather than the swanky bars he preferred, and wear the sun-glasses you love but he turned her nose up at.

Talk to boys - In fact, talk to The Boys. Once you're over the initial shock of the break-up, your male friends become an invaluable resource for fun and forgetting (not so much straight away, when female friends may be more useful - see above).

"Later on, your male mates will come into their own, teasing you to cheer you up and taking you back out on the town," says friend of mine.

And by confiding in them, bantering with them and being out with them, you reinforce the bonds of your friendship. Even blokes can get a bit distracted in a heavy relationship. Another positive of your break-up may be the opportunity to reconnect with the friends who will be with you as boyfriends come and go.

Slowly but surely, get back in the game...

Only you'll know when it's the right time to date again, and there's nothing wrong in taking it very slowly indeed. As long as you're honest and up front, it's OK to look for no-strings arrangements, too.

"It's alright to take things slow for a while and allow a bit of time to regain your confidence. Online dating can be a great way of doing this as it gives you the chance to connect with new people even when you're perhaps not quite up to that first date just yet," says my friend again.


Breathe a sigh of relief - And by the time you're thinking about other men, however tentatively, you can breathe a huge sigh of relief. You're over the worst, and you've broken up without breaking down. You've even made yourself a better catch in the process. It's been a long road, but you've come a long way baby!

Till then, trust me , try those and you'll move on with your new life with big smile

Things to think about before entering into relationship

When you click with someone and think to yourself that maybe this person could be different from the others you have met on dates, you most likely want to take things further and let it develop into a relationship. Whether you have been single for a short time or for as long as you can remember, there are some things you should ask yourself before getting into a relationship to make sure that it works out. Here are some pre-relationship questions for you to think about.

Ask yourself whether you are really ready for a relationship. If you have just come out of a difficult relationship, you're likely to have a lot of emotional baggage which you need to deal with beforehand. Similarly you don't want to get into a relationship for the sake of it because you're bored of being single or because you want to make someone jealous.

Ask yourself whether you really know the person. Yes, you may have learnt a lot about them from going on dates together, but you need to go a little deeper; find out who they really are. Find out whether they are compatible, or whether friends know them. The last thing you want is to get into a relationship and find out the person is a nutcase, like emotionally unavailable.

Ask yourself whether you are being practical. It's not going to last if you don't have the same goals or they have traits which you don't like. They may be good looking, but don't let lust cloud your judgement and brush the negative things aside. If you want different things in life or have different goals then it's unlikely to work.


Ask yourself whether you have the same values and morals. A relationship has a better chance of surviving if the couple have the same core beliefs and values, as people's actions and decisions are based on these. Despite the saying ‘Love’, this isn't necessarily the case, and you are likely to find yourselves at loggerheads and clashing.

Ask yourself whether this is a positive thing as a relationship should make you happy, plaster a grin across your face, a glow in your cheeks and a spring in your step. It should be something that adds value to your life and be a positive thing. Don't let someone bring in negativity to your life or be negative about you.

Ask yourself whether you trust this person. While trust is something that a person earns and grows over time, it is the basic of every relationship. Do you trust this person you want to get into a relationship with? Do you feel safe with them? Do you trust that they will treat you right? Having this basic trust will allow the relationship to flourish

Till then, trust me it's work that way. Don't just jump into it...... why have to rush!

Dozen way to know - He's the ONE... (Part ll)

Are you going out with the right guy? Read this through the end and take a few minutes to re-evaluate your relationship.

OK, he's good looking. He turns you on. He's great to cuddle and wake up to on cold fully air-con mornings and he's got smiley eyes and a wicked sense of humour.

But is he The One? Here are 12 ways to tell that he just might be.

He's a looker - Shallow? You betcha! Let's face it; a keeper is someone you're going to want to look at first thing in the morning and last thing at night...for a very long time. So it's important that, whether it's because of his chiselled jaw line or just his kindly eyes, you find him attractive. Everyone is different, of course, but does your man have large eyes, a high forehead and soft features? Studies have shown that many gay men like masculine features (low foreheads, wide jaws and strong features) for one-night stands, and more strong faces for the long haul. Of course, the only really important question is this: do you fancy the pants off him or not?

He looks like you - Some couples look quite similar, and that might not be a coincidence. A study by psychologists at the University of St Andrews found that the faces we find most attractive are quite like our own. Other studies have shown that most couples often have a correlation in other physical qualities, like neck and wrist circumference and middle finger length. So if you're alike in so many ways, he could be your perfect man.

