One versus Many

One of the great contradictions of the dating world would seem to be that so many of us are searching for "The One" but, to keep us motivated in that quest, society continually tells us "there are plenty of fish in the sea".

If there truly is a "One" out there for each of us, then there are actually not plenty of fish in the sea, there's only one, and all the rest are wobbegongs, squid, whales, sharks, plankton or cunji.

Personally, I think we're compatible with any number of people but we screen, then disqualify, most of them based on things like looks, intelligence, earning capacity, dick size, religious beliefs, odour, stupid laughs, you name it ...

George Bernard Shaw once said that "love is overestimating the differences between one gay man and another". While I'm not as clinical as he was - I do believe in true love - I reckon any single man out in the dating trenches would do well to keep Shaw's words in mind.

Gay men make the mistake all the time of falling for men who are not interested in them. They then rose-tint the boy to such an extent they render them "perfect" and fail to see the other options around them.

No one is as funny, cute, sweet, or understands them like this one particular boy.

Sometimes termed "one-itis", it's a romantic myopia that can last for years and is often encouraged by the object of their affection; a man who keeps the sufferer feeling as if he has a chance but really has no intention of going there.

Other guys suffer from a less severe form of "one-itis" when they go out clubbing or to a bar. They talk to one boy and become convinced he's the one for them on that particular night.

They'll spend far too much time on a man who is not interested in them and, when they get shot down, mourn and mope and ignore the other 100 males in the venue and go home alone moaning "he was the one".

Gay guys who get into this mindset also put enormous pressure on themselves when they approach and interact with men because they're thinking "I have to make this work", "He's perfect for me", "He's so different from the other 3.5 million gay-men in the world."

Fair dinkum. If he was perfect for you, he'd be with you.

That's perfection: when two people love and respect each other and make life better, deeper, more fun and meaningful. And shag constantly.

If you are suffering from one-itis at the moment, I'll suggest the oldest cure known to man, which is go and have sexual relations with a dozen other men and, by the time you're at number five or six, tell us if you still feel the same about "the one".

For those of you who feel this cure is tawdry, exploitative or immature, try this instead:

1 - Don't see him, don't hang out with him, avoid places he goes, avoid his friends, his family, anyone who's going to bring him up in conversation.

2 - Stop texting him, stop talking to him. Delete his number from your mobile and, when he calls, don't answer or call back. Ignore all texts.

3 - Get rid of all pictures of him and emails he sent you. Brush his on Facebook, msn or Twitter; don't Google him. If he gave you stuff that reminds you of him, give it away or stick in your parent's attic. Bonfires are excellent for purging.

4 - Have some fun. Take a trip. Kick up your heels, you pretty thing.

5 - Now root 12 other boys.

More than anything, give up on the idea of winning him over, of you being together some time in 2012. Life is now and thinking it's going to be better with him in some idealised future is like saving every cent you earn for a house you will never live in, let alone buy.

Till then, hope you get what I means here.....