Suck and Blows - the sex-pectations that screw you over

He says, he says ... how many arguments could be avoided if we all just said what we were thinking?

Don’t you hate it when you feel cheated? Most people do.

In fact, so united are we in our hatred of cheating and cheaters that the subject forms one of the world's most popular topics of debate.

When is cheating, cheating? How do you deal with a cheater? What should you do if you’ve cheated? And how can you avoid getting caught …

So universal are these questions that I’d suggest cheating is our greatest ‘sex-pectation.’

That is to say, we all can feel cheated. And we all can agree that cheating is wrong.

But how many of us have actually sat down and thought about what cheating actually means to us? Or any other sexpectation for that matter?

How many of us have asked our partners and peer group how they ‘know’ they’ve been cheated on?

What it is about cheating that hurts them? What ‘rules’ have to be ‘cheated’ before the label ‘cheater’ can be applied?

I have a theory.

Most of us assume everyone else sees things from our perspective.

That’s fine. That’s natural.

That’s how we ‘survive’.

Of course, as dear mother would say, making assumptions only makes an ASS out of U and ME.

Therefore, if one person assumes another agrees with their view on cheating without actually uncovering what their actual view is, everyone winds up looking like an ass.

Rarely do we stop and ask ourselves or our partners what we/they really think and feel. About threesomes for instance. Or blow jobs. Or the linear progression of relationships (that one date = call back = more dates etc).

Instead, we frump and fume and moan and groan about people who fall short of our standards – who fail to make our grade.

Who Epically Fail more often than we care to count.

For instance, I have a friend who would get so frustrated with the way his partner ‘pleasured’ him.

“He’s not doing it right!” he’d wail. “I can’t stand it – I love him, but I can’t stand the way he … the way that he pokes me.”

“How can he not get it right? How come he can’t do it properly?”

Upon further discussion, we discovered that he’d not actually verbalised any of this to the person who needed to hear it the most: his boyfriend.

A fact which went halfway to explaining why he was struggling to give him satisfaction. To meet his sexpectation.

He then confessed he’d been sitting on his bitter feelings of disappointment, letting them fester and rot until and build into a bloody wound of resentment that finally exploded with :

“DON’T TOUCH ME ANYMORE!

“I CAN’T STAND IT WHEN YOU TOUCH ME.”

Such a brutal shame … and it all came about because he’d not communicated his sexpecation with his sex partner and wound up screwing himself.

That we should seek to avoid such maladies of miscommunication seems commonsensical.

But the fact is, such honesty is far from common.

But ought not we confront our fears once in a while?

Particularly when it comes to pleasure? To sex? To love and dating and the relationships we have with people?

I mean, isn’t happiness and satisfaction in those departments what good living is all about?

What are your great sexpectations? Have you been screwed over by them? Sucks and blows, true, but it happens to all of us. So do let's be honest!

Personally my comments so far will be : Goodness! How did we get from cheating, to lack of satisfaction, to poor communication? Got some things you want to get off your chest, my love?

OK, so really it all boils down to the old chestnut that I have mentioned more than once on these pages - the C word. Yep, Communication.

Not happy with his technique/performance? Tell him! Habing "issues" with the relationship? Talk about it! Got expectations, realistic or otherwise? Discuss them!

Pretty simple really.A few years back I learned a very good lesson in the relationship stakes.

That, no matter how uncomfortable the subject may be, or how negative you think the connotations could be, it is always, ALWAYS best to clear the air and TALK ABOUT IT. I was very surprised at how easy it was and how even to agree to disagree ADDED to the intimacy.

Till then, I'll be in Bangkok from tomorrow till next tuesday, let me see what I could find upthere.....