You accept his flaws - Nobody's perfect. But if you silently rage at his fingernail biting or football obsession and think, 'I must change that', he may not be for you. If you accept his flaws as just another part of the man you love then start planning for your future together.


He makes you laugh - We all like someone we can laugh with. And relationship experts confirm that the most successful relationships are those peppered with gentle banter, mickey-taking and joke telling. If he makes you cry laughing, you won't be tempted by the hard-bodied but humourless lothario who serves your coffee. Not now. Not ever.


He's employed - Or if he's not employed, he's bright and ambitious. Sorry to come over all practical here, but we can't escape evolution. Gay men are drawn to men who can be independent. You may not want his money, or at all. But part of you is still attracted to a man who either has resources, or who looks like he will get them in the future. In the distant past, when desires evolved, it was the man who would literally bring home the bacon and make sure both of you survived.

Your friends like him - Sometimes love - or even lust - can blind us to the truth. But your friends know what you like, value your happiness and can take a view of your boyfriend not influenced by a crashing avalanche of sexy hormones. And if, in their opinion, he's a good bloke and right for you, it's worth listening to.

You like his friends - By our mid 40s, we tend to have chosen our friends pretty wisely. They're a bit like us, and they tend to like a lot of the same things. If you like his friends, it means the way he is with you isn't an act. He really is a kind, funny, decent feller - and he has the kind, funny, decent friends to prove it.

You argue well - Show us a couple that doesn't argue and we'll show you, well, a very unusual couple. Arguing doesn't make you incompatible - but arguing badly might. If your arguments are bitter, personal and endless, you probably already know, deep down, that he might not be The One. But if your arguments are more like two people debating an issue on which they disagree, avoiding insults and personal language, you may be good for the long run. A life together invariably involves compromise. If you're both prepared to seek it when things get feisty, you're in with a very good shout.


You trust him - If he tells you he's planning a big night out with the boys and a swarm of butterflies immediately takes off in your stomach, you're in no position to say if he's a keeper or not. Trust is an essential ingredient for long-term love. Wait for it to evolve (if it does) before you start making plans.

He's from the right family - We don't mean he has to be the heir to a fortune (though that might help). But you want to be with someone who is also in it for the long term. How can you tell if he's going to stick around? Well, if he clearly adores you, that's as good a clue as any. And there is some suggestion that the likelihood of break-up is written in our genes. In twin studies, it was found that men who went through lots of break-up had a brother who was likely to have done the same. That suggests a tendency to stray might be inheritable - so if his parents are together and his siblings are in strong relationships, it's a good chance your bloke doesn't have the break-up gene.


He likes the real you - You've got no fancy clothes on and you're slobbed out on the sofa in an old pair of jogging pants and a T-shirt that probably used to be white. And he still says he fancies you like mad. Now that's a good sign.

Your gut tells you - Do you have a gut feeling that your man might The One? It might be all you need. When researchers at University College London used functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI) to take pictures of lovers' brains, they found the area responsible for gut feelings was particularly active. Gut feelings, or a lover's instinct, are not guesswork. If you have a gut feeling about him, it might simply be the unconscious expression of all your experiences with other men allied to your emotional intelligence. You might not know why this time is different, but you know that it is all the same. If other signals confirm the feeling, it might just be worth letting your man's intuition take control

Till then, what is your GUT feeling tell you sweetie... share with me here

Dozen way to know - He's the ONE...

Will single over 40s be single forever?

Works too hard. Won't compromise. Commitment-phobic. Cancels plans. Forgets plans. Doesn't call back. Sigh.

While it seems we're often preoccupied in his column with naming and debating the myriad douchebag behavioural traits of men – lying, cheating, sexting other boy or, worse, not texting you – lately I've come across a possible reason behind all this anti-male malice: it's not him, it's his age.

‘He's too young!’ cried a singleton recently to me after meeting the man of his dreams, only to discover (post hook-up) that he was 10 years younger. When he told him he was only five years his senior, he responded with, 'Yeouch, you're really old!'

Little did he know …

Nevertheless, he proceeded to court him for the next few weeks. That's because (generally speaking here) younger men love the chase. Everything is fresh, new and exciting. Man are unknown to them. No one has broken their hearts just yet. Hence, they're romantic, thoughtful, endearing, excited, filled with energy and brimming with ideas on how to please him.

‘So what if it can't go anywhere? said the other friends of mine, fielding yet another text message from him begging for a date. ‘It's refreshing. Much better than all these old guys who are so set in their ways that there's hardly room for you in their lives, let alone a full-time boyfriend.’

