Thanks to James’s comment, I don’t think about much else for the rest of the day, and when I get to my happy hour that evening. Vincent asks how I am getting on.
And against my better judgement, I tell him.
‘Your whole approach is wrong, George,’ he says, when I have eventually finished.
‘You shouldn’t be getting into the relationships because you fel you should.’
‘I shouldn’t?’
‘Nah. Do it because you’re ready.’
‘But.. I feel that I should. Be ready, that is.’
‘That’s not the same thing.’
‘But.. I am not getting any younger,’ I say, trying to ignore how lame that actually sounds.
Vincent shakes his head wistfully. ‘Doesn’t matter. Age, I mean.’
‘How can you say that?’
‘Simple.’ Vincent motions for me to sit down. ‘Because what you have to realize is this. Gay man life are like drivers.’
‘Taxi drivers?’
‘What it comes to our live, at least. And I should know.’
‘Huh? I do guess the “pick them up” bit, but… Charging them for a ride? They give you a tip?
No – surely that’d be the other way round?’
Vincent laughs. ‘No, what I mean is that most gayman drive around all their lives picking up fares –or rather, boyfriends. Some they take for a short ride, some go on longer journeys, but inevitably, they drop them all off somewhere, without giving much thought to where it is they’re going themselves. Then at some point in time, they suddenly decide that they’re tired of driving around, so theysimply turn off the “for hire” sign and go home – but with their passenger still onboard. And whoever’s in the back of the cab at that particular time is the one they have a relationship.’
‘So what does that mean? For me, I mean.’
‘Simple. For gay men, it’s all a matter of timing.’ Vincent stands up and walks over to the window to check on his car. ‘Some gay men get bored of being driven around aimlessly, or being stuck in traffic, never reaching their destination, or they stop the cab and get our early. Others who try and force the issue are chucked unceremoniously out of the back of the cab. The clever ones are those who hang in there quietly on the back seat, waiting for youto turn off your meter.’
‘So what you’re saying is, we never know if he’s the one. It’s more a case of when.’
Vincent beams at me, a sit I am his star pupil. ‘Exactly.’
I stare back at him. ’But that mean if I split up with Bryan, but I am suddenly desperate to get into relationship, then maybe I was too hasty. And if that’s the case, then surely it’s him I should be with.’
‘Could be.’
‘But how can I be sure Bryan’s the right one?’
‘You can’t,’ says Vincent. ‘But the problem is, you’re never going to know until afterwards anyway, so you might just as well go ahead with it.’
‘Huh?’
‘It’s a leap of faith, isn’t it?’
‘is it?’
‘Yeah. Like when you do that team – building bollocks, and they make you close your eyes and fall over backwards, in the hope that the rest of your team will catch you.’
‘But that’s’ – I try to find a better word than “stupid”. But fail – ‘Stupid.’
Vincent shrugs. ‘It’s just the way it is.’
‘But surely, if you’re, you know, in love, than you’re not taking that mush of a risk?’
‘Aha!’
‘Aha what?’
‘Well, it’s just that love comes after when you were together, doesn’t it?’
‘Does it?’
Vincent perches on the corner of the windowsill and folds his arms. ‘Oh yes, If you’re lucky, that is. And remember, relationship alters people, particularly gay men.
So the boy you thought you knew and loved beforehand suddenly becomes a different person. They’re not your boyfriend anymore, they’re your partner. And that’s a change in status that makes people behave differently.’
‘But I lived with Bryan, for a few weeks, at least. So I’ve got a good idea of what he’d be like.’
‘But not as partner yet.’
‘Why does that make a difference?’
Vincent sighs. It’s just does. It’s all to do with the commitment, although it might as well be through your nose, given how much they think they can use it to control you.’
‘So I won’t really know him until we’re live together as a partner?’
‘Oh no,’ says Vincent, bitterly. ‘In actual fact, you never really know someone until they’ve left you. Because that’s the time you find out how nasty, vindictive, and money-grabbing they really are.’
I have to admit, I am a little confused. On the one hand, Vincent is telling that there’s no possible way that I can prepare myself for relationship until I actually go ahead and take the plunge, and it’s only after I’ve actually done it that I’ll know whether I’ve made the right decision or not. And on the other hand, he’s always painted such a bleak picture that it makes me wonder if it’s the kind of thing I really want to be doing at all.
‘Besides,’ continues Vincent. ‘You should just let it happened.’
I look at him skeptically, wonder whether he and James have been comparing notes. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘Your whole approach. It’s no wonder you haven’t had much luck.’
‘Huh?’
‘Speak to most people. Ask them how they met their partners. It’s not from grilling every single person they meet to find out if they could be the one.’
‘What makes you such as expert?’
Vincent looks at me as if I am an idiot. “Hello? Been in two long relationships, don’t forget.’
‘Sorry, Vincent. How does it happened, then?
‘Accidents. Coincidences. Most people say “I wasn’t looking, and there he was”. For example, I met my second partner when he was working on the checking point at the departure hall at the airport- and I had my first partner with me at the time, so I certainly wasn’t looking. But the minute he smiled up at me and asked if I wanted a “bag for life”. I just knew he was the one.’ He grins. ‘Although it turned out he was talking about himself, which is why we ended up break-up. But, seriously, it’s all about accidents. And how do accidents happen? When you’re not paying attention, or looking where you’re going. Trust me, I know.’
I make a mental note not to use Vincent’s taxi service again. ‘Yes, but accidents are mainly bad things, aren’t they?’
