Alone but not lonely

I can’t concentrate on work for the rest of my day, such is my nervousness about seeing Adam this evening for what he’s expecting to be a celebratory dinner. Thinking back over my relationship history. I’ve never actually dumped anyone, accept that mutual understanding to finished our romance, so, don’t have the faintest idea how to get, well, disengaged.

Whenever I’d wanted to finish with the boys in the past, there was always something stopping me – something more than just cowardice, that is. Bad timing – perhaps their birthday was coming up, or we’d booked a holiday, or Valentine’s Day was round the corner. It always seemed to me that just at the moment I decided I had to end it, there’d be something that would make me appear even more heartless if I did it just then. So, inevitably, I hang around, until it was them who finished with me.

Something that always made it all the more difficult was the fact that you’re not just splitting up with the person, are you? It’s all their friends, who have come to know you as a couple. And their parents, who you might like, and, assuming they can get over the fact that you’re been fucking with their son, maybe quite like you too. Then there’s my friends – I’ve lost count of the times that my dear friends has cried more than I have over me splitting up with a particular boy. And as they’ve told me on countless occasions, they love Adam. I just wish that I did.

And the thing that makes the prospect of this evening worse is while I know that Adam sees this relationship as much as a business decision as anything emotional. I’ve seen how angry he gets when he loses out on a deal at work. And that’s not something I want to be on the receiving end of. Or put him through, to be honest.

I spend most of the afternoon pacing around my studio, wondering what the best approach is. I could send him an email, I suppose. I mean, that’s how people communicate formally now-days, isn’t it? Or a text. Maybe even a fax. But the trouble is, whatever medium I use, I am just not that good at giving bad news to people, because I always feel like I am letting them down. And while the last thing I want to do is let anyone down. I know now that if I do go through with this relationship, the person I’ll be letting down most is myself. And Adam too, of course, because after all, he has agreed to spend the rest of his life with me – after I asked him to. And now, just after few months later, I am withdrawing the offer.

Plus, he’s going to want a reason. A bona fide excuse. Something that he can hold on to, or rationalize, as to why I don’t want to continue our relationship. I could try the ‘love’ angle, I suppose, but he’d probably think I was silly for wanting it in the first place.

Trouble is, he’s good at arguing too, so I am likely to lose if we get into any sort of debate, and unless I am firm from the outset, there’s a danger I’ll end up staying with him simply because he’ll refuse to accept my reasons for wanting out. So I am just going to have to be strong- for my own good, not just him. Cruel to be kind, I suppose. And if he‘s upset, I’ll just have to deal with it. Because that’s the nature of dumping’ – you leave someone down in the dump.

In a way, of course, Adam’s response will tell me if I’ve made the right decision. If he’s all emotional about it, then obviously he does really care about me, and while that’ll be tough to take, at least it means I am worth caring about. I’ve had a boy in the past, dumping me simply because he wanted to see my reaction, if I was all cut up about it, and pleaded with them to take me back, they they’d at least have the satisfaction of knowing I was interested in them.

But, as was more often the case, if I was more relieved than upset, well, again they’d know they’d made the right decision too. So all I have to do is tell Adam straight out that I don’t want to get into this relationship with him, and watch his reaction, and if it’s what I suspect it’ll be, then that’ll be fine. If it isn’t, however, I am in trouble.

As I walk down from my studio and into TGIF’s, I try and look on the bright side. At least I’ve come to this conclusion now, and not a few years down the line, when I am unhappy, and he’s unhappy, And, in effect, that means what I am intending to do is a god thing, because I am sparing both of us even more hurt is the future. But somehow, now matter how many times I tell myself this, it doesn’t make me feel any better.

I am a little early, which gives me just enough time to gulp down a glass of wine before Adam arrives – as usual – at seven thirty precisely.

‘George,’ he says, sitting down at the table without even kissing me hello,

‘How do you manage it?’

‘Manage what?’

‘To always be exactly on time, for everything.’

Adam glances at the clock on the wall, and then his watch. ‘I didn’t know I was.’