It's a universally acknowledged truth that age does matter. And, while socially acceptable age gaps have widened in recent times (thanks in part to the likes of Demi Moore, Madonna and Samantha Jones), I've begun to notice a strange pattern emerging: when it comes to the dating game, older men are increasingly the problem.

For years boy have thought that if they met and impressed an older, wiser, established, secure bloke, he'd be mature enough to know what he wanted when he saw it, get down on one knee, pop the question and be done with all the dating hoo-ha.

No such luck.

‘But I thought because he's older and has his shit together, he would be perfect!’ complained one boy who recently found himself single after dating a man aged 47. (he's 30.)

Take a look at Simon Cowell, who at 51, has allegedly just kicked out his fiancée and sent her to live in his other property, nicknamed the 'girlfriend graveyard' – a place where all his exes wind up just before they're given the flick … for good.

Then there's perpetual bachelor George Clooney, who swaps his girlfriends more often than most men change their underwear, never stopping to think that, by 50, he might want to stick with just one. Oh no.

After dumping Italian actress Elisabetta Canalis, Clooney has now moved on to former wrestler Stacy Kiebler. (If I were her, I wouldn't be fobbing off other dates any time soon.)

In my quest to discover the reason behind the delayed, I've discovered that the older a man gets, the less likely he is to commit … ever.

And by the time he reaches 40? It's near to impossible. So at 50, I'm not quite sure what the boy who date these men are thinking. That they'll change them? Be the ones these men will finally commit to?

Seriously?

Maybe it’s that by 40-50 years old we have our act together, know what matters to us, and realise that sex is no longer the all important, all enveloping need it once was.

Maybe we find the idea of being 70 years old at a potential offsprings 21st birthday party cringe worthy.

Maybe by middle age we realise we stand to lose so much and have and so little to gain by hitching our wagon to a potentially hostile take over of our lifes work and assets should all turn pear shaped.

Maybe we are tired of being constantly reviled by the fabulous boys (or money boys) in Kuala Lumpur as doucebags, liars, in the closet, cheats and misogynists on one hand, then expected to take on your baggage with the other.

See, old-men know that we are born alone, and a batchelor in middle age realises that it’s not a bad place to be.

Selfish and indulgent? For sure.

But ah... the blessed peace, the freedom from boy-nazis, the joy of choosing to have companionship or not.

Till then....

Friends with an ex? What's the point?

They say one should live one's life with no regrets. Yet, while most of us try to do so, a study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science found that one regret stands out more than others.

When 370 adult Americans were asked to report on one salient regret in life, the most common one was related to - you guessed it - a past relationship. (This came above regretting facets of one's career, finances)

Intrigued as to how many people really regret their past relationships, I spent the weekend investigating and discovered that, even though failed relationships abound, many people still remain firm friends with their exes.

Perhaps these days it's unavoidable, especially considering the current generation, dating more, committing less and Facebook connects us with our exes from two to 20 years ago. Perhaps it's sufficient to say that exes are more prevalent in our lives than ever before - whether we like it or not.

But is it really healthy for one to remain friends with an ex after ending a relationship?

When it's over, should it be over emotionally as well as physically?

Pop singer Adele, who penned an entire album about taking revenge on her ex, has recently gone against everything she preaches in her lyrics and has let her ex back into her life.

'We're becoming friends again,' she told Spinner magazine, much to the horror of the millions of women whom she empowered through their own break-ups. 'I know what I'm doing,' she added.

'Enough time has gone by now.'

Say what!? Didn't her album, 21, which sold more than 10 million copies, act as a go-girl mantra, telling all women that they should strive to get over the dude who broke their hearts and never to speak to him again?

And now she's reneging on her message and doing what she's told women never to do – be mates with their exes?

It doesn't make sense. But it's not that rare either. Just the other day, Charlie Sheen was spotted out for dinner with his ex Denise Richards.

Elle Macpherson was photographed with her ex Tim Jeffries.

And Elizabeth Hurley, who is making headlines for her hasty engagement to Shane Warne, (apparently he makes her 'happy'), has remained friends with quite a few of her exes.

In an interview with the Daily Mail newspaper recently, Hurley said that Arun Nayer (her latest ex) is still her best friend. She also claims that she, Nayer and her other ex, Hugh Grant, all go on holiday together.

And the most startling revelation of them all: Warney and Grant now play golf together. Hmm.