He shrugs. 'Depends on your point of view. But I am serious. Stop focusing on this like it’s the most important thing in the world, and I guarantee you’ll meet someone sooner rather than later.’
‘You’ll guarantee it? What on earth does that mean?’
‘You know, that you’re bound to..’
‘No, it doesn’t. A guarantee suggests that if it doesn’t work oyt, I’ll get it fixed. Or some replacement. What’re you going to do? Find me someone yourself if I take your advice and nothing happens?’
‘Well, no, but..’
‘Exactly,’ I say, getting up and pacing around the bar. ‘And this is what I resent. People who’ve already won life’s lottery by actually managing to meet someone who’ll have you – and twice, in your case – getting all smug. And then you peach from this person of experience that this is the way to do it, or that’s hot not to. It’s like saying, yes, all you need to do is pick these six numbers and you’re guaranteed to be a winner. Well, I am afraid life doesn’t work like that. And more important love doesn’t work like that either.’
Vincent looks at me until he’s sure I have finished, and even then has to check to make sure.
‘You done?’
‘Yes.’ I sit back down. ‘I think so, But I’ve been trying to let it happen naturally for most of my life, and it hasn’t. Which is why I’ve been doing this.’
Vincent smiles. ‘But there’s your problem. If you’re trying, then it’s never going to happened naturally, it it? I tell you, the minute you stop all this “find me a boyfriend” rubbish, the next boy you see is probably going to be your perfect partner.’
‘Really?’ I walkover and peer out of the window myself, to see Lesbian Mitchell appear round the corner, and raise my eyebrows at Vincent.
‘Okey, maybe not the next person,’ he says. ‘But you take my point.’
‘That I am hardly going to find Brad Pitt walking down Plaza Damas?’
Vincent laughs. And that’s another of your problem.’
‘What is?’
‘Brad Pitt. Would you really want to be with him?’
‘Too bloody right I would.’
Vincent looks at me in disgust. ‘Have you ever heard of “the boyfriend kind”?’
‘What you talking about?’
‘Well, there are those man who you’d like to, you know, get intimate with. And those who’ll make a good boyfriends. And sometimes, one isn’t the other.’
I lean heavily against the wall, and stare at the ceiling.
‘Vincent, please, don’t confuse the issue further.’
‘I am sorry, George. But you need to know. Your expectations are just a little .. unrealistic.’
It’s not the first time I’ve been told this. But why, I always want to ask. So I do. ‘Why?’
‘Simple.’ Says Vincent. ‘If you’re George Clooney, or Robert Pattinson, then you can get the Brad Pitt of this world. But you’re not. You’re George Jnr. A struggling writer from Hartamas. And I am afraid that nowdays that’s not quite enough to cut it where Brady’s concerned. Or most gay man, to be honest.’
‘So you’re saying I should look past the physical?’
Vincent nods, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. ‘Yes. Or stop being a struggling writer.’
‘But if that’s the case, then why can’t they?’ I say, ignoring Vincent’s second suggestion.
‘Why can’t they what?”
‘Look past all that.’
Vincent gives a wry smile. ‘Because they’ve got the power, George. They’re in charge. It’s them who’re selling, and we’re the overanxious buyers.’
‘Okay, okay. I get the picture.’
Vincent shrugs. ‘It’s one of life’s great unfairnesses, and the sooner you get used to it, the better.’
‘But.. that’s not fair.’ I say, winning the ‘staring the bleeding obvious’ prize.’
Vincent shrugs again.’ Welcome to the real world.’
‘So let me get this straight. I am never going to meet someone to settle down with ,because currently I am trying too hard.’
He nods.’ Yup’
‘Plus, my expectation are to unrealistic, and until I change them I am going to end up being disappointed?’
‘Pretty much.’
‘But the minute I am more realistic, and start targetingman who are more..’
‘Appropriate.’
‘..then I am going to have a lot more luck? Especially if I stop actively targeting them.’
‘Exactly,’ says Vincent.
I am a little confused. ‘But what about other gayman? Why don’t they have this problem? I mean, surely they all start out wanting Brad Pitt, and go through the same process we do?’
‘Ah,’ says Vincent. ‘But then the old biological clock start ticking, and someone who previously might not make the grade becomes prime boyfriend material. And because gayman are a lot more practical than straight man, they know that, and therefore are prepared to compromised a lot either.’
‘whereas we’re too frickle.’
Vincent nods. ‘You want a “love”, they just want “dollar sign” It’s as simple as that.’
‘Well, surely all I need to do is wait until Brad Pitt get that urge, and make sure I am hanging around at the appropriate time, and.. bingo.’
‘You might be waiting a long time. Beside, I am just worried that unless I really fancy them, then I am not going to be able to, you know, do it.’
‘There’s a reason why most couple keep the light turned off during sex. It’s so they don’t get turned off. My ex-boyfriend? When we first got together, we were at it like rabbits, and whenever we were in bed I had to think of tennis justto stop myself from, you know peaking too early. By the end of our relationship, all I had to dowas think of him, and it had the same effect.’
‘Not that, partnership, I mean. Because it’s an important part of it for me.’
‘Well, maybe it is tooearly for you. Maybe you’ve still got somewild oats to sow. Trust me, even after all I’ve been through, if Ihad my time again, I’ll still so exactly the same thing.’
That surprises me. ‘What? Why?’
He considers this for a moment. ‘I guess that’s just one of life’s great mysteries.’
And while it may be a mystery to Vincent, unfortunately, things are becoming clear for me.
Till then, hope you have a great week ahead at work or whatever you in… it’s a bless as always, especially when we managed to clear some cloud…
.JPG)