I wait to see if he’s joking, before remembering that Adam rarely jokes. About anything,

‘Listen, Adam, I..’

‘I thought you were supposed to be going to get a haircut?’

‘I did. Go. That is’

Adam peers closely at me. ‘George, when I asked you to get a haircut, I didn’t mean a haircut,’ he says reproachfully.

‘No, I mean, I went to the salon, and everything, but..’ I stop talking, conscious that I shouldn’t have to explaining to Adam –or anyone –about my hairstyle.

‘George, we can hardly have you looking like that for the party. Or the birthday, come to think of it.’

‘Who’s we?’ I say, my nervousness turning to irritation at the assumption that Adam’s making.

Adam frowns across the table at me. ‘Pardon?’

‘Who can’t have me looking like this for the birthday party? Who have you discussed the suitability of my hair with? Johnny? My friends? The others guest’s Or are you deciding on my behalf?’

‘No, I just thoughts..’

‘You thought, and what else did you think? Do I need to lose a bit of weight? Or get a bit taller, perhaps?’

‘Don’t be ridiculous, George. I just don’t want you to let yourself down, that’s all.’

‘Let you down, you mean.’

Adam rolls his eyes. ‘Well, someone’s got to tell you.’

‘Tell me what.’


Adam sighs, and leans in towards me, as if he’s explaining something to a child. ‘That you need to make a few.. changes.’

Here we go. I sit back in my chair and stare at him for a second, conscious that this is my big chance. ‘And that’s exactly why this relationship is going to be in trouble before it’s even happened.’

‘What?’ Adam suddenly sit bolt upright. ‘Why?’

‘Because, relationships should be about finding someone who’ll let you be yourself. Not someone who wants to change you. I mean, I am not asking you to make any changes , am I?’

Adam look at me blankly, as if to ask why he’d need to. ‘I am not trying to change you, George.’ He says huffily.’ I just want you to see that you need to change yourself.’

‘What’s the difference.’

Adam stare at me, then at the menu, as if he’ll find the answer in there, ‘well..’

‘We’re all individuals, Adam. And the secret of a happy relationship is letting someone be who they really are. Not trying to make them into your idea of who your perfect partner is. Because then there’s resentment. And pretence. And those things aren’t the basic for love.’

‘Love.’ Adam looks at me in disbelief. ‘This is a relationship we’re talking about, George.

What’s love got to do with it?’

I say, as if to the whole restaurant. ‘Tell me something, Adam, when you walked in here this evening, what was the first thought that went through your head when you saw me?’

Adam frowns. ‘The first thoughts?’

‘Yes.’

‘Apart from your hair?’ he shrugs. ‘Well, I was a little surprised you were early, I suppose, Oh, and that you hadn’t ironed your shirt very well.’

I sigh, then lean across and put my hand on top of his, ‘And that’s why this just isn’t going to work, I am afraid.’

‘Because you can’t iron a shirt?’

‘No, because that’s what you noticed about me. You should have happy to see me. Excited about our life together. Not.. Critical.’

Adam looks at me levelly for a moment or two, than slowly removes his hand from underneath mine. There’s an awkward moment. ‘You loss.’

‘I know. And I am sorry.’ And continue ‘Really I am. Just need to find someone who loves me for, well, me. And so do you.’

Adam shrugs. ‘That’s okey. Plenty more fish in the sea.’

‘You mean for me right?’

Adam stands up abruptly, then leans over and kisses me on the cheek. ‘I hope so, George.’

‘I hope so too.’ I say.



I watch him leave, feeling slightly guilty, but knowing it’s for the best – and not just for me. Adam needs someone a bit more, well, mouldable. Someone who doesn’t mind that he’ll run things. Boss them about, even. And there are people out there like that. I know- I’ve read about them on the internet.

And even though I am on my own again, I feel more than a little relieved, because I am starting to understand that there’s only one thing worse than being on your own, and that’s being in a relationship with the wrong person.

Because you’re even more lonely then.

Till then, I guess I am settled for being a loner as long am not lonely… So far has been a great 4 years and am still enjoying for being loner...