In an unofficial survey carried out by moi, it seems the jury is out on whether one should hang out with an ex or not. Some reckon it can't be done without resulting in a cat fight. Others say they swear by it. ('My exes keep me sane!' said one.)

Another said she doesn't speak to her ex at all because it only sets her back and brings about too much pain.

Needless to say, everyone seems to have an opinion on how one should handle a past love.

Ah, the ex. The very word goes straight to the jugular, reeking of awkward moments, mixed memories, bitterness, resentment, anger, guilt and longing. So why does an ex continue to have such an impact over their previous partner's life?

Is it because we haven't - as Adele says so eloquently - met someone better than them yet? Or do they simply remind us of a time in our lives when we felt happy, part of a twosome, wanted, adored, never lonely and never bored?

These days, considering we're dating for longer and are racking up a lengthy list of exes, it almost seems that not being friends with an ex would cut out half of our social circle. Not to mention the fact that, if we work together, go to the same gym, share the same psychologist or landlord or favourite coffee shop, not remaining friends with this person is not something we even get to choose.

For me, being friends with an ex is fine, but it needs to have a use-by-date. Be friends until one or both of you gets serious with someone else. To me, it would be a little awkward seeing my new date giggling over mojitos with someone he's previously been sexually intimate with ... And so I hope to give him the same respect by not being too matey with any of my exes either.

But what do I know?

I’ll says that to be friends with an ex is a pointless endeavour and once a relationship is over, it should be over for good.

There's lots of people out there who think being friends with your ex is possible. I'm, however, not one of these types. Instead, I think trying to be friends with your ex is a very difficult task at the best of times and it's generally better to stay well clear of this sort of relationship. For starters, break-ups can be messy, and often there are unresolved feelings and hurts that make an ongoing close friendship impossible. It also makes it really hard for either of you to move forward, and be available to meet a new love interest.

You can't share personal things with them like you used to, nor can you spend the same sort of time socialising with their family and friends. Not to mention the problems that can occur with mixed messages, the possibility of ex-sex and of holding on to hope of rekindling the fire.

My advice - find someone else to be friends with and let both of you move on.

Talking about regrets, there's a saying:

Mistakes are sometimes the best memories. And when it comes to exes, past relationships, heartache, lost loves - whatever - sometimes even though you made mistakes, if you can turn around and say you had a heck of a lot of fun at the time, then it might, just maybe, have all been worth it ...

Till then, sweetie. Am not again you meeting up with your ex on the weekend, perhaps, inviting me to be the third person while you holidaying with your ex is not in my agenda.... I bet you two had a great time ‘catching up’ the lost...

What makes love last?

It all sounds so easy: Boy meets boy at the party, they fall in love, and live happily ever after. But anyone who’s been on the dating scene for more than a millisecond knows that it’s not that easy—not by a long shot.

Finding and maintaining a successful relationship often takes a little luck, more than a little patience, and a lot of work. What else does it take for a romantic partnership to go the long haul?

For the specifics, I sat down with two successful gay couples to explore what exactly keeps their bond strong.

Feel free to take notes!

Rob, 47, a publishing executive from local magazine, and Kevin, 46, a marketing and promotions Manager from well known company in Kuala Lumpur together for 10 years

Timothy, 51, a financial analyst from One of the biggest foreign bank in town, and Adam, 49, an accountant from audit firm in Kuala Lumpur together for 8 years

Q: What surprised you the most about being in a long-term relationship?

Adam: I once thought being in a long-term relationship meant a lot of sacrifice on my part with little return from my partner. With Timothy, it is a give-and-take situation. He is very giving and kind and doesn’t make a big deal out of doing things for me. We just do things for each other naturally, because we want to.

Rob: Challenges can strengthen a relationship as long as you stick together. Our fortunes have been everything from fantastic to downright terrible, but facing the tough times together has made us much closer.

Q: When did you know that your significant other was a “keeper”?

Adam: Timothy took me to dinner for my birthday right before we started dating. We were very close friends at that point. My previous boyfriends had virtually ignored that day when I was with them. Timothy went so far as to surprise me by taking me to my favorite restaurant and making it a fun night. It was very special for me.

Q: What’s your secret to keeping a long-term romance fresh?

Timothy: It’s difficult because we fall quickly into a groove in terms of restaurants we eat at, entertainment on a Saturday night, and day-to-day life. The main way we keep things fresh is by traveling. This pulls us out of our mundane routine the most.

Adam: It’s also important to have sex regularly to keep the intimacy alive.

Ouch...........!

You hear that buddy???????

Till then